Puttin' On The Ritz

go for the gold

noreply@blogger.com (usurper the) — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 05:23:00 +0000

AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT... THE EARTH TOOK A TURN FOR THE WORST. NO ONE KNEW OR CARED TO ASK WHY. IT WAS TOO LATE NOW. THERE WAS ONLY SURVIVAL. BECAUSE OF THE DIGITAL REVOLUTION, ALL PHYSICAL PHOTOGRAPHS WERE DESTROYED FROM THE PAST EXCEPT FOR THIS STRANGE RELIC. NO ONE KNOWS FOR SURE OF ITS ORIGIN. NO ONE KNOWS FOR SURE OF ITS MEANING. WE CAN ONLY SPECULATE, AS WELL AS WE CAN WITH OUR FUTURISTIC DISTRACTIONS OF BEYOND TANGIBILITY. THE AMZING THING IS, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

WHY

noreply@blogger.com (usurper the) — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 03:47:00 +0000

WHY DO I FEAR MYSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

oh... why do i fear myself in the middle of the night

what scary sound dost thy maketh within

a lasso reaps the golden nuts from alien ship residue syndrome

i milk man ... i milk man... me milk milk man

MILK

when love and wonder are forgiven entities of frogs

when little petey made a friend on the subway that night before THE FOOTBALL GAME

i want orange milk to ooze out of my eyeballs

all the while a goat named Donna waxes political about ho hum current events

ITS LIKE TEETH FROM THE MARS LANDER FROM THE MARS LANDER LAND

from the mars lander from the mars lander

the mars lander

THE MARS LANDERER PERFORMED HIS MISSION WITH REPUTABLE COMMAND

HE OR SHE INSPIRED A WHOLE POPULATION OF GENDERLESS (insert here)

time and again the land looks down on me, even as i stand above it

LIKE A BORED DOVE IN THE DAWN MIST OF CHANGE

i ate a mediocre taco for lunch

WHY

OH WHY

WHY DO I CONTEMPLATE SQUASH

Oceanic Times, etc.

noreply@blogger.com (BJ) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 19:18:00 +0000

Edgy, etc.

noreply@blogger.com (BJ) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 19:44:00 +0000

Whilst on my recent trip overseas, I stopped by The London Gallery to snap a few self portraits.

Self portrait with self portrait of Rembrandt, age 34.

Self portrait with self portrait of Jan Lievens, age 31.

Private Moments

noreply@blogger.com (BJ) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 18:06:00 +0000

Enjoy them while they last, etc.

WHAT

noreply@blogger.com (usurper the) — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 07:33:00 +0000

Is this weird?

New Beginnings, etc.

noreply@blogger.com (BJ) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 18:02:00 +0000

Hello there intrepid Puttin' on the Ritz fans. We have been silent for some time now but that does not mean we have not been busy. We recently recorded some new tracks with the following lineup:

BJ Rubin - vocals
Kevin Shea - drums
Moppa Elliott - upright bass
Peter Evans - trumpet
Jon Irabagon - saxophone
Weasel Walter - keyboard

They are our best yet and will be made available in due time. I hope you are as excited about them as we are.

Some of you may be interested to know that I am playing Puttin' on the Ritz solo shows now. It took me five years to figure out that I don't need Kevin to get on stage and be funny, and thus I will be making my debut as a standup comedian on June 14th at the acoustic BBQ out at Fort Tilden -- the most beautiful beach in New York City. Be there or be square, etc.

All The Good News, etc.

noreply@blogger.com (BJ) — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 15:14:00 +0000

So you may or may not know this, but Puttin' On The Ritz made a record. It is called Bangin' Your Way Into The Future and we are really proud of it. Our friends Moppa Elliott, Peter Evans, and Jon Irabagon were kind of enough to join us in the studio and play double bass, trumpet, and saxophone respectively.

The record is out now courtesy of Hot Cup Records. To celebrate this we are taking the show on the road again, this time with all five of us in tow. If you live in any of these cities (or know anyone who does), please come (or tell them to). The Puttin' On The Ritz Quintet is a joy to behold, I promise you.

6/27/08 -- Banana Factory; Allentown, PA w/ Mostly Other People Do The Killing
6/28/08 -- Scarey Studios; Baltimore, MD (Dance Party but no quintet)
6/29/08 -- Gojjo; Philadelphia, PA w/ Mostly Other People Do The Killing
6/30/08 -- Lilypad; Boston, MA w/ Quartet Of Happiness, Mostly Other People Do The Killing
7/1/08 -- Stairwell Gallery; Providence, RI w/ Mostly Other People Do The Killing
7/2/08 -- Velvet Lounge; Washington, DC w/ Little Howlin' Wolf, Mostly Other People Do The Killing, Thee Ultimate Vag
7/3/08 -- Dead Herring; Brooklyn, NY w/ Brasilia, Mostly Other People Do The Killing, Hard Bop (Record Release Party!)

Somewhat Recursive, etc.

noreply@blogger.com (B.J.) — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 20:23:00 +0000

We demanded a recount, and apparently we were found to be the winners. I am not sure how many other bands were in the running for best Punk Comedy Cabaret Act, but according to the Village Voice we are the best in the city. Kudos to us, of course.

If you are here as of a result of the Village Voice, hello! It is very nice to meet you! Please make yourself at home. Feel free to write us love letters, invite yourselves into our homes, buy us beers. A good place to discover us would be here. We will do our best to be the brother, sister, mother, father, aunt, uncle, best friend, worst enemy, etc. that you never had. That is, if you will have us.

As for the rest of you, now that we are famous I'm not sure we still have time for you.

Banging Yr Way Into The Future, etc.

noreply@blogger.com (B.J.) — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 03:20:00 +0000

Only we could possibly set up a five day tour and have two of the days be in New York. Well, perhaps someone else could have done it is well, but they wouldn't have been banging their way into the future whilst doing it. I have absolutely no idea how one actually bangs their way into the future, you would have to ask Kevin Shea (or Sticks, as he prefers being called this for some reason). Shortly before we went on at the Knitting Factory he approached me and suggested that we start wearing cologne at shows. I suppose this would help us get more "in character" or make us "sluttier". Seriously folks, we played in Cleveland, OH. We drove approximately 8 hours to play to 30 people and not get paid. Someone drove 5 hours from Michigan to see us perform this feat. What sort of life is this that we lead? We played in Washington, DC to 10 people and got paid more than any other night (thank you Allison Wolfe and Chris Grier for that one). Jherek Bischoff played double bass with us in Brooklyn, and I think I probably scared him when I grabbed it and started jumping around. We played to approximately 300 people at Knitting Factory, many of whom were later heard exclaiming "I don't know why, but I really liked them!" We prefer people to be confused about the pleasure they take in us, guilty or otherwise. The night then went on to become the stuff of legend as Kevin Shea, Marnie Stern, Shah Motia, Zach Lehrhoff, Ari Fishman, Krystal Selbee, Raquel Medina, Leigh (last name omitted because I don't know what it is) and myself went to some karaoke bar that I can't remember the name of and all managed to spend untold sums of cash on drinks and songs whilst yelling ourselves hoarse. This was a good thing as we only had to drive to Boston the next day and play another show. The sound guy started vibing me at 5 minutes to 9 about going on at 9pm sharp. Kevin could not be located at 9pm although at 9:02 he was discovered in the bathroom taking care of "business" or dropping a "deuce". We slept in my uncle's basement and left the next morning without seeing any residents other than one fat cat. I tried to take his photo but he seemed scared that the camera might "steal his soul". We drove home and vowed to never speak of any of this again, a vow which I promptly broke and continue to break to this very day. Don't fear the reaper, etc.

We would like to send a singing telegram to our girl Marnie Stern for having us play some shows with her and another one to our boy Ari Fishman for his invaluable assistance. Consider that last sentence your singing telegrams. Special thanks to Robby and Zach and Katelyn and Raquel and Nate and Allison and Chris and Hugh and Todd and Jherek. You know who you are.

Fermium Anniversary, etc.

noreply@blogger.com (B.J.) — Mon, 21 May 2007 16:50:00 +0000

In case you weren't paying attention (and I barely was), we somehow managed to play our 100th show the other evening. Quite a feat for a band that started over more than a few beers at a party some three years ago, I would say. I am sure that most of you would feel better were you to purchase one or both of us a drink to celebrate the occasion, however belated. Our response will most likely be a hearty "yes".

Meetings, etc.

noreply@blogger.com (B.J.) — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 22:12:00 +0000

I just wanted to share with you the fact that not only did I get to chat with Terry Gilliam for a bit this afternoon (as you can see from this fine photo), but I walked by a tall man with big white hair whom (I was later informed) was none other than Thomas Pynchon. If you want to know why I didn't recognize him then you're an idiot. Thank you for sharing in my excitement. I'm generally not one to get overly enthused about meeting celebrities, but I feel like this is an obvious exception.

coifs and carafes

noreply@blogger.com (usurper the) — Sat, 15 Jul 2006 00:42:00 +0000

these are my recent realizations -- at the current moment a number of shows have passed us by, lost unheard and alone. how many brush strokes have been lost to time's pretense?

Bon Anniversaire, etc.

noreply@blogger.com (B.J.) — Mon, 08 May 2006 15:59:00 +0000

POTR is two years old today. How we will cope with the terrible twos, I really cannot say. And many more, etc.

Condition Indigo, etc.

noreply@blogger.com (B.J.) — Thu, 23 Mar 2006 17:48:00 +0000

March 22, 2006 -- Galapagos, Brooklyn
I was a little disoriented when I walked into the room and was greeted by six or so women on stage dressed in bikinis and wearing brightly colored wigs. I say six or so because I did not bother to take an exact count, it was all a little too weird for me. They had costume changes to augment the fact that their backing band was a cd player emitting strange midi tunes. I believe the name of the act was Witches in Bikinis, although I could be wrong. I was wondering what sort of people would put on a show like this, are they musicians, are they actors, are artists? All of the above? None? Since I had little to no interest in doing the research necessary to discover such details, we will all have to remain in the dark for the time being. My favorite part of the evening had to be the static trapeze act, the whole reason we agreed to do the show in the first place. The act consisted of two women on a stationary trapeze doing all sorts of crazy acrobatics. It is really the sort of thing you have to see, I suppose. Suffice it to say, it was awesome. Then we went to set up. The thing about the stage in the front room at Galapagos is that it has a curtain, presumably because they do theater there. So the curtain opened (giving us our grand entrance) and we proceeded to clear out about half the room. I have to say, only half isn't too bad. And you can't completely blame us, it was after midnight on a wednesday. Much to our surprise, we had a cheering section up front. I say we were surprised because the only people in the room we knew were the promoters and Kevin's girlfriend (hi Laura). We started playing If You Wanna Be Happy but I got bored during Kevin's drum solo so I knocked him over and we played Fly Me To The Moon. Kevin somehow managed to stuff himself into his bass drum (we did need the sound dampened, I guess) and we finished the set with me playing Kevin's feet and him mumbling something or another. At the end of the night one of the people up front came up and started chatting with me, and as it happened it was one of the women on the trapeze earlier. I suppose our target audience always ends up being the people in the other bands. But we did strike a deal, in that we agreed to perform together, share a stage, back each other up, etc. So perhaps if you are lucky, sometime soon you too can see two women slithering over a trapeze suspended from something or another whilst Kevin and I beat each other senseless with drumsticks.

Do you ever get the feeling you're being taken for granted? Come see Puttin' On The Ritz again for the first time, or else, etc.

Forgive Our Sins, etc.

noreply@blogger.com (B.J.) — Mon, 20 Mar 2006 18:22:00 +0000

Dear POTR fans (To the accidental tourist: hello. You might not know us yet, but I guarantee an increase in productivity if not sheer joy should you choose to continue reading. Actually, that applies to the lost of you.),

It appears that both Kevin and myself have been very, very remiss in updating this site. I would not attribute this to a waning interest on our part, quite the opposite in fact. We are more excited about Puttin' On The Ritz than ever, if that is even possible. It probably isn't. Did you know that infinity isn't even a number? That is to say, you can never count to it. So I suppose it is possible, upon further review, for us to more excited than ever about Puttin' On The Ritz, as one can never be infinitely excited about anything, infinity not even being a number. That answered my question. Why then, you ask, are we not engaging you in conversation? Perhaps it is because we would like you to converse with us live in person, rather than via keyboards and monitors and the whatnot. We are flesh and blood, whatever Kevin might say to the contrary. He was, I believe, quite drunk when he said those things. Never mind what things. The point is this -- why read about the gospel when you can come witness it for yourself? I suppose if you must live vicariously through my words and shoddy memory, then so be it. I will admonish you no more, but I will admit that I was not witholding anything, I just couldn't find the words. It happens to the best of us, please forgive me.

March 3, 2006 -- Our Lady Of Consolation Church Rec Center, Brooklyn
We had been looking forward to this show for some time, as we were to be performing with Harry and the Potters. Something about playing to underage girls was intriguing, although I'm still not sure what. Actually, strike that. What is intriguing about them is that they love the shit out of Kevin Shea, apparently. I mean, what 16 year old girl wouldn't? He sure is dreamy. At least one girl thought so, who kept screaming about being a hot asian girl and pointing to herself. She had braces and was wearing a pink hoodie with cat ears. Kevin was, needless to say, quite flattered. The question is, would Kevin Shea do the unthinkable? Luckily for us, Kevin has a girlfriend, and thus we will never have to know the truth, horrible or otherwise. Everytime I heard him telling the story she got younger and younger as well, stemming from a penchant he has for telling taller and taller tales. I think by the time he was telling his girlfriend, she was 12. I would like to take a moment and state for the record that I am in no way trying to ridicule or otherwise demean this girl. The truth is, Kevin is smart, handsome, and talented. In short, quite a catch. Laura is a lucky woman, although I think it might be more fair to say that Kevin is a lucky man. I have met the man and although he is all those things he is also pretty high maintenance. Did you know, for instance, that on some days all he eats is yogurt? The man has a finicky digestive system, among other things. I certainly am no saint, but at least my small intestine can successfully break down most foods into the various particles that either go back up, or in the case of the less useful bits, all the way down. Despite our obvious differences, somehow we manage to get along well enough to play some of the best damn music this city has ever seen. We you there that night, you were privy to the proof being in fact, in the pudding. Or yogurt, or whatever. For instance, I asked god to damn the girl from Ipanema whilst on stage in a church. Blasphemy? I was made aware of my lack of tact, to which I admitted to being a Jew. What was I greeted with? Mostly silence. Awkward silence. Lucky for us, that's our favorite kind.

March 3, 2006 -- Our Lady Of Consolation Church Rec Center, Brooklyn
We were asked to open and close the night. Our second set, as is generally the case, involved quite a bit more alcohol in our bloodstream than the first. Perhaps everyone had tired, perhaps they'd yelled themselves hoarse at Kevin earlier, perhaps seeing Harry and the Potters had made their lives complete, perhaps whatever, most people did not stick around for this, our arguably better, set. I say arguably because I don't really remember, which is either really good or really bad. I do recall slowly dragging myself (on my back, no less) along the ground whilst screaming some gibberish about skibbety something or another. It was a request, after all. I will admit that we've started taking requests, but only if you request a song we know. We do not take requests for songs we are unfamiliar with, for reasons that I think would be obvious. It certainly doesn't stop people from making such requests.

As mentioned earlier, we would love to see your smiling faces live and in person. Should you be reading this the week beginning March 19, 2006, you are in luck should you have any interest in seeing us live and in person as well. We are performing with trapeze artists and other assorted weirdness at Galapagos on March 22. We are performing with Love of Diagrams, Cortina, Necking, and Grey Daturas at Glasshouse on March 23. We are playing with Direct From Hollywood Cemetary, Partyline, Cortina, Panther, and Shellshag at Cakeshop on March 25. I know you're supposed to love all your children the same, so I won't tell you which I would attend if I could only choose one. Why choose? Come to all three, etc.

In The Lane, etc.

noreply@blogger.com (B.J.) — Thu, 09 Feb 2006 21:48:00 +0000

January 14, 2006 -- 330 Melrose Street, Brooklyn
I received some sort of email from someone I had never met before, which does happen on occasion. Whilst we receive many emails from people in far off lands requesting to transfer huge sums of cash into our bank account (I will let you in on a little secret -- Puttin' On The Ritz does not have a bank account, and if we did I doubt it would get much use), we don't often get unsolicited invitations to play a show. Our answer has pretty much always been yes, that is our policy for some reason. The only shows we say no to are ones that we cannot physically play due to one of us being out of town or Kevin having too many gigs that night or whatever. Kevin had been feeling nauseous and hadn't eaten in approximately 24 hours but he agreed to soldier on and play the show despite advice to the contrary. I arrived at 10:15pm as we were to perform at 11. There weren't many people there and I knew none of them. So I stood around, chatted a bit, and waited for Kevin Shea to appear. Eventually this did occur, and later than sooner we performed. I seem to recall getting a bit beat up, although I mostly blame it on Kevin. Perhaps I shouldn't have been rolling around on the ground, but perhaps Kevin shouldn't have knocked his cymbal over. That being said, the burst blood vessels in my face made it look like I had lipstick on it. Nothing quite so sinister, merely a cymbal to the face. This was shortly after I smacked my lip with the microphone, no doubt whilst in the middle of some sort of gymnastics, verbal or otherwise. When I casually mentioned that we had two more songs, some dude yelled "Three more!" We were willing to oblige. The host politely mentioned that we should not perform all night. Thus, we bid our fans adieu. I emerged into the cold night air a bit worse for the wear, but (and it overjoys me to say this) with my glasses still fully intact.

For the Longest Time, etc.

noreply@blogger.com (B.J.) — Wed, 11 Jan 2006 22:54:00 +0000

There are several reasons why I have not written anything here in quite some time. For those of you that know me, you probably can do some simple arithmetic. For those of you who do not, get the notes from one of your friends after class or however it is we trade information in this, the modern, era. Send a text using your mobile phone, learn semaphore, etc. Happy New Year, Feliz Navidad, don't take any wooden nickels, you know what I mean. If the entries seem a bit vague at times please forgive me, my memory is not quite what it used to be, probably as a result of being in this band. Or perhaps it might be better said, my memory is not quite what it used to be as a result of the large quantities of alcohol being in this band requires me to drink.

August 13, 2005 -- East Village Radio, Manhattan
It was hot. Damn hot. East Village Radio is basically a box on 1st Ave, although it is at least an air conditioned one. If our band had any more members it probably would have collapsed under our collective weight, something about gravity and imploding or something like that, although I doubt there would have been quite enough matter to cause a Quasar or anything like that. Regardless, Ted insisted on walking out onto the street and interviewing passersby, much to their confusion. I think we drank Miller Light or some other similarly noxious beverage. Somebody called in and referred to us as "Puttin' On The Shitz", which may or may not have been appropriate. I have a copy of the podcast that I may or may not share with the general public, depending on my mood at the time.

August 13, 2005 -- 904 Bedford Avenue 6A, Brooklyn
Oh yeah, it was my birthday too. So I had a party at my apartment. Mindy came and was really nervous, for some reason. Despite her jitters, More Teeth performed to thunderous applause. Well, perhaps the thunder was just the blood in my head, I was probably already drunk at the time. Kevin showed up at some point, and I think we played shortly after Zeke Healy finished. Then I continued getting drunk and shortly after 3am made a long distance call to the South Pacific. I failed to provide us a performance fee for appearing at my birthday party.

August 16, 2005 -- Delancey Lounge, Manhattan
Casey Block invited us to play a show he was booking, or curating, or whatever. We played upstairs with the quiet acts (Zeke Healy, some other guy, etc.), probably because we play acoustic instruments, albeit quite loudly. Vaz and Child Abuse played downstairs but we couldn't hear them through the floor. The bar manager approached Casey after the show, and rather than reprimand him (which is what he thought was going to happen), she asked him if he thought we'd like to play a show for her at Galapagos in a few days. He said that we probably would. Keep reading, and you will discover that...

August 20, 2005 -- Galapagos, Brooklyn
...we did. It was a little weird, we played after some dance or theatre thing, it is all a haze of weird art that I don't really care to know anything about. I was a little nervous about playing at 5pm to that sort of crowd so I quickly drank about 8 ounces of bourbon. That didn't seem to be enough, so I started demanding that the quietly attentive audience purchase me a beer. Oddly enough, someone did. It turned out to be one of the organizers, but she refused to let me pay her back. I didn't really understand why we didn't get a guest list or any drink tickets, but since we weren't getting paid I guess it all made sense. I'm sure someone is to blame, and it might very well be us. It sounds bleak, but it was actually a pretty moving performance. When I say moving, I mean that the stage was quite large and Kevin spent at least half the set dragging his drums around it, chasing me, mocking me, whispering sweet nothings in my ear.

October 4, 2005 -- Redd's, Brooklyn
We played yet another show with Zeke Healy (I can't really complain about that, it is always a pleasure to share a stage with this upstanding young gentleman), and Pearl (a dude who dresses up like Janis Joplin and not surprisingly plays Janis Joplin songs). The stage was small and there weren't that many humans there, but at least the humans who were there were friendly and we didn't get beer cans thrown at us. Although it sounds really awesome, I cannot tell you enough that it is actually quite painful to get aluminum objects filled with alcoholic liquid thrown at your skull. If you don't believe, have a few drinks with your friends and then experiment with different ranges, different brands, what have you. Let me know what you discover.

October 6, 2005 -- Cake Shop, Manhattan
The paper said that Kevin Shea was performing a solo set, whatever that means. Rather than let Kevin get lonely, I accompanied him and no one was particularly surprised as that is the sort of thing we are prone to doing. I do recall being particularly drunk that night, which means that it was probably one of our particularly drunk shows. If you've seen us a few times you might have had the pleasure of witnessing one of these. Amy was right up front for our whole set, which we very much appreciated. She even gave us $20 out of the door, which we especially appreciated. I like trying to get some food in Kevin's stomach one in a while. I will pause right here and note that although amounts of money (or lack of, as the case may be) are often mentioned we are not obsessed with such things. Kevin just likes to pay his phone bill once in a while, and as he is quite literally a full time drummer he relies on getting money from gigs to put food in his stomach. So if he ever seems a little bitter about it, just remember that when you put money in our hands you literally are feeding at least one starving musician. You might not know this about Kevin but he has weird stomach problems too so he mostly only eats yogurt, although he mixes it up with expensive, organic food as it is the only substance his intestines are capable of successfully digesting. This is not so much of a plea as an explanation. Oh yeah, he doesn't like beer either. Only expensive bourbon for mister fancy pants.

October 13, 2005 -- Red & Black, Brooklyn
It looked promising when we turned up as there were quite a few people there when we arrived. We are not used to that sort of reception, but as usual it was news to people that we were actually performing. There are some shows that I understand us not exactly being billed on, but when we are asked to play a show and told that it will be promoted as such it would be nice if the people in attendance were aware of such things. I suppose it only adds to our mystery, any show could be a Puttin' On The Ritz show (and many have been, much to the surprise and occasional dismay of promoters, clubs, bands, concert-goers, etc.) What mystery remains, that is the question, that is what still haunts me to this day.

October 16, 2005 -- Pachyderm Haus, Brooklyn
The Pachyderm Haus is essentially (well, not essentially, in actual fact) a garage in Dumbo. We decided that although there was some foot traffic, there would be more if we actually played in the street. This was probably to our advantage as we managed to confuse not a few people on their way to see "art" in "galleries" or whatever. In an apartment across the street people were making signs with taunts or jeers or love letters written on them, I couldn't read them because I didn't know they were there. I did see a little kid dancing at some point, which is really all you can ask for. I've heard the market for children's music is quite lucrative, perhaps one that we can tap for the millions we so richly deserve. I got the last laugh a few weeks later when I received a check for our performance fee in the amount of $20. Take that!
Read Kevin's account here, if you dare.

October 31, 2005 -- Tecate, Brooklyn
We had the honor (and the privelege, if you like) to play with such legends as Calvin Johnson, Hella, Japanther, Old Time Relijun, and Tender Forever. If you prefer the word myth to legend, feel free to replace it, it is none of my business. In fact, replace any words you might feel uncomfortable with, perhaps my order was not quite cunning enough. Regardless, bands could not play inside any later than 12am. As Hella finished at 11:45pm, it became clear that we would be unable to play on the stage. Well, it was unbeknownst to Kevin at the time as he had run off to the East Village for some other show that he didn't really end up playing. So I set up his drum kit on the street corner, and when he arrived I proceeded to yell myself hoarse as the only microphone I had wasn't actually plugged into anything. We had planned on performing as Simon & Garfunkel but didn't actually have time to practice any of their songs so we didn't. We did add "Last Caress", which Kevin managed to play completely wrong simply because he'd never heard The Misfits before. It was a glorious evening (not too cold, quite a few people watching) to be playing in the street. We are not mere buskers, we are superheroes, etc.
Kevin had some things to say about this evening as well, and if you look here you can absord them through your eyeballs.

November 7, 2005 -- Club Exit, Brooklyn
There were lots of people at this show. Most of them failed to come to the VIP or whatever lounge we were playing in. Death from Above 1979 started their set approximately 7 minutes into ours so we played one more song and called it a night.
Kevin was much more verbose about the show, and should you be interested in such things you can look here to learn more.

November 18, 2005 -- Fireproof Gallery, Brooklyn
This was yet another Casey Block curated event. Thank you Casey, as we had a blast. Kevin did not have his kick drum so we turned a table on its side and used that instead. This night introduced, to my knowledge, the first time that Kevin did a headstand and played the drums simultaneously. I responded by sticking my head between his legs and singing. Fun? Fun. You try it whist drinking a bourbon and see how well you fare.

November 19, 2005 -- Matchless, Brooklyn
Casey was having a party and asked us to play. There were several bands before us that he had nothing to do with booking; they ranged from horrible to not so good, from what I could tell. Some woman came up to me and demanded that I give her the microphone whilst we were singing "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer", but I refused on the grounds that it seemed like a bad idea. Kevin's drums fell over (mostly because they cannot support his weight) a few times, a few drunk Polish men at the bar shot us some dirty looks, and then Casey told me we could play one more song just as I was about to announce that the next song would be our last. We know when to hit it and quit it, most of the time anyway.

December 13, 2005 -- Delancey Lounge; Manhattan, NY
A friend of a friend put this show together, I don't think I ever really even got the names of the other bands. We played downstairs, where we had never actually played before. I'm not used to all the stage lights and monitors, I can't see anything and all I can hear is the sound of my own voice. So I think people were out there, and I think they were applauding, but I was locked in some sort of feedback loop and I was feeling unwell so it might have all been in my head.

December 17, 2005 -- Exit Art; Manhattan, NY
I was a little disappointed with this show, I have to admit. We were really excited about doing it because La Suprette last year was so much fun. We even rehearsed for the first and only time in 2005 in preparation and learned 3 (three!) new songs. Of course, playing at 2:30pm when everybody is busy shopping in another room is not particularly conducive to playing well or having too much fun. The fact that I was still a bit ill probably didn't help, either. We did debut our fully rehearsed version of "Earth Angel", now destined to be a classic (as well as Fiona Campbell's favorite). A part of me wanted to stay and see the other bands (most of which contained at least several friends) but I was in a bit of a bad mood and the dude who sang opera whilst playing a wine glass didn't really inspire me to hang out.

December 19, 2005 -- Scenic; Manhattan, NY
Now this was the show of the season. We went on at 1:30am, fully drunk, with Vaz and The Good Good scheduled to play after us. A few songs into our set the barback or whatever comes up and tells us, quitely loudly, that the cops are here because of a noise complaint and we have to stop. We viewed this with a bit of skepticism, as we are an acoustic band and the DJ upstairs was in all likelihood much louder than we were. Kevin informed me later that he had been on a Lenny Bruce kick, which is why he stood up and start screaming obscenities and then sat back down and started playing the drums again. The barback came back up on the stage and knocked the drums onto the ground as everyone else in the room inched closer to the stage in case it came to blows. Kevin Shea is respected in some circles, at least. Kevin screamed a few more things (something about how The Ritz can't be stopped, I cannot recall) and then immediately loaded out his gear and hopped in a cab. The same barback could be overheard saying "Man, that guy doesn't even have his chops." While there are many things that can be said of Kevin Shea, you cannot say that he is a sub-par drummer. Well, you can say it, but it would be a lie. I was told later that it was quite the event to have witnessed, apparently everyone's night was made by watching Kevin completely disintegrate or whatever it was that he did. I still don't really know and I was on stage watching at the time. Ask him next time you see him, if you're curious. We are in all likelihood banned from Scenic now, but since I can't see myself trying to book us there again anytime soon I'm not too worried about it.

January 9, 2006 -- Knitting Factory Old Office; Manhattan, NY
The trilogy is complete, it took us some time but we have now played every floor of the Knitting Factory. I don't think anything particularly memorable occurred, we played really well to a mostly empty house. It took the crowd a little bit to warm up to us, they were applauding not just politely by the end. The woman working the door complimented me on our performance, I think I am still amazed when strangers come up to me and admit that they like my band. I, of course, think we are amazing. I don't necessarily expect others to share my view, of course. If ten people had come to see us then we would have gotten 70% of the ticket price of every person after that who came. Thus, not wanting to embarrass ourselves, we showed ourselves out. Hello, 2006.

cookies crumbling

noreply@blogger.com (usurper the) — Sun, 18 Dec 2005 21:17:00 +0000

greetings earth people -- power to the earth -- citizens unite, be nice to eachother, and don't forget to be didactic during the holdiays because people really appreciate it -- people especially like to be criticized on the holidays. so universally tell everyone you know to be nice, like some cheap form of indoctrination, be a school teacher, this is your chance. now its ok to not be nice when prostheletizing. prosthetic humor for a prosthetic happiness. and also the other day bj and i played a wonderful holiday show at the exit art la supperstore thingy. it was great fun, and we even managed to sell zero cd's once again. so to all of you who didn't buy our cd -- thank you again, we really appreciate it. because if you bought the cd's my mind might be so blown i might die. thank you for not wanting to me to die. actually thank you for not coming to the show either, because if you had actually come to the supperoo event then i would equally have been blown away and i would have equally keeled over, ralphed a little bit, and then died, maybe with one final shutter, laying there frozen on my make-shift bass drum (a wash tub provided by todd p -- maybe todd p knew i might die -- the tub would have served as some sort of sled to drag me out of there). so to the 2 of you who were there seeing our show, shame on you! never come and see us again! we prefer to play to no one! no at all for the rest of our god damn lives!! A-MEN!

monday nov 7th 2005 club exit

noreply@blogger.com (usurper the) — Wed, 09 Nov 2005 20:38:00 +0000

here's a pic from the dumbo arts show set up by dr. todd p (phd in rad shows).
i blacked out bj's face because he was mean to me in bed the other night.

we played club exit recently, on the 2nd stage, but the headlining band took all the money those cheap bastards. it's crazy to think about, but their gurantee was so high no other bands in the vip lounge got paid. shouldn't this be illegal? i didn't realize how much their guarantee was, so i was pissed when all i made was 1 dollar -- actually i took it quite personally! haha! sometimes its hard not to take things personally when you don't have all the information. i just assumed with the amount of people there we would be making a little more than cab fare. but now i know why i only made 1 dollar: because the headlining band took all the $. todd p was surpised by this and tried to get some $ to pay the vip lounge bands, but the main band's managers wouldn't have it. i want to apologize to todd p -- i gave him a hard time, but he batted on our side against these corporate fucks. anecdote, kids: i remember a friend of mine was unknown and opened for sting, all stadium sold-out gigs. sting was making hundreds of thousands, and my friend was making $200 a night. that's called payin' your dues. we here at puttin' on the ritz aren't only paying our dues, we are paying yours as well apparently. don't worry folks, soon puttin' on the ritz will be taking all the $ with our mind-boggling guarantees (ornette coleman is notorious for huge guarantees -- at one point it was 50 million) and when we do, we're taking you with us (exactly where remains to be determined -- but you may want to bring your own soap).

the other night, and a few nights before that

noreply@blogger.com (usurper the) — Thu, 03 Nov 2005 18:57:00 +0000

last night we almost played a show: glasshouse gallery in williamsburg, nov something 2005. i was a block away from the gig, carting my drums to the show after packing them up only minutes earlier, when bj phoned me to tell me not to bother coming because the vibe was mellow at glasshouse -- everyone wanted to go home who was still there, and it was just the bands attending at that point anyway. so i carted my stuff back to sound city where my rehearsal space is (by the way, people -- this isn't exactly a walk in the park or a picnic with your fucking girlfriend -- this shit is heavy and my cart wobbles all over the place, keeps falling over. by the time i have carted the drums around for more than a block the tendons in my hand are stretched to high heaven and thus playing cold creates injuries -- on these occasions when i get home i ice my arms down to keep them from swelling. not to mention these late night cartings are made all the more difficult on poorly lit streets what with poop land mines everywhere. usually i can avoid getting your sad-city-slave dog's poop all over my shoe, but controlling the wheels of my cart is a whole different story. by the way, "a whole different story" is a cliche -- you may notice other cliches in this missive -- i don't care. back to what i was saying: bj doesnt understand what i have to do to get to these gigs -- he simply shows up carrying nothing, and leaves promptly after the gig. after the gig, my night has only just begun).
anyway folks, after not playeg i went to capone's and met jon skateboard who gave me some much needed $ for a 's gig (i don't know what that means -- but perhaps you do you fucking smart fuck) i played there the other day (after which the dude from magnetic fields DJ'd some bad lounge music), this was either in oct or nov, on one of the day's of either of those 2 months. please don't make me look in my schedule book for the details.
on a previous the other night we played a show on the sidewalk. it might have been halloween -- that's the time of year when sportsfan drunks keep me up all night at the bar across the street from my apartment. i was there only minutes before we were supposed to play, showing up in a cab from no malice in manhattan where i had a "played" a previous gig that was running late. at the no malice (east village) gig i played one song or so with a rock/disco band. the set was cut extremely short because they fucked up their timing. playing 2 gigs in one night is not a piece of cake or a picinic with your fukcing boyfriend (do i need to spell things correctly -- you're a fucking smart person -- spell it yourself in your head -- do i have to give everything to you on a silver platter). many e-mails of prep go into these nights, including working out all transport $ in advance. and when i give a range of time i can play to people and they try and push it to the last minute, i cut out exactly when i say i had to leave regardless or whether or not the set is over. do you like my shifting of past and present? yeah? fuck you. so anyway, before i get to the no malice gig i have already packed up my drums and taken a car to the late night puttin on the ritz gig, unloaded my drums there and set them up, and then took the subway to no malice. after the one song no malice set, i rushed to take a subway to the puttin on the ritz gig -- but late nights subways unite against the oity -- i waited and waited and eventually took a fucking cab to the puttin on the ritz gig.
i arrived to the gig about 10minutes before me and bj were going to play -- bj had already pulled my drums out to the sidewalk and was sitting behind them on the drum stool. i payed the lame-ass cab fare (my transport should be free in all parts of the universe) and donned my tie. after halla stopped playing (love it when they stop, folks...) we kicked it off with girl from ipanema. bj was handed a mic with no cord before our set from todd p. we played as real men -- a set of nite time maurauders (do you know how to spell that word -- am i going to look it up...i don't think so). more later folks, this is just a taste. basically puttin on the ritz kicks ass -- we sold a cd, and we didn't have to wear boring costumes in the meantime. i helped todd load out his gear at his space and he helped me with my drums at my practice space, in the interim his van in between a rock and a hard place, or slipperyer than greased owl shit, or cold as a withces tit. a witches tit.
a few nights before that we played a show somewhere i think but i can't remember where or what happened.

dumbo arts fest, or something

noreply@blogger.com (usurper the) — Wed, 19 Oct 2005 05:30:00 +0000

we were first on the 25 band bill. bj had the idea of playing on the street. the mic cord, a well endowed 200 foot love minion, squirted across a mostly empty loading bay. i set up my drums in front of a wall on the sidewalk. a mistake blocking the pa speakers, bj's croons about half a second delay before hitting my ears. but don't worry folks -- i held onto the throttle and motorized the tunes with my manly drum bunny. it was 4:30pm when we started. bj had admirably guzzled 3 16 oz budweisers in less than 20 minutes prior to our "performance." how come no one ever buys our $2 cd's? they're $2 folks. you could lose one of your 5 daily cups of coffee and you'd still live, folks. i'm considering consulting bj about a 25 cent decrease. but keep your pants on folks, this may take some serious negotiating. bartenders are upset when i get a free drink without tipping. do they realize i am making $0? they should tip me for drinking one of their shitty well drinks. i should get a tip for waking up in the morning. CAN YOU RELATE, GERBLE? at some point in the set bj was informed of the mother/infant glaring at us from the 3rd floor window across the street. she looked a little young to have a kid. she might have been a nanny. i like nanny's because they keep things real in the fam. folks: bj sang a compelling version of rainbow connection for the kids watching. dumbo is teaming with strollers. great place to raise your kids. keep up the good work, keep populating the planet, because your child will save the planet. a few things were tossed into my face during the set and not by bj. i like that but not when they are hard objects. does that make sense? this is not the late '70's, people. but i supppose if i was blessed enough to be a puttin' on the ritz audience member (yes you are a team, folks -- be good to your colleagues) i would also gesticulate. i feel bad about almost hitting someone with the drumstick i threw in the air with the hope to catch it. but thats life for you isn't it -- out of nowhere a drumstick falls from the sky right at you. you can move, try to catch it, or get hit on the head by it. can you think of other possibilities? i'll bet you can. i'll bet you $2.

Left Foot Green, etc.

noreply@blogger.com (B.J.) — Sun, 07 Aug 2005 01:16:00 +0000

August 4, 2005 -- Free 103.9, Brooklyn
Mindy asked us to play her radio show, the theme of which was ostensibly toys. Apparently before we played some dudes were interviewed about such things, but I was out back looking at the Williamsburg Bridge and drinking at the time so I was not privy to such things. Kevin and Laura Hannah went to get some food, apparently. Mindy had a bunch of people from Florida staying at her house so she made them all come over and watch us. In between songs we were supposed to be interviewed about toys, but we only had like, 20 minutes to play so we sort of didn't respond to well to the questions. This was the second night in a row that we were playing in a hot room without air conditioning so there was much sweating involved. Since there were 20 people in the room and 10 people listening on the radio, we sort of played more for the humans we could actually see with our own eyes. We debuted "Earth Angel", which I probably fucked up almost as badly as I fucked up "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer", although it is hard to say for sure. Kevin was in top form, apparently. I got a little tired so I was lying on the ground, which Kevin responded to by putting his chair on top of me and playing like that. I'm not sure if you could hear it on the air or not but we were throwing each other and drums around the room quite a bit. We were playing Twister or something during "Fly Me to the Moon", I don't remember the details but I think most of our limbs were tangled up and drumsticks were flying about and someone was singing it but I don't remember whom. I might have been drunk, but I am admitting to nothing. After our set we took some trivia quiz and one, we were the only group to actually get a question correct. If you are curious, the answer was "Husker Du", and Kevin got it, not me. Sigh. Since there was no prize it didn't really matter anyway. I went downstairs after the show and some of my friends were hanging out down there, they heard bodies colliding with the floor and thought that it might have been us but couldn't tell for sure. I suppose we don't make distinct enough sounds, I don't know. If you're lucky I'll see you in the pit or in heaven or somewhere, but remember to bring a drink for me, save the last dance for me.

310.9 Degrees Kelvin, etc.

noreply@blogger.com (B.J.) — Thu, 04 Aug 2005 14:13:00 +0000

August 3, 2005 – Glasshouse, Brooklyn
It was, how do you say, much like a sauna in there. The sweatiest show of my career, maybe. Actually, I cannot remember the entirety of my career right now, but it was certainly up there. We played with Wives, Chinese Stars, Bird Names and Scalpels (Japanther was supposed to play but back out a few days beforehand, and Cheeseburger elected not to play for reasons mostly unknown, possibly because it was too hot and they were too drunk, I’m not really sure). I would like to think that we were in top form, but I was drunk and sweating profusely (I think I might have lost a pound or two), so I might have been hallucinating. Lately Kevin has really been enjoying throwing one or both of his sticks high in the air and then occasionally catching them. By occasionally I mean not very often. By not very often I mean not at all. The vast majority of the people there left the room just as we were about to play, perhaps it was the heat or the fact that they were maybe vaguely aware of the fact that we were playing. It could have been for any number of reasons, I suppose. I am not a mindreader, despite my protestations to the contrary. The temperature of the room dropped a few degrees when they left, so it might have been for the best anyway. I’m not sure that people really felt like they were in Rio when I attempted to tell them all about the Girl from Ipanema, but I did my best to make them believe that they really were in the southern hemisphere. For some unknown reason Kevin started playing the drumbeat to Sunday Bloody Sunday, which is all good and fine but the only words I know to that song are those. So I crooned “Sunday, Bloody Sunday” a few times and then threw in a “Sabbath Bloody Sabbath” for good measure because it seemed like a good idea at the time. I borrowed Chinese Stars’ drums for a few minutes so Kevin and I could solo together, although I’m not sure that it counts as a solo if two people are doing it. Semantics, I know. Regardless, I believe that we played quite well and received a hug or two after the set to that effect. Thank you, my friends. Come to think of it, I would like to thank Stephanie Wakefield for holding my glasses during the set, I’ve broken too many pairs already and it is hard to find a spot that is safe from Kevin Shea, what with the drumsticks and the humans and the microphones flying around, etc. Let’s fall in love!

Confidential to Broke in Brooklyn: Dude.

Natural Log, etc.

noreply@blogger.com (B.J.) — Mon, 25 Jul 2005 16:30:00 +0000

July 20, 2005 – Glasshouse, Brooklyn
Most of my memories of this show involve the room being unbearably hot. Hot! We shared the stage with our friends Nick Flanagan, Bent Outta Shape, Ill Ease, and 50 Million. We decided to use two drum kits again, which might have been ill advised because I was a little dizzy from the alcohol and the heat. Thus, I faired poorly on the drums. But then Sharp got up and played with us for a bit, which was probably fun but I can’t really remember. Most of the people who were there had left by the time we played, probably because it was so hot. Hot! I was sweating and then I rode my bicycle home and went to bed.

July 23, 2005 – Parking Lot in Long Island City, Queens
Todd outdid himself, booking something like 37 (to wit: Matt & Kim, Growing, Eloe Omoe, Parts & Labor, Aa, USAISAMONSTER, Free Blood, Japanther, Afrirampo and Lightning Bolt) bands to play all afternoon and evening. We were part of the second stage contingent, which also included Talibam and Necking.

1st set: We were going to perform around dusk, but then a little after 4pm Todd approached me and said that we had to play now. So, we set up and played in the blazing sun. What was nice was that the 7 train could be seen going behind us, I imagine it was quite scenic but I was facing the other way so I couldn’t really tell. I had drained a few beers in a very short amount of time in an attempt to ready myself for this performance, which may or may not have worked. I believe we played quite well, in fact I think we gave our most spirited performance of Rainbow Connection to date. Much to our surprise, people watched the whole set and didn’t throw too many things at us. I had the foresight to apply plenty of sunscreen before I left the house, which probably aided me in not receiving a terrible sunburn. So yes, we had a blast. Playing outside in the afternoon whilst drinking beer is pretty much always a good time. People kept coming up to me and commending me on our performance, total strangers even! I think Kevin even managed to offend one of them, which might not have been the best idea as we sort of need all the support we can get. Thanks, Kevin.

2nd set: When Todd asked us to play early he said that we could also play late if we wanted. We decided that yes, we wanted. So we played again in the dark, with the 7 train still running behind us and occasionally drowning us out. This time there were a few more projectiles, although I don’t think any of them were really on target. It was nice to get to play live in the round, as there were people forming some sort of circle around us. We usually do not command that sort of audience appreciation, so we did our best to keep them entertained. I was standing on top of a large amplifier but managed not to fall off and hurt myself. I had been drinking for at least five hours straight by that point, which made that no small feat. People made requests which we totally ignored, mostly because they were requesting songs we had played in our first set and we weren’t interested in repeating ourselves. I ripped Kevin from the drums and launched into Fly me to the Moon, and Kevin retaliated by standing on them then kicking them over. Undaunted, I continued playing Kevin and the fallen drums. What fun we had! For some reason we are always surprised when people like us, maybe we’ve been hit in the head with too many beer cans at this point. I cannot tell. After the set some dude from Switzerland by way of Missoula or something like that was gushing to me about how great we were. Then some other dude came up and started harassing me about what the point of our bands is. What is the point of our band? Wouldn’t you like to know! What is the point of any band, what sort of message is any band trying to get across? I know we certainly are not making a living off this and probably will not be any time soon (unless we enter the Twilight Zone, which seems unlikely) so we better be having a good fucking time. It is all about the good time and all that jazz, etc. Actually, I can’t really tell what the point is anymore, I think I might have known once but it has been buried beneath gallons of bourbon and the occasional beer. Well, maybe a few more beers than that, but I think you know what I mean. Alcohol. If we needed an excuse to get drunk I could say that is the reason we play, but I am perfectly capable of getting drunk without being in a band. It certainly hasn’t gotten either of us laid, which is another famous reason for being in a band. In fact, this might be bad for our image (you know these things are very delicate), but Kevin and I have gone from being two bachelors to both having girlfriends so getting laid isn’t really a priority anymore (well, it is still a priority, but there is only one particular woman we are each trying to have sex with). But I don’t think either of us can point to this band as the reason we both found love, which should probably not come as a surprise to any of you. In any event, the answer is, the point of our band is because we love you. I should hope that satisfies your curiosity, etc. Actually, what was I talking about again? Do you know what the cube root of 27 is? I’ll give you a hint: it’s prime. Actually, that one was too easy. Why don’t you tell me what the logarithm of 1000 is? Or rather, tell yourself, because I already know. Toodles!