Puttin' On The Ritz

Malediction for Rosie O'Donnell

2010-11-21T13:40:00.000-05:00

Die! Die! Die!

2010-04-09T03:52:00.004-04:00

Produced by BJ Rubin
Directed by Ari Fishman
Die! Die! Die! is Andrew Wilson, Lachlan Anderson, and Michael Prain
Thanks to Trace Crutchfield, David Guinan, Matthew Nauser, and Mike Dowd

©2007 Petite Monster Productions

The Daily Show, etc.

2010-01-23T11:08:00.009-05:00

go for the gold

2009-12-11T00:23:00.002-05:00

AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT... THE EARTH TOOK A TURN FOR THE WORST. NO ONE KNEW OR CARED TO ASK WHY. IT WAS TOO LATE NOW. THERE WAS ONLY SURVIVAL. BECAUSE OF THE DIGITAL REVOLUTION, ALL PHYSICAL PHOTOGRAPHS WERE DESTROYED FROM THE PAST EXCEPT FOR THIS STRANGE RELIC. NO ONE KNOWS FOR SURE OF ITS ORIGIN. NO ONE KNOWS FOR SURE OF ITS MEANING. WE CAN ONLY SPECULATE, AS WELL AS WE CAN WITH OUR FUTURISTIC DISTRACTIONS OF BEYOND TANGIBILITY. THE AMZING THING IS, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

WHY

2009-12-04T22:47:00.006-05:00

WHY DO I FEAR MYSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

oh... why do i fear myself in the middle of the night

what scary sound dost thy maketh within

a lasso reaps the golden nuts from alien ship residue syndrome

i milk man ... i milk man... me milk milk man

MILK

when love and wonder are forgiven entities of frogs

when little petey made a friend on the subway that night before THE FOOTBALL GAME

i want orange milk to ooze out of my eyeballs

all the while a goat named Donna waxes political about ho hum current events

ITS LIKE TEETH FROM THE MARS LANDER FROM THE MARS LANDER LAND

from the mars lander from the mars lander

the mars lander

THE MARS LANDERER PERFORMED HIS MISSION WITH REPUTABLE COMMAND

HE OR SHE INSPIRED A WHOLE POPULATION OF GENDERLESS (insert here)

time and again the land looks down on me, even as i stand above it

LIKE A BORED DOVE IN THE DAWN MIST OF CHANGE

i ate a mediocre taco for lunch

WHY

OH WHY

WHY DO I CONTEMPLATE SQUASH

Oceanic Times, etc.

2009-11-06T14:18:00.002-05:00

Edgy, etc.

2009-09-25T15:44:00.003-04:00

Whilst on my recent trip overseas, I stopped by The London Gallery to snap a few self portraits.

Self portrait with self portrait of Rembrandt, age 34.

Self portrait with self portrait of Jan Lievens, age 31.

Private Moments

2009-08-10T14:06:00.000-04:00

Enjoy them while they last, etc.

WHAT

2009-08-02T03:33:00.003-04:00

Is this weird?

New Beginnings, etc.

2009-06-08T14:02:00.000-04:00

Hello there intrepid Puttin' on the Ritz fans. We have been silent for some time now but that does not mean we have not been busy. We recently recorded some new tracks with the following lineup:

BJ Rubin - vocals
Kevin Shea - drums
Moppa Elliott - upright bass
Peter Evans - trumpet
Jon Irabagon - saxophone
Weasel Walter - keyboard

They are our best yet and will be made available in due time. I hope you are as excited about them as we are.

Some of you may be interested to know that I am playing Puttin' on the Ritz solo shows now. It took me five years to figure out that I don't need Kevin to get on stage and be funny, and thus I will be making my debut as a standup comedian on June 14th at the acoustic BBQ out at Fort Tilden -- the most beautiful beach in New York City. Be there or be square, etc.

All The Good News, etc.

2008-06-24T11:14:00.006-04:00

So you may or may not know this, but Puttin' On The Ritz made a record. It is called Bangin' Your Way Into The Future and we are really proud of it. Our friends Moppa Elliott, Peter Evans, and Jon Irabagon were kind of enough to join us in the studio and play double bass, trumpet, and saxophone respectively.

The record is out now courtesy of Hot Cup Records. To celebrate this we are taking the show on the road again, this time with all five of us in tow. If you live in any of these cities (or know anyone who does), please come (or tell them to). The Puttin' On The Ritz Quintet is a joy to behold, I promise you.

6/27/08 -- Banana Factory; Allentown, PA w/ Mostly Other People Do The Killing
6/28/08 -- Scarey Studios; Baltimore, MD (Dance Party but no quintet)
6/29/08 -- Gojjo; Philadelphia, PA w/ Mostly Other People Do The Killing
6/30/08 -- Lilypad; Boston, MA w/ Quartet Of Happiness, Mostly Other People Do The Killing
7/1/08 -- Stairwell Gallery; Providence, RI w/ Mostly Other People Do The Killing
7/2/08 -- Velvet Lounge; Washington, DC w/ Little Howlin' Wolf, Mostly Other People Do The Killing, Thee Ultimate Vag
7/3/08 -- Dead Herring; Brooklyn, NY w/ Brasilia, Mostly Other People Do The Killing, Hard Bop (Record Release Party!)

Somewhat Recursive, etc.

2007-10-17T16:23:00.000-04:00

We demanded a recount, and apparently we were found to be the winners. I am not sure how many other bands were in the running for best Punk Comedy Cabaret Act, but according to the Village Voice we are the best in the city. Kudos to us, of course.

If you are here as of a result of the Village Voice, hello! It is very nice to meet you! Please make yourself at home. Feel free to write us love letters, invite yourselves into our homes, buy us beers. A good place to discover us would be here. We will do our best to be the brother, sister, mother, father, aunt, uncle, best friend, worst enemy, etc. that you never had. That is, if you will have us.

As for the rest of you, now that we are famous I'm not sure we still have time for you.

Banging Yr Way Into The Future, etc.

2007-07-11T23:20:00.001-04:00

Only we could possibly set up a five day tour and have two of the days be in New York. Well, perhaps someone else could have done it is well, but they wouldn't have been banging their way into the future whilst doing it. I have absolutely no idea how one actually bangs their way into the future, you would have to ask Kevin Shea (or Sticks, as he prefers being called this for some reason). Shortly before we went on at the Knitting Factory he approached me and suggested that we start wearing cologne at shows. I suppose this would help us get more "in character" or make us "sluttier". Seriously folks, we played in Cleveland, OH. We drove approximately 8 hours to play to 30 people and not get paid. Someone drove 5 hours from Michigan to see us perform this feat. What sort of life is this that we lead? We played in Washington, DC to 10 people and got paid more than any other night (thank you Allison Wolfe and Chris Grier for that one). Jherek Bischoff played double bass with us in Brooklyn, and I think I probably scared him when I grabbed it and started jumping around. We played to approximately 300 people at Knitting Factory, many of whom were later heard exclaiming "I don't know why, but I really liked them!" We prefer people to be confused about the pleasure they take in us, guilty or otherwise. The night then went on to become the stuff of legend as Kevin Shea, Marnie Stern, Shah Motia, Zach Lehrhoff, Ari Fishman, Krystal Selbee, Raquel Medina, Leigh (last name omitted because I don't know what it is) and myself went to some karaoke bar that I can't remember the name of and all managed to spend untold sums of cash on drinks and songs whilst yelling ourselves hoarse. This was a good thing as we only had to drive to Boston the next day and play another show. The sound guy started vibing me at 5 minutes to 9 about going on at 9pm sharp. Kevin could not be located at 9pm although at 9:02 he was discovered in the bathroom taking care of "business" or dropping a "deuce". We slept in my uncle's basement and left the next morning without seeing any residents other than one fat cat. I tried to take his photo but he seemed scared that the camera might "steal his soul". We drove home and vowed to never speak of any of this again, a vow which I promptly broke and continue to break to this very day. Don't fear the reaper, etc.

We would like to send a singing telegram to our girl Marnie Stern for having us play some shows with her and another one to our boy Ari Fishman for his invaluable assistance. Consider that last sentence your singing telegrams. Special thanks to Robby and Zach and Katelyn and Raquel and Nate and Allison and Chris and Hugh and Todd and Jherek. You know who you are.

Fermium Anniversary, etc.

2007-05-21T12:50:00.001-04:00

In case you weren't paying attention (and I barely was), we somehow managed to play our 100th show the other evening. Quite a feat for a band that started over more than a few beers at a party some three years ago, I would say. I am sure that most of you would feel better were you to purchase one or both of us a drink to celebrate the occasion, however belated. Our response will most likely be a hearty "yes".

Meetings, etc.

2006-10-04T18:12:00.001-04:00

I just wanted to share with you the fact that not only did I get to chat with Terry Gilliam for a bit this afternoon (as you can see from this fine photo), but I walked by a tall man with big white hair whom (I was later informed) was none other than Thomas Pynchon. If you want to know why I didn't recognize him then you're an idiot. Thank you for sharing in my excitement. I'm generally not one to get overly enthused about meeting celebrities, but I feel like this is an obvious exception.

The Burg

2006-07-28T10:00:00.007-04:00

Puttin' On The Ritz were featured on an internet television series known as The Burg. When I was younger I used to take young ladies to the waterfront location for the purpose of drinking beer and making out.

coifs and carafes

2006-07-14T20:42:00.000-04:00

these are my recent realizations -- at the current moment a number of shows have passed us by, lost unheard and alone. how many brush strokes have been lost to time's pretense?

Bon Anniversaire, etc.

2006-05-08T11:59:00.000-04:00

POTR is two years old today. How we will cope with the terrible twos, I really cannot say. And many more, etc.

Condition Indigo, etc.

2006-03-23T12:48:00.000-05:00

March 22, 2006 -- Galapagos, Brooklyn
I was a little disoriented when I walked into the room and was greeted by six or so women on stage dressed in bikinis and wearing brightly colored wigs. I say six or so because I did not bother to take an exact count, it was all a little too weird for me. They had costume changes to augment the fact that their backing band was a cd player emitting strange midi tunes. I believe the name of the act was Witches in Bikinis, although I could be wrong. I was wondering what sort of people would put on a show like this, are they musicians, are they actors, are artists? All of the above? None? Since I had little to no interest in doing the research necessary to discover such details, we will all have to remain in the dark for the time being. My favorite part of the evening had to be the static trapeze act, the whole reason we agreed to do the show in the first place. The act consisted of two women on a stationary trapeze doing all sorts of crazy acrobatics. It is really the sort of thing you have to see, I suppose. Suffice it to say, it was awesome. Then we went to set up. The thing about the stage in the front room at Galapagos is that it has a curtain, presumably because they do theater there. So the curtain opened (giving us our grand entrance) and we proceeded to clear out about half the room. I have to say, only half isn't too bad. And you can't completely blame us, it was after midnight on a wednesday. Much to our surprise, we had a cheering section up front. I say we were surprised because the only people in the room we knew were the promoters and Kevin's girlfriend (hi Laura). We started playing If You Wanna Be Happy but I got bored during Kevin's drum solo so I knocked him over and we played Fly Me To The Moon. Kevin somehow managed to stuff himself into his bass drum (we did need the sound dampened, I guess) and we finished the set with me playing Kevin's feet and him mumbling something or another. At the end of the night one of the people up front came up and started chatting with me, and as it happened it was one of the women on the trapeze earlier. I suppose our target audience always ends up being the people in the other bands. But we did strike a deal, in that we agreed to perform together, share a stage, back each other up, etc. So perhaps if you are lucky, sometime soon you too can see two women slithering over a trapeze suspended from something or another whilst Kevin and I beat each other senseless with drumsticks.

Do you ever get the feeling you're being taken for granted? Come see Puttin' On The Ritz again for the first time, or else, etc.

Forgive Our Sins, etc.

2006-03-20T13:22:00.000-05:00

Dear POTR fans (To the accidental tourist: hello. You might not know us yet, but I guarantee an increase in productivity if not sheer joy should you choose to continue reading. Actually, that applies to the lost of you.),

It appears that both Kevin and myself have been very, very remiss in updating this site. I would not attribute this to a waning interest on our part, quite the opposite in fact. We are more excited about Puttin' On The Ritz than ever, if that is even possible. It probably isn't. Did you know that infinity isn't even a number? That is to say, you can never count to it. So I suppose it is possible, upon further review, for us to more excited than ever about Puttin' On The Ritz, as one can never be infinitely excited about anything, infinity not even being a number. That answered my question. Why then, you ask, are we not engaging you in conversation? Perhaps it is because we would like you to converse with us live in person, rather than via keyboards and monitors and the whatnot. We are flesh and blood, whatever Kevin might say to the contrary. He was, I believe, quite drunk when he said those things. Never mind what things. The point is this -- why read about the gospel when you can come witness it for yourself? I suppose if you must live vicariously through my words and shoddy memory, then so be it. I will admonish you no more, but I will admit that I was not witholding anything, I just couldn't find the words. It happens to the best of us, please forgive me.

March 3, 2006 -- Our Lady Of Consolation Church Rec Center, Brooklyn
We had been looking forward to this show for some time, as we were to be performing with Harry and the Potters. Something about playing to underage girls was intriguing, although I'm still not sure what. Actually, strike that. What is intriguing about them is that they love the shit out of Kevin Shea, apparently. I mean, what 16 year old girl wouldn't? He sure is dreamy. At least one girl thought so, who kept screaming about being a hot asian girl and pointing to herself. She had braces and was wearing a pink hoodie with cat ears. Kevin was, needless to say, quite flattered. The question is, would Kevin Shea do the unthinkable? Luckily for us, Kevin has a girlfriend, and thus we will never have to know the truth, horrible or otherwise. Everytime I heard him telling the story she got younger and younger as well, stemming from a penchant he has for telling taller and taller tales. I think by the time he was telling his girlfriend, she was 12. I would like to take a moment and state for the record that I am in no way trying to ridicule or otherwise demean this girl. The truth is, Kevin is smart, handsome, and talented. In short, quite a catch. Laura is a lucky woman, although I think it might be more fair to say that Kevin is a lucky man. I have met the man and although he is all those things he is also pretty high maintenance. Did you know, for instance, that on some days all he eats is yogurt? The man has a finicky digestive system, among other things. I certainly am no saint, but at least my small intestine can successfully break down most foods into the various particles that either go back up, or in the case of the less useful bits, all the way down. Despite our obvious differences, somehow we manage to get along well enough to play some of the best damn music this city has ever seen. We you there that night, you were privy to the proof being in fact, in the pudding. Or yogurt, or whatever. For instance, I asked god to damn the girl from Ipanema whilst on stage in a church. Blasphemy? I was made aware of my lack of tact, to which I admitted to being a Jew. What was I greeted with? Mostly silence. Awkward silence. Lucky for us, that's our favorite kind.

March 3, 2006 -- Our Lady Of Consolation Church Rec Center, Brooklyn
We were asked to open and close the night. Our second set, as is generally the case, involved quite a bit more alcohol in our bloodstream than the first. Perhaps everyone had tired, perhaps they'd yelled themselves hoarse at Kevin earlier, perhaps seeing Harry and the Potters had made their lives complete, perhaps whatever, most people did not stick around for this, our arguably better, set. I say arguably because I don't really remember, which is either really good or really bad. I do recall slowly dragging myself (on my back, no less) along the ground whilst screaming some gibberish about skibbety something or another. It was a request, after all. I will admit that we've started taking requests, but only if you request a song we know. We do not take requests for songs we are unfamiliar with, for reasons that I think would be obvious. It certainly doesn't stop people from making such requests.

As mentioned earlier, we would love to see your smiling faces live and in person. Should you be reading this the week beginning March 19, 2006, you are in luck should you have any interest in seeing us live and in person as well. We are performing with trapeze artists and other assorted weirdness at Galapagos on March 22. We are performing with Love of Diagrams, Cortina, Necking, and Grey Daturas at Glasshouse on March 23. We are playing with Direct From Hollywood Cemetary, Partyline, Cortina, Panther, and Shellshag at Cakeshop on March 25. I know you're supposed to love all your children the same, so I won't tell you which I would attend if I could only choose one. Why choose? Come to all three, etc.

In The Lane, etc.

2006-02-09T16:48:00.000-05:00

January 14, 2006 -- 330 Melrose Street, Brooklyn
I received some sort of email from someone I had never met before, which does happen on occasion. Whilst we receive many emails from people in far off lands requesting to transfer huge sums of cash into our bank account (I will let you in on a little secret -- Puttin' On The Ritz does not have a bank account, and if we did I doubt it would get much use), we don't often get unsolicited invitations to play a show. Our answer has pretty much always been yes, that is our policy for some reason. The only shows we say no to are ones that we cannot physically play due to one of us being out of town or Kevin having too many gigs that night or whatever. Kevin had been feeling nauseous and hadn't eaten in approximately 24 hours but he agreed to soldier on and play the show despite advice to the contrary. I arrived at 10:15pm as we were to perform at 11. There weren't many people there and I knew none of them. So I stood around, chatted a bit, and waited for Kevin Shea to appear. Eventually this did occur, and later than sooner we performed. I seem to recall getting a bit beat up, although I mostly blame it on Kevin. Perhaps I shouldn't have been rolling around on the ground, but perhaps Kevin shouldn't have knocked his cymbal over. That being said, the burst blood vessels in my face made it look like I had lipstick on it. Nothing quite so sinister, merely a cymbal to the face. This was shortly after I smacked my lip with the microphone, no doubt whilst in the middle of some sort of gymnastics, verbal or otherwise. When I casually mentioned that we had two more songs, some dude yelled "Three more!" We were willing to oblige. The host politely mentioned that we should not perform all night. Thus, we bid our fans adieu. I emerged into the cold night air a bit worse for the wear, but (and it overjoys me to say this) with my glasses still fully intact.

For the Longest Time, etc.

2006-01-11T17:54:00.000-05:00

There are several reasons why I have not written anything here in quite some time. For those of you that know me, you probably can do some simple arithmetic. For those of you who do not, get the notes from one of your friends after class or however it is we trade information in this, the modern, era. Send a text using your mobile phone, learn semaphore, etc. Happy New Year, Feliz Navidad, don't take any wooden nickels, you know what I mean. If the entries seem a bit vague at times please forgive me, my memory is not quite what it used to be, probably as a result of being in this band. Or perhaps it might be better said, my memory is not quite what it used to be as a result of the large quantities of alcohol being in this band requires me to drink.

August 13, 2005 -- East Village Radio, Manhattan
It was hot. Damn hot. East Village Radio is basically a box on 1st Ave, although it is at least an air conditioned one. If our band had any more members it probably would have collapsed under our collective weight, something about gravity and imploding or something like that, although I doubt there would have been quite enough matter to cause a Quasar or anything like that. Regardless, Ted insisted on walking out onto the street and interviewing passersby, much to their confusion. I think we drank Miller Light or some other similarly noxious beverage. Somebody called in and referred to us as "Puttin' On The Shitz", which may or may not have been appropriate. I have a copy of the podcast that I may or may not share with the general public, depending on my mood at the time.

August 13, 2005 -- 904 Bedford Avenue 6A, Brooklyn
Oh yeah, it was my birthday too. So I had a party at my apartment. Mindy came and was really nervous, for some reason. Despite her jitters, More Teeth performed to thunderous applause. Well, perhaps the thunder was just the blood in my head, I was probably already drunk at the time. Kevin showed up at some point, and I think we played shortly after Zeke Healy finished. Then I continued getting drunk and shortly after 3am made a long distance call to the South Pacific. I failed to provide us a performance fee for appearing at my birthday party.

August 16, 2005 -- Delancey Lounge, Manhattan
Casey Block invited us to play a show he was booking, or curating, or whatever. We played upstairs with the quiet acts (Zeke Healy, some other guy, etc.), probably because we play acoustic instruments, albeit quite loudly. Vaz and Child Abuse played downstairs but we couldn't hear them through the floor. The bar manager approached Casey after the show, and rather than reprimand him (which is what he thought was going to happen), she asked him if he thought we'd like to play a show for her at Galapagos in a few days. He said that we probably would. Keep reading, and you will discover that...

August 20, 2005 -- Galapagos, Brooklyn
...we did. It was a little weird, we played after some dance or theatre thing, it is all a haze of weird art that I don't really care to know anything about. I was a little nervous about playing at 5pm to that sort of crowd so I quickly drank about 8 ounces of bourbon. That didn't seem to be enough, so I started demanding that the quietly attentive audience purchase me a beer. Oddly enough, someone did. It turned out to be one of the organizers, but she refused to let me pay her back. I didn't really understand why we didn't get a guest list or any drink tickets, but since we weren't getting paid I guess it all made sense. I'm sure someone is to blame, and it might very well be us. It sounds bleak, but it was actually a pretty moving performance. When I say moving, I mean that the stage was quite large and Kevin spent at least half the set dragging his drums around it, chasing me, mocking me, whispering sweet nothings in my ear.

October 4, 2005 -- Redd's, Brooklyn
We played yet another show with Zeke Healy (I can't really complain about that, it is always a pleasure to share a stage with this upstanding young gentleman), and Pearl (a dude who dresses up like Janis Joplin and not surprisingly plays Janis Joplin songs). The stage was small and there weren't that many humans there, but at least the humans who were there were friendly and we didn't get beer cans thrown at us. Although it sounds really awesome, I cannot tell you enough that it is actually quite painful to get aluminum objects filled with alcoholic liquid thrown at your skull. If you don't believe, have a few drinks with your friends and then experiment with different ranges, different brands, what have you. Let me know what you discover.

October 6, 2005 -- Cake Shop, Manhattan
The paper said that Kevin Shea was performing a solo set, whatever that means. Rather than let Kevin get lonely, I accompanied him and no one was particularly surprised as that is the sort of thing we are prone to doing. I do recall being particularly drunk that night, which means that it was probably one of our particularly drunk shows. If you've seen us a few times you might have had the pleasure of witnessing one of these. Amy was right up front for our whole set, which we very much appreciated. She even gave us $20 out of the door, which we especially appreciated. I like trying to get some food in Kevin's stomach one in a while. I will pause right here and note that although amounts of money (or lack of, as the case may be) are often mentioned we are not obsessed with such things. Kevin just likes to pay his phone bill once in a while, and as he is quite literally a full time drummer he relies on getting money from gigs to put food in his stomach. So if he ever seems a little bitter about it, just remember that when you put money in our hands you literally are feeding at least one starving musician. You might not know this about Kevin but he has weird stomach problems too so he mostly only eats yogurt, although he mixes it up with expensive, organic food as it is the only substance his intestines are capable of successfully digesting. This is not so much of a plea as an explanation. Oh yeah, he doesn't like beer either. Only expensive bourbon for mister fancy pants.

October 13, 2005 -- Red & Black, Brooklyn
It looked promising when we turned up as there were quite a few people there when we arrived. We are not used to that sort of reception, but as usual it was news to people that we were actually performing. There are some shows that I understand us not exactly being billed on, but when we are asked to play a show and told that it will be promoted as such it would be nice if the people in attendance were aware of such things. I suppose it only adds to our mystery, any show could be a Puttin' On The Ritz show (and many have been, much to the surprise and occasional dismay of promoters, clubs, bands, concert-goers, etc.) What mystery remains, that is the question, that is what still haunts me to this day.

October 16, 2005 -- Pachyderm Haus, Brooklyn
The Pachyderm Haus is essentially (well, not essentially, in actual fact) a garage in Dumbo. We decided that although there was some foot traffic, there would be more if we actually played in the street. This was probably to our advantage as we managed to confuse not a few people on their way to see "art" in "galleries" or whatever. In an apartment across the street people were making signs with taunts or jeers or love letters written on them, I couldn't read them because I didn't know they were there. I did see a little kid dancing at some point, which is really all you can ask for. I've heard the market for children's music is quite lucrative, perhaps one that we can tap for the millions we so richly deserve. I got the last laugh a few weeks later when I received a check for our performance fee in the amount of $20. Take that!
Read Kevin's account here, if you dare.

October 31, 2005 -- Tecate, Brooklyn
We had the honor (and the privelege, if you like) to play with such legends as Calvin Johnson, Hella, Japanther, Old Time Relijun, and Tender Forever. If you prefer the word myth to legend, feel free to replace it, it is none of my business. In fact, replace any words you might feel uncomfortable with, perhaps my order was not quite cunning enough. Regardless, bands could not play inside any later than 12am. As Hella finished at 11:45pm, it became clear that we would be unable to play on the stage. Well, it was unbeknownst to Kevin at the time as he had run off to the East Village for some other show that he didn't really end up playing. So I set up his drum kit on the street corner, and when he arrived I proceeded to yell myself hoarse as the only microphone I had wasn't actually plugged into anything. We had planned on performing as Simon & Garfunkel but didn't actually have time to practice any of their songs so we didn't. We did add "Last Caress", which Kevin managed to play completely wrong simply because he'd never heard The Misfits before. It was a glorious evening (not too cold, quite a few people watching) to be playing in the street. We are not mere buskers, we are superheroes, etc.
Kevin had some things to say about this evening as well, and if you look here you can absord them through your eyeballs.

November 7, 2005 -- Club Exit, Brooklyn
There were lots of people at this show. Most of them failed to come to the VIP or whatever lounge we were playing in. Death from Above 1979 started their set approximately 7 minutes into ours so we played one more song and called it a night.
Kevin was much more verbose about the show, and should you be interested in such things you can look here to learn more.

November 18, 2005 -- Fireproof Gallery, Brooklyn
This was yet another Casey Block curated event. Thank you Casey, as we had a blast. Kevin did not have his kick drum so we turned a table on its side and used that instead. This night introduced, to my knowledge, the first time that Kevin did a headstand and played the drums simultaneously. I responded by sticking my head between his legs and singing. Fun? Fun. You try it whist drinking a bourbon and see how well you fare.

November 19, 2005 -- Matchless, Brooklyn
Casey was having a party and asked us to play. There were several bands before us that he had nothing to do with booking; they ranged from horrible to not so good, from what I could tell. Some woman came up to me and demanded that I give her the microphone whilst we were singing "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer", but I refused on the grounds that it seemed like a bad idea. Kevin's drums fell over (mostly because they cannot support his weight) a few times, a few drunk Polish men at the bar shot us some dirty looks, and then Casey told me we could play one more song just as I was about to announce that the next song would be our last. We know when to hit it and quit it, most of the time anyway.

December 13, 2005 -- Delancey Lounge; Manhattan, NY
A friend of a friend put this show together, I don't think I ever really even got the names of the other bands. We played downstairs, where we had never actually played before. I'm not used to all the stage lights and monitors, I can't see anything and all I can hear is the sound of my own voice. So I think people were out there, and I think they were applauding, but I was locked in some sort of feedback loop and I was feeling unwell so it might have all been in my head.

December 17, 2005 -- Exit Art; Manhattan, NY
I was a little disappointed with this show, I have to admit. We were really excited about doing it because La Suprette last year was so much fun. We even rehearsed for the first and only time in 2005 in preparation and learned 3 (three!) new songs. Of course, playing at 2:30pm when everybody is busy shopping in another room is not particularly conducive to playing well or having too much fun. The fact that I was still a bit ill probably didn't help, either. We did debut our fully rehearsed version of "Earth Angel", now destined to be a classic (as well as Fiona Campbell's favorite). A part of me wanted to stay and see the other bands (most of which contained at least several friends) but I was in a bit of a bad mood and the dude who sang opera whilst playing a wine glass didn't really inspire me to hang out.

December 19, 2005 -- Scenic; Manhattan, NY
Now this was the show of the season. We went on at 1:30am, fully drunk, with Vaz and The Good Good scheduled to play after us. A few songs into our set the barback or whatever comes up and tells us, quitely loudly, that the cops are here because of a noise complaint and we have to stop. We viewed this with a bit of skepticism, as we are an acoustic band and the DJ upstairs was in all likelihood much louder than we were. Kevin informed me later that he had been on a Lenny Bruce kick, which is why he stood up and start screaming obscenities and then sat back down and started playing the drums again. The barback came back up on the stage and knocked the drums onto the ground as everyone else in the room inched closer to the stage in case it came to blows. Kevin Shea is respected in some circles, at least. Kevin screamed a few more things (something about how The Ritz can't be stopped, I cannot recall) and then immediately loaded out his gear and hopped in a cab. The same barback could be overheard saying "Man, that guy doesn't even have his chops." While there are many things that can be said of Kevin Shea, you cannot say that he is a sub-par drummer. Well, you can say it, but it would be a lie. I was told later that it was quite the event to have witnessed, apparently everyone's night was made by watching Kevin completely disintegrate or whatever it was that he did. I still don't really know and I was on stage watching at the time. Ask him next time you see him, if you're curious. We are in all likelihood banned from Scenic now, but since I can't see myself trying to book us there again anytime soon I'm not too worried about it.

January 9, 2006 -- Knitting Factory Old Office; Manhattan, NY
The trilogy is complete, it took us some time but we have now played every floor of the Knitting Factory. I don't think anything particularly memorable occurred, we played really well to a mostly empty house. It took the crowd a little bit to warm up to us, they were applauding not just politely by the end. The woman working the door complimented me on our performance, I think I am still amazed when strangers come up to me and admit that they like my band. I, of course, think we are amazing. I don't necessarily expect others to share my view, of course. If ten people had come to see us then we would have gotten 70% of the ticket price of every person after that who came. Thus, not wanting to embarrass ourselves, we showed ourselves out. Hello, 2006.

cookies crumbling

2005-12-18T16:17:00.000-05:00

greetings earth people -- power to the earth -- citizens unite, be nice to eachother, and don't forget to be didactic during the holdiays because people really appreciate it -- people especially like to be criticized on the holidays. so universally tell everyone you know to be nice, like some cheap form of indoctrination, be a school teacher, this is your chance. now its ok to not be nice when prostheletizing. prosthetic humor for a prosthetic happiness. and also the other day bj and i played a wonderful holiday show at the exit art la supperstore thingy. it was great fun, and we even managed to sell zero cd's once again. so to all of you who didn't buy our cd -- thank you again, we really appreciate it. because if you bought the cd's my mind might be so blown i might die. thank you for not wanting to me to die. actually thank you for not coming to the show either, because if you had actually come to the supperoo event then i would equally have been blown away and i would have equally keeled over, ralphed a little bit, and then died, maybe with one final shutter, laying there frozen on my make-shift bass drum (a wash tub provided by todd p -- maybe todd p knew i might die -- the tub would have served as some sort of sled to drag me out of there). so to the 2 of you who were there seeing our show, shame on you! never come and see us again! we prefer to play to no one! no at all for the rest of our god damn lives!! A-MEN!

monday nov 7th 2005 club exit

2005-11-09T15:38:00.000-05:00

here's a pic from the dumbo arts show set up by dr. todd p (phd in rad shows).
i blacked out bj's face because he was mean to me in bed the other night.

we played club exit recently, on the 2nd stage, but the headlining band took all the money those cheap bastards. it's crazy to think about, but their gurantee was so high no other bands in the vip lounge got paid. shouldn't this be illegal? i didn't realize how much their guarantee was, so i was pissed when all i made was 1 dollar -- actually i took it quite personally! haha! sometimes its hard not to take things personally when you don't have all the information. i just assumed with the amount of people there we would be making a little more than cab fare. but now i know why i only made 1 dollar: because the headlining band took all the $. todd p was surpised by this and tried to get some $ to pay the vip lounge bands, but the main band's managers wouldn't have it. i want to apologize to todd p -- i gave him a hard time, but he batted on our side against these corporate fucks. anecdote, kids: i remember a friend of mine was unknown and opened for sting, all stadium sold-out gigs. sting was making hundreds of thousands, and my friend was making $200 a night. that's called payin' your dues. we here at puttin' on the ritz aren't only paying our dues, we are paying yours as well apparently. don't worry folks, soon puttin' on the ritz will be taking all the $ with our mind-boggling guarantees (ornette coleman is notorious for huge guarantees -- at one point it was 50 million) and when we do, we're taking you with us (exactly where remains to be determined -- but you may want to bring your own soap).

the other night, and a few nights before that

2005-11-03T13:57:00.000-05:00

last night we almost played a show: glasshouse gallery in williamsburg, nov something 2005. i was a block away from the gig, carting my drums to the show after packing them up only minutes earlier, when bj phoned me to tell me not to bother coming because the vibe was mellow at glasshouse -- everyone wanted to go home who was still there, and it was just the bands attending at that point anyway. so i carted my stuff back to sound city where my rehearsal space is (by the way, people -- this isn't exactly a walk in the park or a picnic with your fucking girlfriend -- this shit is heavy and my cart wobbles all over the place, keeps falling over. by the time i have carted the drums around for more than a block the tendons in my hand are stretched to high heaven and thus playing cold creates injuries -- on these occasions when i get home i ice my arms down to keep them from swelling. not to mention these late night cartings are made all the more difficult on poorly lit streets what with poop land mines everywhere. usually i can avoid getting your sad-city-slave dog's poop all over my shoe, but controlling the wheels of my cart is a whole different story. by the way, "a whole different story" is a cliche -- you may notice other cliches in this missive -- i don't care. back to what i was saying: bj doesnt understand what i have to do to get to these gigs -- he simply shows up carrying nothing, and leaves promptly after the gig. after the gig, my night has only just begun).
anyway folks, after not playeg i went to capone's and met jon skateboard who gave me some much needed $ for a 's gig (i don't know what that means -- but perhaps you do you fucking smart fuck) i played there the other day (after which the dude from magnetic fields DJ'd some bad lounge music), this was either in oct or nov, on one of the day's of either of those 2 months. please don't make me look in my schedule book for the details.
on a previous the other night we played a show on the sidewalk. it might have been halloween -- that's the time of year when sportsfan drunks keep me up all night at the bar across the street from my apartment. i was there only minutes before we were supposed to play, showing up in a cab from no malice in manhattan where i had a "played" a previous gig that was running late. at the no malice (east village) gig i played one song or so with a rock/disco band. the set was cut extremely short because they fucked up their timing. playing 2 gigs in one night is not a piece of cake or a picinic with your fukcing boyfriend (do i need to spell things correctly -- you're a fucking smart person -- spell it yourself in your head -- do i have to give everything to you on a silver platter). many e-mails of prep go into these nights, including working out all transport $ in advance. and when i give a range of time i can play to people and they try and push it to the last minute, i cut out exactly when i say i had to leave regardless or whether or not the set is over. do you like my shifting of past and present? yeah? fuck you. so anyway, before i get to the no malice gig i have already packed up my drums and taken a car to the late night puttin on the ritz gig, unloaded my drums there and set them up, and then took the subway to no malice. after the one song no malice set, i rushed to take a subway to the puttin on the ritz gig -- but late nights subways unite against the oity -- i waited and waited and eventually took a fucking cab to the puttin on the ritz gig.
i arrived to the gig about 10minutes before me and bj were going to play -- bj had already pulled my drums out to the sidewalk and was sitting behind them on the drum stool. i payed the lame-ass cab fare (my transport should be free in all parts of the universe) and donned my tie. after halla stopped playing (love it when they stop, folks...) we kicked it off with girl from ipanema. bj was handed a mic with no cord before our set from todd p. we played as real men -- a set of nite time maurauders (do you know how to spell that word -- am i going to look it up...i don't think so). more later folks, this is just a taste. basically puttin on the ritz kicks ass -- we sold a cd, and we didn't have to wear boring costumes in the meantime. i helped todd load out his gear at his space and he helped me with my drums at my practice space, in the interim his van in between a rock and a hard place, or slipperyer than greased owl shit, or cold as a withces tit. a witches tit.
a few nights before that we played a show somewhere i think but i can't remember where or what happened.

dumbo arts fest, or something

2005-10-19T01:30:00.000-04:00

we were first on the 25 band bill. bj had the idea of playing on the street. the mic cord, a well endowed 200 foot love minion, squirted across a mostly empty loading bay. i set up my drums in front of a wall on the sidewalk. a mistake blocking the pa speakers, bj's croons about half a second delay before hitting my ears. but don't worry folks -- i held onto the throttle and motorized the tunes with my manly drum bunny. it was 4:30pm when we started. bj had admirably guzzled 3 16 oz budweisers in less than 20 minutes prior to our "performance." how come no one ever buys our $2 cd's? they're $2 folks. you could lose one of your 5 daily cups of coffee and you'd still live, folks. i'm considering consulting bj about a 25 cent decrease. but keep your pants on folks, this may take some serious negotiating. bartenders are upset when i get a free drink without tipping. do they realize i am making $0? they should tip me for drinking one of their shitty well drinks. i should get a tip for waking up in the morning. CAN YOU RELATE, GERBLE? at some point in the set bj was informed of the mother/infant glaring at us from the 3rd floor window across the street. she looked a little young to have a kid. she might have been a nanny. i like nanny's because they keep things real in the fam. folks: bj sang a compelling version of rainbow connection for the kids watching. dumbo is teaming with strollers. great place to raise your kids. keep up the good work, keep populating the planet, because your child will save the planet. a few things were tossed into my face during the set and not by bj. i like that but not when they are hard objects. does that make sense? this is not the late '70's, people. but i supppose if i was blessed enough to be a puttin' on the ritz audience member (yes you are a team, folks -- be good to your colleagues) i would also gesticulate. i feel bad about almost hitting someone with the drumstick i threw in the air with the hope to catch it. but thats life for you isn't it -- out of nowhere a drumstick falls from the sky right at you. you can move, try to catch it, or get hit on the head by it. can you think of other possibilities? i'll bet you can. i'll bet you $2.

Left Foot Green, etc.

2005-08-06T21:16:00.000-04:00

August 4, 2005 -- Free 103.9, Brooklyn
Mindy asked us to play her radio show, the theme of which was ostensibly toys. Apparently before we played some dudes were interviewed about such things, but I was out back looking at the Williamsburg Bridge and drinking at the time so I was not privy to such things. Kevin and Laura Hannah went to get some food, apparently. Mindy had a bunch of people from Florida staying at her house so she made them all come over and watch us. In between songs we were supposed to be interviewed about toys, but we only had like, 20 minutes to play so we sort of didn't respond to well to the questions. This was the second night in a row that we were playing in a hot room without air conditioning so there was much sweating involved. Since there were 20 people in the room and 10 people listening on the radio, we sort of played more for the humans we could actually see with our own eyes. We debuted "Earth Angel", which I probably fucked up almost as badly as I fucked up "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer", although it is hard to say for sure. Kevin was in top form, apparently. I got a little tired so I was lying on the ground, which Kevin responded to by putting his chair on top of me and playing like that. I'm not sure if you could hear it on the air or not but we were throwing each other and drums around the room quite a bit. We were playing Twister or something during "Fly Me to the Moon", I don't remember the details but I think most of our limbs were tangled up and drumsticks were flying about and someone was singing it but I don't remember whom. I might have been drunk, but I am admitting to nothing. After our set we took some trivia quiz and one, we were the only group to actually get a question correct. If you are curious, the answer was "Husker Du", and Kevin got it, not me. Sigh. Since there was no prize it didn't really matter anyway. I went downstairs after the show and some of my friends were hanging out down there, they heard bodies colliding with the floor and thought that it might have been us but couldn't tell for sure. I suppose we don't make distinct enough sounds, I don't know. If you're lucky I'll see you in the pit or in heaven or somewhere, but remember to bring a drink for me, save the last dance for me.

310.9 Degrees Kelvin, etc.

2005-08-04T10:13:00.000-04:00

August 3, 2005 – Glasshouse, Brooklyn
It was, how do you say, much like a sauna in there. The sweatiest show of my career, maybe. Actually, I cannot remember the entirety of my career right now, but it was certainly up there. We played with Wives, Chinese Stars, Bird Names and Scalpels (Japanther was supposed to play but back out a few days beforehand, and Cheeseburger elected not to play for reasons mostly unknown, possibly because it was too hot and they were too drunk, I’m not really sure). I would like to think that we were in top form, but I was drunk and sweating profusely (I think I might have lost a pound or two), so I might have been hallucinating. Lately Kevin has really been enjoying throwing one or both of his sticks high in the air and then occasionally catching them. By occasionally I mean not very often. By not very often I mean not at all. The vast majority of the people there left the room just as we were about to play, perhaps it was the heat or the fact that they were maybe vaguely aware of the fact that we were playing. It could have been for any number of reasons, I suppose. I am not a mindreader, despite my protestations to the contrary. The temperature of the room dropped a few degrees when they left, so it might have been for the best anyway. I’m not sure that people really felt like they were in Rio when I attempted to tell them all about the Girl from Ipanema, but I did my best to make them believe that they really were in the southern hemisphere. For some unknown reason Kevin started playing the drumbeat to Sunday Bloody Sunday, which is all good and fine but the only words I know to that song are those. So I crooned “Sunday, Bloody Sunday” a few times and then threw in a “Sabbath Bloody Sabbath” for good measure because it seemed like a good idea at the time. I borrowed Chinese Stars’ drums for a few minutes so Kevin and I could solo together, although I’m not sure that it counts as a solo if two people are doing it. Semantics, I know. Regardless, I believe that we played quite well and received a hug or two after the set to that effect. Thank you, my friends. Come to think of it, I would like to thank Stephanie Wakefield for holding my glasses during the set, I’ve broken too many pairs already and it is hard to find a spot that is safe from Kevin Shea, what with the drumsticks and the humans and the microphones flying around, etc. Let’s fall in love!

Confidential to Broke in Brooklyn: Dude.

Natural Log, etc.

2005-07-25T12:30:00.000-04:00

July 20, 2005 – Glasshouse, Brooklyn
Most of my memories of this show involve the room being unbearably hot. Hot! We shared the stage with our friends Nick Flanagan, Bent Outta Shape, Ill Ease, and 50 Million. We decided to use two drum kits again, which might have been ill advised because I was a little dizzy from the alcohol and the heat. Thus, I faired poorly on the drums. But then Sharp got up and played with us for a bit, which was probably fun but I can’t really remember. Most of the people who were there had left by the time we played, probably because it was so hot. Hot! I was sweating and then I rode my bicycle home and went to bed.

July 23, 2005 – Parking Lot in Long Island City, Queens
Todd outdid himself, booking something like 37 (to wit: Matt & Kim, Growing, Eloe Omoe, Parts & Labor, Aa, USAISAMONSTER, Free Blood, Japanther, Afrirampo and Lightning Bolt) bands to play all afternoon and evening. We were part of the second stage contingent, which also included Talibam and Necking.

1st set: We were going to perform around dusk, but then a little after 4pm Todd approached me and said that we had to play now. So, we set up and played in the blazing sun. What was nice was that the 7 train could be seen going behind us, I imagine it was quite scenic but I was facing the other way so I couldn’t really tell. I had drained a few beers in a very short amount of time in an attempt to ready myself for this performance, which may or may not have worked. I believe we played quite well, in fact I think we gave our most spirited performance of Rainbow Connection to date. Much to our surprise, people watched the whole set and didn’t throw too many things at us. I had the foresight to apply plenty of sunscreen before I left the house, which probably aided me in not receiving a terrible sunburn. So yes, we had a blast. Playing outside in the afternoon whilst drinking beer is pretty much always a good time. People kept coming up to me and commending me on our performance, total strangers even! I think Kevin even managed to offend one of them, which might not have been the best idea as we sort of need all the support we can get. Thanks, Kevin.

2nd set: When Todd asked us to play early he said that we could also play late if we wanted. We decided that yes, we wanted. So we played again in the dark, with the 7 train still running behind us and occasionally drowning us out. This time there were a few more projectiles, although I don’t think any of them were really on target. It was nice to get to play live in the round, as there were people forming some sort of circle around us. We usually do not command that sort of audience appreciation, so we did our best to keep them entertained. I was standing on top of a large amplifier but managed not to fall off and hurt myself. I had been drinking for at least five hours straight by that point, which made that no small feat. People made requests which we totally ignored, mostly because they were requesting songs we had played in our first set and we weren’t interested in repeating ourselves. I ripped Kevin from the drums and launched into Fly me to the Moon, and Kevin retaliated by standing on them then kicking them over. Undaunted, I continued playing Kevin and the fallen drums. What fun we had! For some reason we are always surprised when people like us, maybe we’ve been hit in the head with too many beer cans at this point. I cannot tell. After the set some dude from Switzerland by way of Missoula or something like that was gushing to me about how great we were. Then some other dude came up and started harassing me about what the point of our bands is. What is the point of our band? Wouldn’t you like to know! What is the point of any band, what sort of message is any band trying to get across? I know we certainly are not making a living off this and probably will not be any time soon (unless we enter the Twilight Zone, which seems unlikely) so we better be having a good fucking time. It is all about the good time and all that jazz, etc. Actually, I can’t really tell what the point is anymore, I think I might have known once but it has been buried beneath gallons of bourbon and the occasional beer. Well, maybe a few more beers than that, but I think you know what I mean. Alcohol. If we needed an excuse to get drunk I could say that is the reason we play, but I am perfectly capable of getting drunk without being in a band. It certainly hasn’t gotten either of us laid, which is another famous reason for being in a band. In fact, this might be bad for our image (you know these things are very delicate), but Kevin and I have gone from being two bachelors to both having girlfriends so getting laid isn’t really a priority anymore (well, it is still a priority, but there is only one particular woman we are each trying to have sex with). But I don’t think either of us can point to this band as the reason we both found love, which should probably not come as a surprise to any of you. In any event, the answer is, the point of our band is because we love you. I should hope that satisfies your curiosity, etc. Actually, what was I talking about again? Do you know what the cube root of 27 is? I’ll give you a hint: it’s prime. Actually, that one was too easy. Why don’t you tell me what the logarithm of 1000 is? Or rather, tell yourself, because I already know. Toodles!

Mercury, etc.

2005-07-17T22:37:00.000-04:00

On July 16th it was cold and foggy out at the Atlantic Ocean. We were both bummed out. The water did not seem inviting, so Kevin and I sat on the beach and looked out at the sea for a while rather than actually entering it. Our second annual show in the ocean was cancelled due to inclement weather of the soul. I would apologize to all our fans who came out and were disappointed, but as we were sitting by ourselves on the beach at 8pm there is no one to apologize to. Some days the bar eats you, it would appear.

Yours, etc.

2005-07-15T01:52:00.000-04:00

Friends and colleagues, readers and moonlighters -- hello. I owe each and every one of you an apology, it seems like you have all suffered through a long month without a single word of wisdom from us. I have been quite distracted as of late, I must admit. I do not care to share the details, but that is really neither here nor there. I am sure Kevin meant to say hello but he has relegated himself to the stone age for some reason, despite the lateness of the hour he is currently without internet access. He is a wholehearted participant in these discussions but he does not always have the time, time has not always worked in our favor. I know what time it is right now in several parts of the world, but I have long been a fan of mathematics. There is much to discuss, it would seem. We played some shows, etc.

June 27, 2005 -- Glasshouse, Brooklyn
Kevin actually showed up at a resonable hour! You have no idea how impressed I was. We had the sincere pleasure of playing with Birdbrain, Castles, and The Good Good. If you are unfamiliar with any of those bands, they all receive our stamp of approval, for what it's worth. Perhaps you do not look to us for musical recommendations, I have no idea who you look to for guidance. I am not currently in analysis so my grasp of such things is limited. I had decided a few days ago that there was a new song that I wanted to perform. Kevin had never heard it before, so I sang it to him about 15 minutes before we went on. We opened with it. I might have given Kevin some musical direction before we started, but I cannot recall. If I did, I also cannot recall whether he followed it or not. Man it was hot in that room! Kevin admitted to me once that I get him more drunk than any other human on the planet, that he has vomited more as a result of Puttin' On The Ritz shows than any other ailment. Remember that he has a sensitive stomach, my friends. Whilst I might be a bad influence on him occasionally, also keep in mind that I add an element of positivity that might also be lacking from his life. I am making no apologies; we are both grown men and can fend for ourselves. Although the details are a bit hazy I believe we played a good set and even managed to enjoy ourselves. I wish my memory of such things was more reliable, but you might all take heart in the fact that according to my bloodwork my liver is in tip-top shape. Apparently my heritage has disposed me to decomposing alcohol quite well. Thank the lord, or at least I would if I believed in such things. Fortune favors the bold, that is where I put my faith.

July 7, 2005 -- Tommy's Tavern, Brooklyn
For any number of reasons, we had not played at Tommy's in quite some time. Whatever the reasons, we played twice. Quite the international show, apparently. Love of Diagrams were kind enough to visit from Australia (I have a shared history with the drummer going back a number of years. I spoke to Monika before the show, and when she asked me how I'd been I responded "What, in the last six year? Up and down." How would you sum up the last six years of your life? If I had to hazard a guess I would say few of you would respond with "Awesome." Granted, it has been occasionally awesome. The glass is still half full, no matter what you believe. Retconned, Recompas, Hells Hills, and Necking all performed as well, much to our collective delight.

1st set: We played early in the front room and I was not nearly drunk enough. I mentioned being distracted earlier, I think it sort of affected my performance. It was a bit lackluster, I will admit. I do appreciate the fact that Marcy came out, she claims to read this thing extensively but then mostly fails to turn up. I did not expect her to be wearing braces on her teeth, but then again no one expects the Spanish Inquisition. I am glad that we kept it short because it was not quite as sweet as it could have been. I suppose I have always had a hard time faking it, I am a terrible actor and an even worse liar. I am really good at being vague and elusive, but at least you know when I'm being vague and elusive. I hope that is of some small comfort to you. After we finished I continued getting completely smashed, which I am convinced did not hurt our cause.

2nd set: We followed Necking, who set up two drum kits facing each other. Jason had actually suggested that we both play drums, and as I was feeling quite suggestable that evening we did. Casey and Todd were fucking with the effects on my vocals the whole time, which I commented on by exclaiming "My vocal sound weird." Karolina kept threatening to leave as she had to wake up early in the morning but was coaxed into staying by promises (threats?) of greatness. It is my opinion that we delivered, but I may or may not be biased. Kevin was pretty deadpan and refused to be goaded into singing very much, but we did do a pretty tender duet of Fly me to the Moon. At least I think we did. I think we took turns soloing together, if that makes any sense at all. My most vivid memory of the evening remains the taste of the microphone, which I had perhaps inadvisably stuck in my mouth during our grand finale. You may not know this, but it is hard to sing with a microphone in your mouth. Your voice tends to be muffled and it is quite challenging to enunciate. I would claim that we got a standing ovation, but there were no chairs and as I mentioned, the only thing I really remember is the taste of that goddamn microphone.

I am not sure if this is what I intended to write or what you expected to read, but I don't really care all that much. It is late and I'm drunk. In a few short hours I will be waking up for work and other things. This by no means constitutes an apology, we have nothing to be sorry for. Well, very little at any rate. It has been brought to our attention that there is an academic paper of sorts circulating that treats us as one of its subjects, I think it might the first thing I've had written about a band I was in since the Angel Assassins record got reviewed by my friend Charles in Maximum Rock and Roll. For those of you unfamiliar with such things, these events all transpired whilst I was 18 years old. That is to say that it was not recently, the year was 1997. I will not comment on it directly except to say that we have composed a formal rebuttal; it is available for your perusal in the pages of such publications as Candide, Tom Jones, and The Tokyo-Montana Express. Take that as you will, my friends. We remain here for you, as always. We might be tired and distracted but we are not dead. We do, above all, love you.

Yours,
Puttin' On The Ritz

Hot Time, Summer In The City, etc.

2005-06-13T10:08:00.000-04:00

It is now officially summertime in New York (well, I suppose the calendar does actually say it is still spring, but I try not to pay such things all that much mind), which means that it is hot and humid and the beach is the place to be. Well, my apartment is totally climate controlled so that is not a bad place to be either.

June 9, 2005 -- Cake Shop, Manhattan
I arrived slightly late after stopping to see Matt & Kim at a weird gallery opening, but I still caught the tail end of More Teeth's set, which was super fun and great. Whilst The Good Good were setting up I was made aware of the fact that Mike Meyers was in the audience, although I'm still not sure exactly why. I did not speak to him, but if I had, I would have informed him that he made living in South Williamsburg quite difficult as all the young Puerto Rican kids insisted that I resembled Austin Powers, mostly because I wore thick black glasses. I would often have things shouted at me from street corners to that effect, although I was eventually able to tune it out. It became just another one of the sounds of the city. I didn't think he really needed to be bothered with such things, but now that I think of it perhaps turnabout would have been fair play. Although I'm sure the exchange would not have been rewarding at all for either party, it is probably for the best that I gave it a miss. Kevin Shea arrived right on time, approximately 120 seconds after we were supposed to start. Better late than never, I suppose. By the way, have you seen him? I've been trying to telephone him but have had no luck as of late. Anyway, we had not so much as laid eyes on each other in about a month, but that did not stop us from playing a show. We still have not rehearsed in 2005, unless you count drinking bourbon as rehearsing. The jury is still out on that one, apparently. I will admit that while it was a solid performance, I would not rank it among our best. I feel like I know the songs too well now, we've played them so many times that we're starting to play them the same way every time. Perhaps I need to surprise Kevin with some new songs to keep it interesting. That might involve putting down the bottle for a moment, but it might be possible. Just before we were about to begin our last song, they cut the microphone and put on a record. Having been through this many times before, Kevin started playing and I started screaming. It seemed so normal, although it was later admitted to be a mistake on the part of the club. I wasn't upset about it, you just sort of need to move to ramming speed on occasion. I think my impersonation of Kevin on the drums is getting better, or at least I was told as much. Time will tell, as it has told. The persistence of memory is killing me, what does that mean exactly? Kevin left while I was trying to get paid; even though we didn't they were actually really nice about it. I guess we have pretty low expectations in the finance department these days. I just want to make sure Kevin eats once in a while, I really do worry about him. It was his birthday the other day, I hope you wished him a happy one if you happened to see him. I tried, but I was unable to see him as he was not returning my phone calls. I think he had bigger fish to fry and all I can say is that I hope they turned out well. The moral of the story is that no matter what you do it takes the Earth 365 days to revolve around the Sun, even during a leap year it is a constant. Leap years just balance it all out, smooth out all the wrinkles. What would you do if Athena were to spring, fully grown, from your head? I would rejoice, I would rejoice. Please give my regards to Broadway, should you happen to be in the neighborhood. In the meantime I will be sleeping it off, sleeping off the long cold winter. You know what I mean.

Wash That Man Right Out Of My Hair, etc.

2005-06-06T12:08:00.000-04:00

Perhaps you are curious as to why I have taken an extended leave of absence from posting here. Perhaps you accidentally stumbled onto this site searching for information on Taco. For the former, an explanation is to follow; for the latter, you will find little new wave trivia here. Feel free to make yourself a drink and continue reading, all are welcome. The more the merrier, etc. Anyway, you may or may not be aware of the fact that I recently returned from a fortnight in New Zealand. In doing so there were many things I did for the first time, not limited to crossing the Equator and the International Date Line. Latitude and Longitude seem much more relevant when you are speaking of such distances, but I did not have my GPS on hand so I cannot give you the degrees and minutes and seconds to any degree of precision. I apologize for the lapse, but I might have had other things on my mind. In December of my 11th year I found myself walking home from Redwood Intermediate School, excited because it was the first day of winter break. As I was approaching my home, I realized that although at that very moment I had approximately the maximum amount of time remaining in my vacation, that before I knew it, it would be over. It might have been the first time that I was truly aware of the passage of time; this much looked forward to reprieve from the various torments that are junior high was going to be much more short lived than I cared to seriously consider. The problem with being aware of such things is that it makes you tend to watch the clock a bit more than you might otherwise -- provoking a desperate stare down that there really is no hope of winning. Dunbar had some good ideas; if time passes infinitely slow then you become immortal. But what sort of immortality would that be, being bored for eternity? So the question is, how do you have an amazing time and make it last forever? It would seem that there is no answer; Einstein was right about at least one thing, apparently. This is all to say that I would have liked to stay longer, but now I am back in New York and it is summer and I will survive. Kevin and I will pass the time somehow, perhaps we will play shows or perhaps we will simply get drunk and talk about playing shows and getting played on New Zealand radio (true) and whatever else it is we talk about whilst intoxicated. It is all improvisation anyway, we couldn't remember our lines if we tried. We have no understudies, it is our way or the highway. I don't know if this is what you were looking for, but pretty much everything I have ever written has been about time or memory and this is no different. I have also discussed alcohol's effect on our perception of such things, but the point is that we are human just like you, we are not infallible but we do bleed on occasion. Our mistakes are all for you, our blood is all for you. So raise a glass to us, we are still alive and it is glorious; we take advantage of every opportunity because we know life is short and we want to be remembered as heroes and adventurers. But mostly we do it because we have to. We love you, each and every one of you. We do love some more than others, but we are allowed to play favorites because we are not your mother.

It's Cold Outside, etc.

2005-05-09T12:32:00.000-04:00

Greetings from a virtually windowless room in the basement. I have gotten a dearth of sleep recently, I might have clocked in last night at approximately three of your earth hours. It is spring and love is in the air and the world is both larger and smaller than I am capable of fathoming at this exact moment. As soon as I am master of time and space my life will be a lot easier, I think.

May 7, 2005 -- Asterisk, Brooklyn
We went to see People and Stay Fucked, both of whom we missed. In fact, there were several shows we were planning on attending but we managed to miss every single band we wanted to see. Kevin Shea was still in the house, however. We were coincidentally wearing matching shirts as well so it would have been a shame if we did not play a set. As we are friends of the house and the people who set up the show, we were allowed to perform. Much to our surprise not only did people not walk out on us, they were actually entering the room with the intention of watching us play. Weird! No microphone was used due to the fact that there was no public address system in the room. I hadn't taken off my shirt at a show for a while, and it seemed especially fitting as Kevin and I had the same shirt on anyway. So for a spell I could be seen rolling around on the ground, screaming at the top of my lungs, totally shirtless. I might have had a few drinks at some point in the evening, but I could be wrong. After our set some reggae dude made Kevin play the drums with him for a bit while he did his thing, apparently his father was the guy who sang the theme song for Cops which might provide some sort of legitimacy, perhaps. He told me later that he wants us to open for him at some shows, which might be one the best and/or worst ideas I have ever heard in my life. It is nice to be well received every once in a while -- we have feelings too, people. It is not always about being reviled. Actually, it is never about being reviled. It is always about the good times despite appearances. We also got asked to play a surprise (surprise to the people in attendance) show at an art opening sometime in the summer, which I thought was a great idea. We'll play anywhere, anytime, apparently, although that might not actually be the case. We may or may not see you there depending on whether we are in the same room or not and the state of our glasses.

May 8, 2005 -- Prospect Park Peninsula, Brooklyn
I will start with the list of performers (I think this is the order, although I may be forgetting someone). Todd P, Katrina Rudmin, Some dude whose name I didn't get, Zeke Healy, Currituck County, Mike Wexler, This Invitation, Trevor Healy, Joel Saladino, Benji Cossa, Miguel Mendez, Puttin' On The Ritz, Hisham Bharoocha & Andy Macleod, Alice Cohen, Joe Bradley, TK Webb, Necking, two really stoned girls on Necking's drums, and finally Hisham Bharoocha & Andy Macleod on the same drums. Sheesh! In honor of our one year anniversary (check the blog, dude), I decided to set this up. The idea sort of evolved during talks I had with Tianna Kennedy and Todd Patrick and this is what we ended up with -- an acoustic barbeque on the lake in Prospect Park with every person we could think of asking. Much to our surprise everyone said yes. Some more people were supposed to play but either didn't turn up or turned up and left without performing. The show ended around dusk anyway, so it was probably for the best. Regardless, I wholeheartedly believe that this was the show of the season. Stage management went something along the lines of "Who wants to play next?" The weather could have been a little warmer, but when the wind died down it was quite pleasant. The setting could not have been more ideal, talented musicians playing to the backdrop of a lake and trees and spring. I was a little nervous during our set as I'm not really all that used to playing sober. It is a little daunting to be screaming into thin air and running around whilst Kevin is throwing drumsticks in the lake for no reason, etc. We were only going to play three songs, but we were talked into playing an encore. An encore! There was one point when Kevin nearly threw me into the lake, but then I reversed the hold and nearly tossed him in. The problem with either scenario is that I knew if one of us went in, both of us were going in. If he threw me in I would have pulled him in with me. Had I thrown him in I would have simply jumped in after him. I'm sure it looked like it could go either way, and it certainly could have. It is sort of a zen experience in that respect -- we both just clear our minds and let go. I have no idea what is going to happen from one moment to the next; would you try to predict the actions of Kevin? I certainly am not up to the task. I thought we were done after our fourth song, but then Kevin grabbed the floor tom and started chasing me so I started scatting whilst we were running chasing each other about. The set ended with me lying on the ground mumbling and Kevin playing a guitar case. Was it a successful show? You tell me. I would hope so. We are not comedians, but we are pretty fucking hilarious human beings. I would like to add that this day was perfect. Thank you so much to everyone who played and to everyone who came.

I will give you a little heads up. I leave for Auckland, New Zealand on Friday. I will be spending approximately a fortnight there. Whilst I am away there are plans for us to play a show; I will be appearing live via satellite. Check your local listings and I will try to send you some love from the other side of the world. It might be the most important moment in rock and roll history, although in the end it might not even be a footnote. History is written by the victors and we are still fighting the good fight. I have this advice for you -- fuck yeah.

Future Reminiscings, etc.

2005-05-06T13:25:00.000-04:00

May 5, 2005 -- In a car, The Taconic Parkway
Jason Baker, Nick Lesley, Fiona Campbell, and myself made the two hour trek to Bard College in order to witness a Lightning Bolt show. Why, you might ask, would we travel two hours to see a band that plays New York all the time? Well, Fiona Campbell is from Auckland, New Zealand and has never had the opportunity to see them before. That, and it sounded like fun. Shortly before we left I learned that Kevin Shea was going to be there as well, performing with Talibam. There was some talk of Puttin' On The Ritz jumping on the show, but there were already six bands and I didn't feel like playing for a bunch of sweaty college students who were just going to ignore us anyway. I do have some standards, believe it or not. Suffice it to say that we all got quite drunk in some shed by a soccer field (save Jason, as he was driving), which was actually where the show was taking place. Eventually we finally coralled everyone into the car, including Kevin Shea, who required a ride back to Brooklyn. Some more Jagermeister was passed around -- it is not my personal preference, but Fiona enjoys it so that is what we had because Nick and I had already consumed all of our bourbon (purchased at some weird liquor store en route). We realized that we had two bands in the car that didn't really require too much in the way of instrumentation, just drums. Since anything, really, can be a drum and the palms of your hands can occasionally be sticks, it seemed like a good idea to play a show in the car. We couldn't decide who was going to open for whom, Necking or Puttin' On The Ritz. Eventually Necking cancelled, so it was just us. I asked that everyone sit in with us, oddly enough all five people in the car were drummers. So everyone was banging on anything that was about -- the windows, the seats, the steering wheel (Jason even honked the horn a few times), the other people in the car, etc. I, per usual, screamed. I might be the first person in the world to lose his voice from playing a show in an automobile traveling quite rapidly down the Taconic Parkway at 2am. I could be wrong, however. Believe it or not, we actually did a full set. Why not? We had plenty of time to kill and everyone was having fun. Think of it as a private party. Happy Cinco de Mayo, indeed. I have to admit that it was a bit odd playing a show whilst wearing a seat belt, but it seemed prudent as Jason drives really fast. Kevin spent most of the rest of the ride home chatting with persons known or unknown on my telephone (his battery had died), which I quickly came to realize was some sort of love interest. I will not name any names, but suffice it to say that I don't really know any of the details. Any details that I do know will not be shared publicly unless I'm drunk and you ask me. It would probably loosen my tongue even more if you were the one to get me drunk, but I am making no promises. Perhaps I made the whole thing up, perhaps it is time for a nap. Actually, it is definitely time for a nap but that seems highly unlikely at press time. I hope you are well, wherever you are, whoever you might be. I think of you often, just so you know. I might be thinking of you right now. I cannot guarantee that, but:

Somewhere out there,
Beneath the pale blue night,
Someone's thinking of me,
And loving me tonight.
Somewhere out there,
Someone's saying a prayer,
Then we'll find one another,
In that big somewhere out there.

And even though I know how very far apart we are,
It helps to think we might be wishing
On the same bright star,
And when the night will start to sing
A lonesome lullaby,
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the
Same big sky.

Somewhere out there,
If love can see us through,
Then, we'll be together,
Somewhere out there, out where dreams, come true.

String Theory, etc.

2005-04-25T23:53:00.000-04:00

Tonight, for some reason, I decided it would be a good idea to attempt to reconnect with people from the past (I am not referring to ex-girlfriends, because I am not really all that sure what I would say to them and many of them appear to be married), although I am not exactly sure why. Perhaps it is because I like the idea of communicating with people in other time zones, it is a bit like traveling faster than the speed of light. Causality be damned, I would love for someone to hear me say hello before I actually say it. Suffice it to say that I am now communicating with you because I am feeling a little chatty and no one was taking my calls. I am not assuming the worst, and I can also think of much worse things than having a chat with you. I feel like I haven't seen you a little while, so perhaps this is also an attempt to reconnect with past lives or whatever. How are you doing? I appear to be doing quite well, although I will admit to having a few glasses of pisco which I think might just be good for the soul. I have no real proof of this, but that is really neither here nor there. I would connect with Kevin but he is also not taking my calls at the moment. I would like to think that it is because he is getting heavy with some chick that he is really into; it may or may not be happening but I prefer to believe that it is. Do any of you have any good theories regarding quantum gravity? I would super love to hear them. I'm not just making that up, I am actually curious. Feel free to blow my mind, now or later. Do you want to know a secret?

Unfortunately, I Went Home

2005-04-20T18:01:00.000-04:00

I rode my bicycle past the Glasshouse at about 10:45. I stopped, made some telephone calls to speed dials 21 & 22 (They happen to be 21 and 22 for no particular reason. I don't assign the lower numbers to more favored friends; rather, I entered the numbers in my phone as I needed them, and these two friends happened to be the 21st and 22nd people I called.). Then I rode home and looked at shoes on the internet. I could post photos of shoes I'm considering, but I think the PotR blog is text-only. Anyway, I was looking at shoes, because at my place of business, shit is always getting dropped on my feet. Corn and potato chowder, roasted garlic mayonnaise, whatever. I guess that's why food people always wear plain black wipe-offable shoes. Anyway. I went home because I felt like it needed to happen. Like maybe, in this time of transition and perpetual exhaustion, it would help if I just cleaned my fucking room for once. I'm talking about getting rid of superflous objects in my life, winter clothes, random bits of nostalgia, flyers, what have you. Spring cleaning, making sense of the clutter. Instead I ended up compiling a nice little collection of shoes I want, and then borrowing some music from Bryan's computer. The music sharing was made possible by "eChoad," our home's pleasantly named wireless network that references the strip of tissue between one's genitals and anus.

I guess when I see PotR, things make more sense than they do when I'm sitting in my bedroom, surrounded by piles of clothes that I last wore in January. What's under your bed? What's under mine? What's under Kevin's? BJ's? Perhaps you should ask them.

Goodbye for now!

Greetings From Planet Earth, etc.

2005-04-20T09:57:00.000-04:00

April 19, 2005 -- Glasshouse, Brooklyn
We were a last minute addition here, for some reason. Kevin was playing a money gig (read: playing music to help ease the digestion of some diners at a fancy-pants restaurant, or something like that anyway) but made it down to Williamsburg in time for us to jump on this show with USAISAMONSTER, Gang Wizard, Hi-Red Center, and Child Abuse. It made sense at the time, I promise. I told Kevin to come straight down rather than going home and getting drums or sticks or anything, actually. It appeared to me that there would not be enough time, although my neuroses got the better of me this time because he totally would have had time. I am weird about punctuality and we needed to be ready to play as soon as USAISAMONSTER was done. Real or imagined, etc. There were drums set up on stage but we could not discover who they actually belonged to, so Kevin dug up some weird little drums (read: mostly buckets and other bits of detritus) that were lying around and set up on some sort of staircase that didn't really seem to lead much of anywhere. There was a microphone that was failing to actually amplify my voice, so I began screaming at the top of my lungs, struggling to compete with the din of conversation that was wafting through the room. I'm not quite sure if I was successful or not, but that is not really the point. So we played a quick set, which seemed prudent as I'm not exactly sure how many people were actually paying attention. Chris and Jeanie were, and they even appeared to be enjoying themselves. Thank you for that. We closed the set with both of us playing buckets and banisters and me screaming (quite hoarsely, by this point) something about lunar bodies. I cannot recall all of the details. No, that's not true. I can totally recall. Volume might have been an issue but fidelity has never been our strong point, exactly. We do our best, despite the circumstances. I think we do a pretty fucking good job, too. So there, it would seem. We would like to extend a hearty thank you to the bands, thanks again to Todd for letting us play simply because we thought it would be a good idea (the validity of that is still under review, it would seem), and to our friends who stuck around and watched (I'm looking at you Joel, Luke, Paula, Nadav, the people previously mentioned, and anyone else I might be forgetting -- I apologize for not giving you the proper credit), etc. That might not have made a lot of sense, too many parentheticals might spoil the sentence, but that is my way. We here at Puttin' On The Ritz encourage you to revel in the fact that it is spring; get close to a loved one be it your girlfriend, husband, bottle of bourbon, etc. You know what we mean. We will not be cowed by the new pope, mostly because I am a Jew and Kevin is from outer space. Do not be afraid, we are here for you, be you gentile or Yeti or whatever.

Verdant Fields Of Green, etc.

2005-04-16T21:05:00.000-04:00

April 15, 2005 -- Juvie Hall, Manhattan
Our Golden Jubilee! And it could not have been weirder! One Elliott Kalan, co-worker of mine and host of Midnight Kalan, asked us to perform on his comedic talk show. We agreed, not really knowing what we were getting ourselves into as neither of us had ever seen it before. Knowing Elliott from work, I figured it would be obscure and fun. There was a guest before us, whose name totally eludes me because I was drunk when I walked in the door. It is too bad that the audience was not back stage with us during the opening act -- not necessarily because it was not entertaining, but because Kevin and I were wasted and screaming at each other in hushed tones. Kevin really wanted to get laid, apparently. I informed him that there may or may not be attractive, available women in the audience but I would see what I would do. He had told me that he did his research for the show by drinking a bunch of bourbon. I did similar research, it would seem. Apparently whatever we were saying was sort of audible in the front of the house, but I don't really know. I snuck out a window in the back to have a cigarette for a little bit so I wasn't really paying all that much attention. Then, Elliott called us out for the interview portion of the evening. Kevin immediately sat down in his chair and proceeded to say nothing at all. I was wasted, drinking a 40, and being really combatative. What do you expect? For me to politely answer any and all questions? Then pizza came and we played almost 2 songs, during which I think Kevin threw his drums around and I screamed because the microphone did not work very well. Elliott cut us off to ask some more questions, most of which were directed at his first guest because I don't think he really knew what to make of us. Were we in character, or are we really just drunks? Then it all ended and I played a solo version of Fly me to the Moon which I don't think anyone really paid attention to. What are friends for? All things considered, I think we were pretty good guests. Wild and unpredictable while surprisingly articulate. At least I don't think I was slurring too much. I couldn't tell if Elliott agreed, but we did our best and despite the strange format, we had fun. I hope that you like them apples, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other, etc.

2005-04-13T08:25:00.000-04:00

We here at Puttin' On The Ritz are not a bunch of total luddites, although we have been accused of being such. Why, you wonder? Perhaps it is because in general, the level of technology we employ predates fire. Well, that is not entirely true, as I often sing through an amplifier and Kevin's drums contain refined metal. But the spirit is there, we could be banging on wooden drums with animal hides for skins and screaming. We look forward to the day when chips are implanted in our brains and we can be with you, virtually, any time, no matter where you are. Video chatting will seem primitive compared to the technology employed to bring us closer to your hearts. That being said, I somehow found myself at some Italian restaurant in New Jersey last night, not really the first place you would expect to find me. One Uncle Floyd was playing piano and singing, along with a revolving cast of characters. Reputedly he is some sort of cable access hero in New Jersey, a legend if you will. Bad jokes were told, people danced. Somehow Nattles (who orchestrated the whole adventure and claimed it was seven years in the making, despite the fact that I had only found out about it the day before) talked me into singing Fly me to the Moon with Uncle Floyd. I went on to attempt to sing it straight, but at this point I can only hear the song the way we play it so I'm sure Uncle Floyd had a hell of a time keeping up with me. I think it went over well despite my tonal difficulties, although I have to admit that I was actually nervous. Me, nervous! Weird! It would seem that I've gotten quite used to having Kevin there for moral support. I hope he feels the same way, but as I am pretty sure he is still sleeping I'm not going to count on it. Would you wait underwater? I suppose it all depends on what you are waiting for. So until we all become cyborgs, I guess we will have to rely on more traditional means of communication. We are a little bit psychic, but that does not mean that we can read your mind. We will continue to blow it, however. Six of one, a half dozen of the other or whatever. I'm still waiting for the aliens to come take me away, or at the very least faster than light travel to be discovered so you can read this before I even write it. Mere light is not fast enough to convey our sentiments, which might occasionally be mixed (depending on a variety of factors including but not limited to being drunk or asleep) -- but know that we care, even if no one else does. You are not alone, even if you do not have a chip in your brain that allows us to be in constant contact. You are in our thoughts, and we miss you when you are away. Relativity don't mean shit, can you dig? Well, actually, this is all about relativity but I'm not sure this is exactly what Einstein had in mind. So do what you need to do but don't forget the Alamo.

One More Time, etc.

2005-04-10T05:52:00.000-04:00

In case you were curious, we're totally serious. I believe that it is currently dawn and that I am being made painfully aware of the fact that it is a brand new day. Whilst this means that I will, in all likelihood, sleep through the vast majority of it, I am glad that we can have this quiet little moment together. It has been a long night indeed. And I, I took the one less travled by. And it has made all the difference. I am so serious that I am quoting poems that I don't even like. What does this all mean? It means that I need to start going to sleep a little earlier because I don't have curtains and the sun really does wake me up in the morning. It also means that some thing are better left unsaid. Actually, I don't really believe that either. What it really means is that you should, in every possible instance (well, I don't actually advise this), damn the torpedoes. Damn them indeed, ramming speed seems much more appropriate and ill advised but really, at the end of the day, a much better story. I think I might have had you at hello, but as I never actually said that I think this whole series of events might be problematic, what with causality and all. If you could turn the clock back to August 13, 1978, would you? I pick that date arbitrarily as it is my birthday. If you could not only have your sins forgiven, but erased, would you? How far back does the clock need to be turned back before we are innocent again? Do we really miss the innocence? I think I just miss being skinnier and feeling more healthy. But that is neither here nor there. This might all be for the birds, my fine feathered friend. I will allow you to be the judge, as I am obviously in no shape to be. But know this -- it is never all for naught. Even when it is, it isn't. I am trying really hard to be positive right now when all I really want to do is get some sleep. So with that, etc.

Respect Love Of The Heart Over Lust Of The Flesh, etc.

2005-04-05T21:12:00.000-04:00

Today was a pretty amazing day to be alive, from my personal point of view. This is to say that it was not a day to be stuck in a windowless room, which I may or may not have been. I will make no admissions at this juncture. Spring is in the air, my friends. For those of you that are in New York City, I say kudos. Well chosen geographical location. For those of you who cannot be here, I hope that you are also enjoying the coming of the season for loving, etc. I was not paying attention to the degrees Kelvin you might have been experiencing, I do not know how far above absolute zero that you are currently living. Did you know that all motion stops at absolute zero? In other words, electrons stop moving in their shells, neutrons are not decaying into protons (and not emitting an electron in the process, either), and I run out of ways to say I love you. Despite the fact that you cannot know the precise location and velocity of my sentiments, know that they are heartfelt. What this all means is total hearsay and most likely a bit vague. But really, I'm dodging the issue here. The heart of the matter, so to speak, is that Puttin' On The Ritz completely adores you, despite the fact that "on" and "the" probably shouldn't be capitalized but I don't really care. Such trivial matters are not important; we are currently in love. Who are we in love with? I just told you! You! Weren't you listening? We're not even drunk, even if I am working on it right now (Kevin's actual state of inebriation cannot be determined right now as I am not in contact with him). But I know how he feels, and if he were here right now he would probably give you a sloppy kiss or something to that effect. All these 1s and 0s cannot convey the extent of the joy we feel to be in your presence. Really, it is what makes life worth living. If we are lucky, our next conference call will be a little less virtual and we will have some sort of tactile interaction. Next time you see us, make sure to blow kisses instead of throwing beer bottles; the bottles actually really hurt. We are not immune to pain of the body nor of the heart. But we love you despite the fights, despite the pain, despite the grief. We accept you with all your faults, as we certainly have our share. We really mean it. Really.

Small Change, etc.

2005-04-04T17:25:00.000-04:00

April 2, 2005 -- Asterisk, Brooklyn
So somehow we convinced the right people that it would be a good idea for us to play with Lightning Bolt. By the right people I mean, of course, the people who live at Asterisk. By convincing I mean, of course, asking. Everyone I spoke to regarding the show was sort of afraid all hell would be breaking loose, there were probably 1000 people or so at the show the night before and Asterisk doesn't really have that sort of capacity. Luckily, the show wasn't well promoted and it was raining and people were timid. Thus, it was crowded, but not uncomfortably so. Well, perhaps in the back room whilst Lightning Bolt was playing, but not everywhere the whole time. It was nice to see steam wafting out of the room, and people occasionally emerging with their faces bright red, out of breath. I had no illusions of trying to get in, so I stayed in the hallway and help Kevin set up. That way we would be ready to play as soon as they were done, which is exactly what we did. I think most of the people who walked by were so dazed that they didn't even realize there was another band playing, I guess Kevin and I can be unassuming on occasion. I was trying to chat some of them up, but for the most part they just vaguely glanced my way and kept walking towards the exit. We've had plenty of people walk out on us before, I suppose we're just lucky no one tried to start a fist fight with us. I was sort of expecting that. So, we were quite drunk and somehow managed to get through a bunch of songs. Some of our friends stuck around, and some people we didn't know as well. We always enjoy making new friends. We had four compact discs available, 2 of which I gave away, 2 of which person or persons unknown simply walked off with. Alas. The people in the other bands who saw some of our set seemed to enjoy it, but that is generally the case. We get on better with bands than we do with their fans. Which works well for us, because it allows us to continue to play shows that we might not otherwise get to play, due to our apparent lack of draw. But people did come out, and I would like to thank them for it. I apologize for the $12 cover charge, I had no idea it would cost so much. I believe that would make it the most expensive show we have ever played, and probably are likely to play anytime soon. Perhaps we will be asked to play some black tie affair at Lincoln Center sometime in the future, but I will not be waiting underwater, so to speak. As amazing a drummer as Kevin is, and as amazing a singer I am, it would not seem that we are well suited for such an environment. However, should any of you like to book us there, we would definitely consider it. In the meantime, we will continue to bring our ragtag outfit here there and everywhere, even if that only includes three New York City boroughs. Well, mostly Brooklyn. But anyway, everyone involved in the show was very gracious in allowing us to perform, which we genuinely appreciate. Michelle Panache, Lightning Bolt, DMBQ, Drama Queens, Shellshag, and everyone at Asterisk -- gracias. I wish I could recall more specific details from the show, but I managed not to break my glasses again and no one felt compelled to throw anything at us. I actually removed my glasses before playing because I feel like I've had some bad luck with that sort of thing happening as of late. So there is no one crazy or wild thing that really sticks out, I guess even we have shows like that sometimes. I was pretty mad about losing an hour, though. Fucking daylight savings time. I know, I know, I will appreciate the extra light all summer long. But I really could have used that hour this weekend, it would have come in pretty handy. No sense crying over spilt milk, I suppose. My funny valentine, this song is dedicated to all the lovers in this or any other house. It is dedicated to everyone, it is dedicated to you.

On The Power Of Positive Thinking, etc.

2005-03-29T12:59:00.000-05:00

March 28, 2005 -- Trash, Brooklyn
Last night I had all these great and transcendental things I was going to write about the show we had just played. Unfortunately, many of them are lost to history as I was quite drunk and didn't have the energy to actually type them out. In the sober light of morning, the haze has lifted but it also wiped my memory clean; I am now a blank slate, tabula rasa. Well, I do have some recollections. I recollect that I am currently on spring break, and that spring break has turned out to be much different than I had initially imagined. I have somehow been appointed tour manager for The Coolies, which consists of three hooligan girls from New Zealand. How I gained this appointment remains unclear; perhaps it is because I am on spring break and thus have all the time in the world and no real responsibilities. The best part is that I am not even in college anymore. Sunday afternoon I telephoned Anna Barie to see if I could get The Coolies added to our show Monday evening. Anna said that she thought it was a possibility, and that she'd get back to me later about it. She rang back a few hours later to inform me that Knife Skills had just broken up and thus would not be playing the show with us. The Coolies were more than welcome to take their place, apparently. To make matters worse, it might have been pouring rain outside. FACE! opened up, playing to approximately ten of their friends, myself included. We vs. The Shark (from Athens, not Atlanta as I had previously been informed) went on next, and were nice enough to allow certain girls from New Zealand to borrow their gear. Kevin was still nowhere to be seen, and was not answering his telephone either. Nakatomi Plaza followed, although I didn't really watch them as I was trying (and failing) to get in touch with Kevin Shea. The Coolies then went on, and they were fucking great. It is nice when everything works out. Kevin finally rolled in during the last five minutes of their set. We immediately took the stage and went into it. Someone might have brought us beer, although I can't recall exactly who it was. I had really wanted to learn Lime in the Coconut, in honor of spring break. Since I could only manage to remember the chorus, I sang it in the middle of Girl from Ipanema. I neglected to inform Kevin that I would be doing this, but I think he figured it out. Before the show, I had asked Fiona to come up and sing a song with us. She claimed that she would feel uncomfortable singing without a drum kit in front of her. Despite this, I starting screaming about her joining us on stage and she kept screaming back something about me dropping in the standings (I had been in the top five previous to this, although I guess now I have fallen back a few places). There was another casualty last night as well. Somehow I managed to break a second pair of glasses in about two weeks. I don't even know how it happened, it was like they committed suicide or something because they literally broke off my face. Perhaps someone threw a beer can when I wasn't looking and just grazed me -- these things have been known to happen. After the show I went and asked the bartender if there was any money. He almost laughed at me. He held up an o with his fingers and claimed that was how many people had paid to see us. He said that if you can't get ten people to pay to see you in New York you shouldn't bother playing. Perhaps he is right, but perhaps it was pouring rain outside and perhaps he is an asshole. Out of our (literally) tens of fans, several of them actually came out despite the inclement weather. The fact that every single one of them was on someone's guest list should not reflect poorly on us. I only put two people on and they both turned up. They purchased alcohol at the bar. We even made some new fans last night. I think everything is going to be okay, somehow.

Hello, etc.

2005-03-23T11:58:00.000-05:00

How flattered am I to be a guest blogger for Puttin' on the Ritz? Very. While I was firmly instructed to write about relevant topics, there are a few matters I'd like to address first.

Bus Etiquette. Please, when you are exiting the bus, do so from the rear. The front is primarily intended for entry, and exiting there simply creates negative bus flow and general anger. A front exit is acceptable a) late at night, and b) if there are shady characters in the back. A front exit is never acceptable if you are walking all the way from the back, and especially if, when you exit the bus and go wherever you're going, you walk back towards the rear. The latter scenario is the most extreme and horrifying, yet I witness this on a regular basis.

Hitchhiking on Bedford Ave. Opinions? Concerns? I've considered doing this many, many times (e.g. this morning) while waiting for the B61 in the rain (or otherwise inclement weather).

Summer Fashion. Predictions? I plan on purchasing (or making?) a few tube tops and a sundress or two. Oh, and shorts. My line of work won't allow for cute shoes, but that's ok. Headbands will also make their customary appearance.

After receiving a call from BJ (no word from Kevin, of course) about a last-minute PotR appearance at the Glasshouse, I stopped by after a long day of serving the people. I missed their set, but got to hang out with them anyway. Oh my, those two are handsome! Kevin went on and on about the baked tofu, cucumber and red onion sandwiches that I make, and BJ continued to charm everyone in the room. Since I missed the show last night, I'll say a few words about the performance last Saturday at Eat Records. Courtesy of Mr. Mathew Lynch, esq, I screened video footage of this. I am not allowed to post it here, per PotR blog policy. But I must say the show went very well, and I'm glad they accepted my invitation to play (I know they are very busy, and it was possible that they wouldn't be able to make it). There was a point at which BJ, whilst singing, lunged at me and sort of embraced me or something. I may have squealed a little, but it was all in good fun. They were a bit too loud, I guess. We're trying to make a good impression on the landlord and neighbors, so it's important that we don't come off as a bunch of hooligans. Anyway. Thank you. I enjoyed this tremendously. Word to all my peeps.

On Faking The Funk, etc.

2005-03-23T01:08:00.000-05:00

So, check this out. Earlier today I was totally hanging out in this 5 dimensional plane, which is sort of weird because things are perpendicular in ways that would totally blow your mind. I kept falling over and I wasn't even drunk. I was chilling with some natives and they turned me on to some really heavy shit. Stereo doesn't even begin to describe it. Then I made some calls and then Puttin' On The Ritz played.

March 22, 2005 -- Glasshouse, Brooklyn
Apparently Sexy Thoughts was supposed to play, but Kevin thought it would be more satisfying if The Ritz (Shahin kept talking about The Ritz, and I have to admit to being super psyched about being referred to in that manner. Much the same as I dig people calling me The Beej, which people do almost instinctively without even knowing that I super love it. Something about the word the in front of it just makes it transcendental, although I'm not quite sure what is being transcended. Just load up the bong or something and humor me) played instead. Was that tangent too verbose? Just load up the bong and humor me. Whilst you are humoring me, maybe you can riddle me this. Why do people think it is a good idea to throw shit at us when we are playing? I mean, I don't make announcements or anything. I believe my pants currently have banana residue on the crotch. We realized that we don't even need a drum kit anymore; setting up with total garbage is sufficient. The banana was totally Kevin's fault -- he was eating it, putting it in some sort of case (which appeared to be designed for it, although I cannot imagine anyone manufacturing banana cases, despite how lucrative a venture it might be), and tossing it about. Everyone seemed psyched, which is a bit of a rarity for us. I broke character in that I had a smirk on my face, although my character is really only me playing myself in a weird band. If you have any questions, fax them to me and I will make sure to meditate on them for a week before passing out. Actually, I might break that promise. Don't look to me for salvation; I can never be your Richard Nixon. Pass the salt, etc.

My Darling Dear, etc.

2005-03-20T10:27:00.000-05:00

Me: "What's up? You were supposed to be here a half hour ago."
Kevin: "Well, I'm not."
Me: "I can see that. Where are you?"

For some reason, every time we record, we have to play a show as well. I'm not quite sure why. We had a great session; in fact it was our best to date. Thanks are due to Bill Racine, who in addition to being my roommate engineered the shit out of the session. I believe he is available to record your band as well, his rates may or may not be competitive but he is quite skilled, apparently. Listen for yourself. That this all went down in our living room probably helped as well, the vibe was just on, man. Dude, we even overdubbed some backing vocals. We actually overdubbed melodica for christsake. Then we went to visit Casey Block and his cronies at Eat Records.

March 19, 2005 -- Eat Records, Brooklyn
I love riding my bicycle to shows. There is a certain, um, I don't know what about it. Regardless, we were special guests (per usual). That is to say that we played last and not many people realized we were playing. Thus, people starting leaving just before we went on. Alas. We powered through, somehow. Not everyone left, although we have played to virtually empty rooms in the past. Casey brought me a microphone and a busted cord, which meant that I was not amplified. After the first song he told Kevin not to hit his one cymbal so much, as his landlord lives upstairs. Undaunted, we soldiered on. I walked around the room, rolling around on the floor and screaming. When, as is our practice, I informed the audience we were going to take them to outer space, Kevin got behind an organ that someone had used for something and began playing "Earth Angel". We didn't get much farther than the chorus because neither of actually know the rest of the song. During the last song I pushed Kevin out the front door and sang the last few lines, whilst he sat outside and talked to someone on his cellular telephone. For legal reasons I have decided to forget the rest of the evening. Thank you, goodnight.

crapola androids

2005-03-19T02:15:00.000-05:00

the beings of whichc i associate time and genre be that as it may, being that which is belief, vs argument, or you might add sophistry, so we may disassociate ourselves from that which we might otherwise scalimna responsibility for -- the android lovers that came down from outer space. dear bj, i know you know what i am talking about. the android lover bitch who with many opinions ruins arguments . dear people out there we offer you that puttin on the ritz has freedom, we have freedom by the balls, and all we need you to do is pledge $5 and then we be able to keep those balls in the freezer

Rote, etc.

2005-03-12T14:17:00.000-05:00

March 11, 2005 -- Asterisk, Brooklyn
There were some casualties last night. I regret to inform all of you that my glasses, considered by many to be one of my defining features, are now totally busted. Someone threw what I now realize to be a snowball at me, although at the time I couldn't really tell what it was through the drunken haze. Perhaps I did not expect to be pelted with such things indoors. Regardless, I took my glasses off and put the in what seemed like a safe place at the time. We, per usual, had set up in the hallway. There was a table in the corner, and Kevin decided it would be a good idea to set up on top of it. There wasn't room for much, so he was playing a snare and a cymbal. I put my glasses under the snare stand, which in retrospect might not have been the best place for them. Kevin did not even bring his bass drum, mostly because he seems to have misplaced it. How do you lose a fucking bass drum? Kevin Shea, apparently, is capable of things you and I cannot even imagine. Mike Colin brought his over, and even played it with us. It is always nice to have someone sit in with us. We debuted "Unforgettable" last night, despite never having rehearsed it. To be honest, I don't really remember much else about the set. It is not incredible how forgettable it was, although I might have been drunk. I would like to take this opportunity to give a shout out to all our brothers in arms who performed with us last night, as it was a distinct pleasure to share an evening with them. So thank you Diamond Nights (best rock and roll band in town, hands down), Cheeseburger (who are currently partying like it's last week, or something like that), Aa (whom twenty year old girls seem to swoon for, those lucky bastards), Telepathy (who were down a man but came out swinging, nonetheless), Lucky Dragons (Luke was seriously amazing last night, I really wish all of you could have seen him play), and Benji Cossa (we'll play shows with him any day of the week). I spent the rest of the evening stumbling around Asterisk, not being able to see very well and being approached by strange women. All of them seemed really interested in telephone numbers, although I did none of the soliciting. I did get to dance extensively with shirtless dudes, including Ted, for some reason. Todd fell asleep for a bit, and then I called him a car. I walked out at 6am into what seemed like a blizzard, which is probably what it was. I mounted my bicycle and rode home drunk, without my glasses, in the snow. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Well, to be honest, it seemed like a terrible idea at the time. But I needed to get home.

The Bicameral Mind, etc.

2005-03-09T18:24:00.000-05:00

So, as you may have guessed, Kevin and I have many treats and surprises in store for you, our (apparently) rabid fans. Only some of them involve sexual favors, and those need to be paid for, in cash, in advance. That is the way these transactions are usually conducted, right? Regardless, we are attempting to compile some sort of digital video disc. Right now we have a dearth of video footage, which you or maybe your friend or perhaps a total stranger can help us with. I have, I believe, seen a video camera at more than one of our shows. Some of the details, such as which show it was or who was behind the camera, escape me right now. So I repeat, if you, or anyone you know, has any of this footage, please contact us immediately. Well, you can wait a day or whatever, but the sooner the better. We would be willing to take the subway to your residence and/or place of business to acquire said footage. We will even give you a credit, for what it's worth. My email address is available on this very page -- so run, don't walk, etc. In the meantime I will be waiting underwater. No really, I mean it.

Superfluous, etc.

2005-03-03T12:38:00.000-05:00

Welcome to March, comrades. If you are currently in New York City, you know that it is ridiculously cold. Kevin Shea might be aware of this fact, but he is, as we speak, working on his suntan in Los Angeles. If I were there I would be doing the same. We have exchanged a few emails, but I'm not sure if that really constitutes practicing. Since we have not held an official rehearsal yet this year, I am content to act as if emailing or speaking on the telephone is the same thing as honing our craft. I will let you be the judge, as I will probably be too drunk to remember. Perhaps that little artifice is wearing thin, the whole drinking until there's nothing left to drink to sort of thing. If you have any recommendations as to what sort of recreational drugs we should explore in lieu of smashing our livers with unholy amounts of alcohol, I would be more than happy to hear them. Keep in mind that we don't like marijuana nor stimulants. Whilst it might be amusing to watch us melt our brains with LSD, I'm not sure how interested we are in that experience. We could just as easily melt our brains with eurodisco or, say, freon. Perhaps we will stick with what we know, for the time being. Anything else you might have to say would be appreciated, as we appreciate your comments and suggestions. We know you're out there, someone has to be reading this bullshit. Well, I suppose it did not actually emerge, fully grown, from the ass of a bull, but you I think you get my meaning. I'm not going to reduce the number of commas per capita, as I happen to like them, etc. So if that is your suggestion, you can save your breath. Suffice it to say that I just wanted to say hello, and it would be nice if you did the same. Go with God or whatever it is that you do with your free time.

For Those About To Rock, etc.

2005-02-21T12:48:00.000-05:00

We here at Puttin' On The Ritz would like to tip the 40, as it were, to our good friend Hunter S. Thompson. We are truly saddened on this day. If there is a heaven, we assume that you may or may not be in it. We miss you terribly, already. Fare thee well.

Yours in Jesus,
Puttin' On The Ritz

I Know The World's Got Problems, etc.

2005-02-20T12:09:00.000-05:00

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

February 18, 2005 -- 381 Hooper Street, Brooklyn
I'm sure this apartment had some sort of name, but I only saw it briefly and managed to immediately forget it. These things happen. There was this party happening, that Cop On Fire, Battletorn, and HIV+ (perhaps the worst band name of all time [even if it does sort of put HIV in a positive light]) were playing. Todd talked me into meeting him at his club and then going over to the party. Cop On Fire were loading out their gear, and Bret asked me "Is Puttin' On The Ritz playing the party tonight?" I immediately called Kevin and the ink was barely dry on the deal when we arrived at the local discoteque. The show was in the basement and no one knew that we were playing. Since we were playing last, that added up to about 10 people being downstairs when we went on. Then someone unplugged the microphone, a few songs into our set. It seemed to be lacking a certain energy, anyway. So we grabbed a few drums, and set up upstairs and resumed our set. This was apparently much to the surprise (and perhaps even, delight) of the vast majority of the partygoers. The microphone was plugged back in and put in my hand. A speaker materialized from the basement, so I didn't have to shout over the records playing in the other room. People were singing along and not as bummed out as I expected them to be, perhaps they thought that a band materializing out of thin air to bang out some jazz standards was an allright way to spend a few minutes. A nice break from the monotony of trying to make out with each other, perhaps. What was nice was that our audience (and perhaps even, fans) were mostly attractive women. I did not make the obligatory remark regarding our respective dating statuses (single, and, err, single), despite the fact that I would love for Kevin to meet the love of his life at one our shows. He might even settle for the love of his evening, I would think. Unfortunately, not long after our set ended, the police arrived. No cops were set on fire, although everyone was forced to clear out, spoiling our chances to make a futile attempt at groping later in the evening, or whatever it is the kids do these days when they're drunk and feeling amorous. I cannot recall. Kevin disappeared and I did not get to rest my weary head until well after sunrise. All in a night's work, apparently.

Many of your have complained to me in the past that you would like to see Puttin' On The Ritz, but you always find out at the last minute (or several mintues too late) about our "performances". This might be attributed to the fact that we tend not to get too much notice of them, either. So I will announce, here and now, that we are playing at Trash in Williamsburg on 3/28. Mark your calendars now, if you like. Kevin already has. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Aortas, etc.

2005-02-17T14:16:00.000-05:00

Did you all find something old to love about someone new, or something new to love about someone old? I might have, but my judgement may have been impaired at the time.

February 14, 2005 -- St. Marks Church, Manhattan
So Kevin and Ariel and I were standing in front of the Bowery Poetry Club wondering why no one there had heard of us. James Hoff was refusing to answer his phone, apparently because he did not have it on his person. I eventually got in touch with one Laura Coxson, who claimed to have heard that we were playing a show. I informed her that we indeed were, and went on to ask if she knew where our show actually was. She mumbled something about a St. Marks Poetry Project, and then I recalled something about a church and James occasionally putting on events there. So off we went, in the rain, and me with holes in my boots. We arrived in time for the end of a reading, I cannot recall who was reading what, etc. Rebecca Moore then played, and I continued drinking. Then, at long last, we took the stage. People had already put their coats on, and were preparing to leave. They all lingered by the door for the duration of our performance, which was probably more surprising to them than to us, even. So, we put on a show for them. I rolled around extensively. Kevin played someone else's drums extensively. We had such a good time the other night with him singing a song, we decided he should do it again. I decided that I should take my shirt off to play the drums. Kevin sat down at the piano and hammered away at that whilst whispering the vocals into a microphone. People would occasionally try to sing along. They were generally disappointed, as I have been known to change (some would say fuck up) the cadence of the songs. What can you do? I demanded and received some punch mid-set, somewhat gracefully. People looked a little annoyed when I talked about ugly girls being preferable, on occasion, for certain reasons that you might imagine, to pretty ones. I would like to think that everyone had a good laugh, especially when I chastised them for the slightest chuckle. I just wanted to make sure they knew we are most certainly, probably, in all likelihood, not comedians in any way, shape, or form. We're not, really. We might be funny, but we're not telling jokes. Is Kevin the straight man, or am I? These things are hard to discern after a long night of hard drinking. I will let you be the judge, as I mentioned earlier my judgement seems to be impaired. Keep dry, etc.

Whiskey, Wine, and Women, etc.

2005-02-13T15:38:00.000-05:00

I am ridiculously hungover.

February 12, 2005 -- The Llano Estacado, Brooklyn
So, check this out. We played with Bloody Panda, Deerhunter, Child Abuse, Younger, Narchitect, and No Things. That is to say, if you hung out until 3am, you got to see us go completely apeshit, perhaps even more so than usual. Todd decided it would be hilarious to keep bringing us shot after shot after shot after shot, etc. I believe he just brought out the whole bottle of Kentucky Gentleman and handed it to Kevin, who poured most of it all over himself. I had done well all evening in terms of pacing myself, as I knew we would be performing quite late. That all went down the shitter as soon as we started, as I just mentioned. Drums kept getting moved around. Someone offered to be Kevin's valentine, but then was curiously absent by the end of the set. I let Kevin sing "Fly Me To The Moon", whilst I played drums. I think there was a lot of "fly me to fucking moon, bitch", but I could be wrong. I think it went well. Apparently we dropped Kevin off just as Laura Hannah was walking by, and I was screaming "Kiss Me!" or something like that at her. It was news to me when I was informed of this fact. I then spent the next hour or so vomitting, and then Todd and I watched Mr. Show and then I passed out.

Addendum: I have managed to recall a few more events from this, perhaps our most drunk, performance. Jesse Jane was throwing beer cans at my head (and actually connecting with it) for some time, despite my repeatedly running over and trying to tackle her. I could be heard, faintly (as it was not spoken into the microphone), to say "Could you stop that? It really hurts!" The sound of the cans hitting my noggin could be heard all the way in the back of the room, which I think merely illustrates my point. Apparently there is a photograph of me playing drums whilst Kevin is climbing over me (and the kit), with his head upside down, bottle of bourbon in one hand the microphone in the other. Apparently he was trying to pour the bourbon into his mouth whilst trying to get words to come out as well. I have no idea if he was successful or not, the results might be lost to history. Brett and Joel also managed to wrap both of us up in toilet paper, somehow. I'm not sure if it affected our fidelity. More on this story as new revelations are revealed.

Give Our Regards To Broadway, etc.

2005-01-26T10:16:00.000-05:00

Greetings and salutations, etc. We've been sleeping it off, or something to that effect, anyway. We were supposed to play some shows that didn't really happen for one reason or another, but did result in Kevin and myself getting into a bit of a tiff. These things are to be expected, I suppose. Fear not, we have moved on to greener pastures, so to speak. Mainly we resolved to be a little more mellow about the whole thing, which is why there was a little bit of a gap between shows and posts and so on and so forth, etc. This is all to say, what's up.

January 21, 2005 -- The Llano Estacado, Brooklyn
So this was the pre-opening party, as to call it the proper opening party might be a bit of an overstatement. I viewed the bathroom installation, which transpired somewhere between 9 and 10pm. I even helped put up the curtain of sorts, which consisted of hanging a bunch of garbage bags from the ceiling. We were not in the bill. We had not asked to play. Kevin and I had discussed potentially performing, but he had a show in Hell's Kitchen and thus did not want to commit to anything. I also did not care to. Dirty Projectors went on somewhere around 11:30pm, much to the dismay of many, as that is quite a late hour to begin a show. Aa followed, along with Big Bear and Parts and Labor. Around 2am Kevin telephoned to alert me to the fact that he was at his apartment, and that if it wasn't too late we could still play. I asked Todd, and it was on, apparently. We set up in front of the stage and asked BJ Warshaw to announce us after Parts and Labor finished. A crowd of approximately 50 or so people were there, maybe. It was 3am and my vision might have been impaired. It was a more casual set, as we had not really planned on playing. That is to say that I didn't bring any ties and Kevin ruined the only one he owns when we played in the ocean. I also had not brought any lyrics, so we had an empty music stand sitting in front of us that may or may not have been knocked over several times by myself or one of our comrades. The floor was filthy and slippery, so I was sliding around and falling over and doing my best to have a good time and/or put on a good show. I think some people walked out on us, but that might have been simply because it was so late. I refuse to accept that they left because they were displeased. Well, maybe. The microphone would occasionally stop carrying my voice through the speakers, and thus I was forced to scream at the top of my lungs. Quite draining, really. In between every song Mr. Roy Styles would scream "One more!" Nice. Not a bad way to end an evening; not a bad way to start the year. I hope that wherever you were, whatever you were doing, you were well. Especially if you were actually there. Goodnight, Gracie.

Julius Caesar, etc.

2005-01-02T21:40:00.000-05:00

Occasionally when a television show or a newspaper columnist or whatever is taking a week off, they will air or print a "classic" episode (also known as a rerun). Since you can read everything that has ever been printed here, I thought I'd do something a little different. New shows will be airing soon, but in the meantime, sit back, drink some whiskey (or your alcoholic beverage of choice, although I still recommend whiskey), and do whatever it is you do whilst reading your computer screen.

March 15, 2067 -- Shea Stadium, Queens
It is always nice to play a local show, it seems like we're always playing various backwaters of the solar system these days. The money is good, but I miss my friends. Plus, I get to take my jetpack to the show, my preferred method of travel. Membership does have its privileges, whatever that means. Anyway, Kevin just finished recovering from some extensive plastic surgery (we insist on looking our best, so he got some liposuction, a nosejob, and a penile implant [for the ladies, we do love the ladies]), so it has been a little while since we've played. The hometown crowd was, as always, the best. Chris Fuller, after spending the last 63 years claiming he was going to see us play (and failing to do so every single time), finally turned up. I made sure he got shitty seats, as it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. It sort of made me nostalgic for the days when we got really wasted for our shows, Kevin and I made pretty righteous asses of ourselves quite a bit in those days. But, I mean, after going through rehab and whatnot, you sort of have to keep sober. Plus, I am pregnant again, after all. Anyway, if you weren't there, you probably watched it on television, so I'm not going to recount our setlist or how killer we were. I'm getting a little older now and playing for four hours straight is getting a little tiresome, but people just can't seem to get enough. I guess when you're president of the galaxy, people watch your band. I don't know, I've been president for so long that I can barely remember what it was like when we played places like Tommy's Tavern. Plus, we were pretty wasted, remember? Anyway, I'm not really sure what the point is of this blog anymore, everything we do is pretty well documented so I'm not sure what more I have to say about it. I know everyone wants to hear it from the horse's mouth, but I don't even write the damn things anymore. Right now I'm lying down and being fed the occasional grape by one of my many mistresses whilst dictating to an intern. I mean, it just doesn't have the same sense of immediacy anymore. I still can't tell if I sold out or not. I mean, was I ever really all that innocent, all that pure? I fell from grace long before this band ever started, for better or worse. What more is there to say? Are we just going through the motions? I mean, we're still the finest band in the land, but does it matter anymore? What happened to our passion, our humanity? Is there any reason to beware the Ides of March, anymore?

Hugs And Kisses, etc.

2005-01-01T16:11:00.000-05:00

Happy new year, my friends. If you are not our friend, happy new year anyway. I'm not going to get uptight about it. I sincerely apologize to all our fans that we were unable to play a show last night, we would have loved to. Kevin Shea decided that it would be in his best interests to be in Memphis, Tennessee, apparently. I have little to no control over the man; he is, essentially, a loose cannon. I will admit to hitting the bottle a bit last night, as I'm sure many of you did as well. It was amateur night, which I typically try to steer clear of (who really wants to play open mics? Not I, not I), but I could not resist celebrating. 2004 was a good year for us, as you might very well know if you keep yourself updated with this thing. 2005 promises to be even better, more ridiculous, more crazed, more nude. Well, maybe not more nude. Time will tell with that one. Just keep your eyes peeled, it will be hard to miss us. We plan on being everywhere, doing everything, all the fucking time. There will be no stopping us, so to speak. If you don't like it, tough. It is not for you to enjoy, it is for you to endure. Hugs and kisses from the POTR HQ, etc.

Crack You'll Take The Lead, etc.

2004-12-21T11:19:00.000-05:00

Hear ye, hear ye. Or something like that. I know it has been a bit cold, but we've been busy warming the spirits with some pretty killer performances of your favorite, timeless, Christmas carols.

December 18, 2004 -- 904 Bedford Avenue 6A, Brooklyn
Well, that address actually corresponds to my home. For the lucky few who managed to turn up, we performed in what normally functions as my kitchen and living room. I was a little disappointed that more people did not come, but I was pretty psyched about the people that did. We played what was perhaps our longest set of all time. Actually, no perhaps. It was our longest set ever, and it might be the longest set we ever play. Who knows what the future holds? Rock stardom? Drug addiction? Girlfriends? It remains unclear, as of press time. In any event, Kevin showed up with Tianna and Jolie and a snare drum. He quickly requisitioned the use of my roommate's conga or whatever kind of drum it is (that was reputedly used on a grammy award winning record, although I cannot seem to recall which one) and we went to town. We have a bunch of weird musical instruments lying about, so people kept picking shit up and playing along with us. I believe there was even a brief cameo made by a french horn, but I could be wrong. We played some Christmas songs, then some of our nightclub bit. People kept screaming for more songs of the holiday variety, so we kept them coming. I think Todd put a cymbal on his head for a bit, I've seen humans used for many things outside their nominal purpose, but I don't think I'd ever witnessed a human cymbal stand. It was a night of many firsts, maybe. Kevin even got to sing a number, but I'm not sure even he knew what it was. It was nice playing in the comfort of my own home, I highly recommend it. One of the added bonuses was that the crowd was not terribly hostile, which was a nice change of pace. This is not to say that we generally play to universally hostile audiences, but there is usually an element of that. So we got a break from people wanting to beat us up. We put out six copies of our Christmas album which were all quickly snatched up by our adoring fans, if you can call them that. As soon as we finished everyone left save myself and my roommate, both being residents. Bill put on a Love and Rockets record and then threw up all over our bathroom. I made some rice and beans and then passed out, only to be awoken the next morning by a crushing hangover.

December 20, 2004 -- Tommy's Tavern, Brooklyn
We played with The Weeds and Hope and Anchor. Quiet time stuff, which we fit in with by sort of being acoustic. Maybe. We played first and last, because playing multiple sets makes sense, somehow.

1st set: When we started playing there were three people in the room. This is the back room, mind you, where we had never actually played before. We've played at Tommy's many, many times, but never back there. A few more people drifted in, and by the end of the set there were three people watching us, as they all drifted out again. We weren't what they were expecting, apparently. I love playing "Jingle Bells" so much, I don't know why. Maybe it is because the song has a ridiculous number of verses than no one really knows about, it is like they're some really well kept secret. We try to let that secret out as much as possible, although I think we are limited by the fact that not that many people tend to watch us very closely. It doesn't matter. I'm still rolling around on the ground and screaming, and Kevin is still going apeshit or whatever it is he does on the drums. Todd brought us, like, three shots each during our set. I think everyone in the room was impressed with our ability to drink, which is one of our strong suits. I decided before the set that Kevin was going to sing "Frosty the Snowman". He was a little rattled when I started playing the drumbeat for "We Will Rock You", but he made it through the song mostly unscathed. The set ended with Kevin carrying me around the room, upside down, while I was trying to inform people that despite appearances, we had CDs available.

2nd set: Right before we went on, I realized Kevin was drunk. I realized this because he kept making up fake gangs that were going to beat us up if we played. Why he did this, I have no real idea. Kevin Shea is an enigma even to himself, I think, sometimes. We set up in the front room, where we feel a bit more comfortable. We dispensed with the holiday charm in favor of screaming the hits, if you can call them that. Well, they were hits for someone, anyway. We did attempt to take people down to Brazil (that is to say, we performed our glorious interpretation of "Girl From Ipanema", which Kevin seemed confused about for a second), where it is summertime and not so fucking cold. So cold! Monday Night Football was distracting a few members of the audience, and one dude got tossed out for being too drunk by another drunken woman. People were cheering, and then we sang a song about preferring ugly women to attractive ones. What that means, exactly, I forget. I will say that there was not a dry eye in the house for our moving rendition of "Rainbow Connection", although my own eyes were closed for most of it so I can't really say for sure. Where were you, on that cold winter night? If you are not Stephanie Wakefield, Alice Cohen, Mollie Lauffer, or Todd Patrick, then I either don't really know you or you weren't there. Well, Bridget (last name omitted because I don't know it) was working the door and seemed to enjoy herself as well, I suppose. Tommy was floating around, somewhere. I never change names to protect the innocent or the guilty, what sort of protection are you looking for from us? We're a bunch of lunatics! Take that, evildoers!

Brown Moles, etc.

2004-12-11T05:09:00.000-05:00

December 10, 2004 -- Free 103.9, Brooklyn
Warren and I rolled over to see the closing party of something I don't really know all the details about. I do know that Tianna was mostly responsible for it, and she is leaving town shortly. I wanted to pay my respects, so to speak. I worry about Tianna sometimes, and I want to make sure she feels loved. Apparently Kevin feels similarly, as he showed up completely independently, and quite drunk to boot. He started screaming about how we were going to play a set. It didn't sound like the worst idea I'd ever heard, so I agreed. The only thing in the room resembling a drum was a pot. It wasn't even a very big pot. We were going to start playing when we were informed by the DJ that he had to play a Boston song first. As soon as the song started I realized that I had some serious business to attend to. Thus, as the song came to an end (and we were to begin playing), I found myself taking a pretty serious shit. Kevin was yelling into the mic about how I should turn up, and I was yelling back at him through the door that I was sort of in the middle of something. I tried to get him to bring a microphone into the bathroom so I could sing whilst I was, well, expelling waste. He did not seem to understand, so he continued rambling until someone put another song on. I knew I had to make some sort of grand entrance, and moreover I wasn't wearing our usual uniform. So I quickly washed my hands and removed my shirt before running up to the front of the room and grabbing the microphone. I announced that this was to be the best Puttin' On The Ritz set ever, and did my best to make it so. It certainly was the least planned set, and that is sort of saying quite a bit. Kevin was playing a small pot with his hands and I was screaming and rolling around with my shirt off. Please note that we opened with "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer", despite the fact that it is Hannukah. About 75% of the people who might have watched us had wandered away whilst I was indisposed. What do we care? It's not like we were getting paid or were even asked to play. So we played two songs and decided to call it a night, or so we thought. Laura and Hannah were downstairs for our abbreviated set, and when they came back in they demanded that we play another one. We consented, although I left my shirt on for number two this time. I did make sure to become tangled up with Hannah on the floor whilst screaming "But Not For Me", as it seemed like a good idea at the time. She kept trying to stand up, although I can't say I was that interested in letting her. We quickly segued into "Strangers in the Night", which left me without much of a voice because I apparently screamed extensively. Alas. We five then went downstairs to continue drinking and discuss classic literature and Kevin's love life. I wore a funny scarf and Hannah complained about our fake failing marriage. Kevin tried to be serious but was too drunk to really be convincing. I was, of course, as charming as always. Don't you forget it, bitch.

I am so fucking tired right now. If you examine the hour at which this was posted, you might see why. It has been some sort of long, strange trip, or something to that effect anyway. It is well after 5am. Do you know where Kevin Shea is? I hope someone does, as there is still work to be done. Err, yeah.

What's So Amazing That Keeps Us Stargazing, etc.

2004-12-05T04:33:00.000-05:00

Today has been quite full, boys and girls. I'm still in that mode, a little bit.

December 4, 2004 -- Tank Annex, Manhattan
So we play La Suprette, this big (well, not as big as it sounds) cheap art bazaar sort of deal. We played ridiculously early, for us anyway. A full twelve hours before we are used to performing, in fact. So there was a dearth of drinking, which we are not entirely used to. As the whole event was advertised as being kid friendly, we played a set the consisted entirely of childrens songs and christmas tunes. We are playing christmas tunes all of this month, after all. Kevin was really into the idea, and who I am to argue with genius? Kevin, of course, turned up at the last possible second. The high art dance troupe was getting uptight with us, as they were scheduled to go on at 2:30pm on the dot and could not deal with any possible delays; they were not at all concerned with certain drummers forgetting their wallets at home and thus turning up later than they were supposed to. We were allowed to perform, and were in fact allowed to play more songs than we intially intended. I guess our songs aren't actually all that long, despite the fact that jingle bells has far more verses than you could possibly imagine. The kids seemed a bit perplexed, but didn't seem to be having a bad time. The parents especially seemed to enjoy it, as it was a set that was friendly to children of all ages. I only wish that I knew the songs a bit better, you'd be surprised how little of these songs you know beside the chorus, and we only had one practice to get it straight. Towards the end of the set Todd comes up to me and whispers "You know you're playing for Bjork right now, right?" So the first show we ever played for anyone famous was early in the afternoon and consisted of songs we didn't know very well, tis the season or otherwise. We were not daunted, and I didn't even inform Kevin of the fact until later. He very quickly embellished the story, apparently. Bjork will be sitting in with us before you know it. Here is how I see the exchange:

"Hey. We're in this band that you totally dig already. How would you feel about sitting in with us? We can't pay you or anything, and we need, like, two rehearsals. We can maybe split subway fare or something with you, if you need it."
"Cool. I've been wanting to play at Tommy's Tavern at 2am super bad, so that sounds great."

That wasn't really how it went. I don't think she walked over and watched us at all, but she couldn't help but hear us. We would be less excited if we were used to pop stars being at our shows, but that really hasn't happened so much. We don't get a lot of press. But we do have fun. I tried dancing with one of the little girls up front during one of our songs and apparently scared the shit out of her. She wasn't quite ready for it, I suppose. She seemed to warm up a bit when I was rolling around on the ground, reputedly she was even laughing. I'm that easily amused, as well. Todd talked us into doing one of our regular tunes, which I introduced as being a part of our regular nightclub act, like we are professionals or something. I mean, we are pretty good at what we do, but being professional implies that you make some amount of money off it. We have not so far, according to my accounting anyway. In fact, Puttin' On The Ritz still owes me $15. But I had the great pleasure of getting to sing Rainbow Connection, which might be my favorite song right now. It seemed to go over well with children and parents alike. You can't really fuck with Kermit the Frog, methinks.

After our set we went and recorded our christmas album. It is totally killer. It will not be widely available, so get in touch if you want one. Happy Christmas from Puttin' On The Ritz, indeed. Sleep well, my friends.

Apologies And Salutations, etc.

2004-12-01T11:32:00.000-05:00

I am quite tired, my friends. This often happens the morning after a show. Perhaps I should take it easy on the sauce and the stress, but I suppose that should go without saying.

November 30, 2004 -- Trash, Brooklyn
Well, it was supposed to be at Tommy's Tavern. Cop on Fire made it through their set, but then Kylesa went on and the cops turned up. They said if they came back, they were going to seize everyone's gear. Todd made a phone call, and the show was quickly moved to Trash. Somehow, about 75% off the attendees made the move, although several Puttin' On The Ritz fans abandoned ship. A few more did turn up later, however. I managed to make a bit of an ass of myself. Why do I always stress out so much about our shows? It would appear that I am stressing out about having a good time. It is easy to be rational about these things after the fact, but much more problematic when it is all happening live and in person. I snapped at Kevin Shea and Sophie Churchill, but I think it was because they caught me right in the height of my hysteria. I sincerely apologize to them and anyone else my brief bad mood might have incovenienced. I managed to calm down, somehow. Of course, it wasn't until after I had failed to enjoy myself because I was so worried about everything being perfect, when in fact part of our charm is that we often fail to even approach perfection. We work with what we have. So, we waited for Cheeseburger, Kylesa, and Big Business to play before we began our set. This was somewhere in the neighborhood of 2am or so, give or take a few minutes because I had been drinking. We played in the front room, but somehow it was not nearly as friendly as the front room at Tommy's. Maybe it was because the owner didn't like us so much, whereas all the Tommy's employees do. To prove just how much he disliked us, he kept the music playing throughout our entire set, going so far as to actually turning up the volume towards the end. What did we do? We soldiered on, even taking a request (we took two for the night, I guess our modus operandi of not taking requests has been forgotten), lengthening our set for the believers. It was a bit intimidating, playing so late for a mostly uninterested crowd, but what can you do? I looked out and saw Kristy and Joe and Joel and Tianna and probably some other people and they all looked pretty stoked, they all had smiles on their faces. For some reason, the people who really love us (and we love you too, believe you me) enjoy our sets more when the atmosphere is a bit hostile. Joel remarked that he always feels like he is going to have to get in a fight with someone whilst we are playing, that they are going to get so pissed off at us that it will come to blows. His words were, I believe, "What, you got a problem with 'It Had To Be You'?" Before we began our set, some dudes were about to rack up a game of pool. The pool table was conveniently located some inches from where we were performing. I tried to tell the dude that he might want to wait until after we finished to play his game, and then he started telling me to be cool and asked why a young gentleman like himself was not entitled to a healthy game of pool. I informed him that he could do whatever he wanted, but that his game would probably be interrupted. At one point I started rolling around on the table and knocking their balls all out of place, and I think he eventually got the point. As soon as our set ended they set the balls back up, and calmly began a new game. He was warned, wasn't he? Hadn't he ever heard of us before? This is what we do! But we are not all about bragging and moxie. We are humble men, mostly. Well, I am neurotic, mostly. Kevin is on another planet, mostly. We occasionally meet at The Hub, as that is where good friends meet, after all. Be afraid, be very afraid, or something to that effect. More on that later, etc.

A little note to all of you out there who choose to read this. Hello. That is not the note, however. The note is that I occasionally go back and edit posts. You may or may not have noticed this, I cannot tell. I like reading over them once some time has passed, and sometimes I will remember some details that I had forgotten, or find a mispelled word, or a grammatical error. If I feel like it, I might fix it. That is to say, the text might change from time to time. I feel no shame in this, as I am trying to compile an historical record here. It is not about sentiment, it is about sex (although there has been a dearth of that), drugs (well, alcohol in large quantities anyway), and rock and roll (if you can consider jazz standards rock and roll, which we may or may not do). Then again, maybe it is about sentiment. I can't really tell anymore. Suffice it to say that we are slightly out of our heads, one way or another, a good deal of the time. You can make of that as you will, my dear and gentle readers. Do not read too deeply into things, or else.

Special thanks for this show go out to Sophie Churchill, for trying to calm me down; Paula Zaslavsky, for actually calming me down; and Todd P for letting me use his car and his mic and just generally helping us out, as he has extensively throughout our career. Without him, we would have played nowhere near our now staggering 35 shows nor would we be enjoying our current level of success (if you can call it that). So I guess you can say Todd gets extra special thanks, if you want. It doesn't really matter that much to me what you want to call it, but if it means that much to you, go ahead. Thank you to all our friends who came to Tommy's even if they didn't make it to Trash; thank you to all our friends who came to Trash even if they couldn't stay until we played; and to all of you who stayed, a hug and a kiss from the member of your choice, should you so choose. Use of tongue is discretionary on the part of Kevin or myself. To those of you who didn't make it at all, we still love you, although we'd like to see you making a bit more effort. Simply reading the blog is a poor substitute for seeing Kevin and I in the flesh; you miss out on all the things I'm forgetting and/or lying about. I'm not quite sure what award I just accepted, but I hope it sounded heartfelt. Thank you, goodnight.

Seasons Greetings, etc.

2004-11-29T10:32:00.000-05:00

Greetings, my friends. It is good to see you again, I think. We've had some fun, and I hope you have as well.

November 20, 2004 -- Asterisk, Brooklyn
It seems that some of the details have escaped me about this show, as it has been over a week since we played it and I did have a fair amount to drink that night. I attempted to do some writing whilst still at the show, but the internet was working intermittently. In any event, I do recall that it was my sincere pleasure to perform with Warbler, who were visiting from San Francisco and featured Kristy, whom I had not seen in four years or so. Fantastic, my friends. Seek them out, if you can. Our friends Diamond Nights (formerly Diamonds, having had to change their name due to legal problems) also made playing a blast. Our set was a bit of a mess, but super fun nonetheless. We set up in the hallway, although when I was moving a couch I put a slight ding in the wall (sorry, guys). Our friend Kim had asked if she could sit in with us, and we agreed. Our one practice went well, but as usual, the circumstances of the show dictated that our performance varied quite widely from that rehearsal. First of all, Kevin broke his mic on the way to the show. They had one mic at the space that we could plug into his amp, but the other one had to run through the PA. Thus, you could hear me loud and clear everywhere in the room (in fact, the entirety of Asterisk) except for the actual place I was standing. This led to me alost literally screaming my guts out in an effort to be heard. I say almost literally because altough I came very close to throwing up after the set, I managed not to. My head was throbbing with pain as well. The other problem was that Kim didn't know the lyrics too well and it was quite dark, meaning that she could not read them on the music stand. So not being able to hear me meant she couldn't just sing along, and not being able to read the lyrics meant she didn't know what to sing anyway. Instead, she spent much of the set screaming obscenities, such as "Put your penis in my vagina!", over and over again. Good times, indeed. I'm not sure what sort of impression we made, but we did manage to have a good time, somehow. Kim was wearing a bright yellow dress, which I'm sure did not detract from the proceedings. She left immediately after our performance, claiming embaressment as her chief reason. I found this out upon speaking to her the next day, as I did not get to say goodbye. I was outside trying not to vomit at the time. Somehow I ended up there, drinking heavily, until 530am, at which point I unwisely rode my bicycle home. I did manage to make it home safe.

November 28, 2004 -- Knitting Factory Main Space, Manhattan
There was some confusion as to whether we were actually going to play or not, but Todd sorted it all out. We found out that we were playing for sure somewhere around 5pm, We were supposed to play second, but Cop on Fire decided that they'd rather not play after us, and as we were borrowing their drums we felt obliged to make the switch. What are we, egotists? Well, yes. But playing first or second or whatever is not really that big of a deal to us. So, I quickly changed into my suit, as I found this out about ten minutes before we had to play. I was especially excited because my good friends Hawk and Emilie were visiting from San Francisco, and I wanted them to see us. We played to about ten or so people, it was hard to tell. We certainly made the most of it, however. Kevin was doing all sorts of drummer tricks (twirling his sticks, throwing them in the air, etc.), and I was rolling around on the ground, per usual. Some dudes on the balcony kept asking us if we were serious (heckling us, so to speak), to which I replied "We mean every word we say", and Kevin started playing the drums with the microphone stand, which was threaded between his legs. He also kept telling them to come and get it, or something to that effect anyway. When one of the sticks got out of his control and came my way, I grabbed it and threw it at the hi-hat, actually managing to hit it in time. I tackled Kevin and started playing the drums at some point, and then he tackled me right back and took over again. All of this without a missed beat, or at least missing enough beats so that it was still on time. One of the bartenders decided we needed a martini, and brought one to me mid-set without me asking. I responded "This may be the best thing that's ever happened at a Puttin' On The Ritz show." People have brought us drinks without asking before, but never martinis. Thank you, Alexis. The set ended with Kevin and I whispering "bop", and then I knocked over the music stand (which had nothing on it because I couldn't find our lyrics), dropped the mic, and walked out. It was shortly before 9pm and I was quite drunk. Big Business and Kylesa also performed, for the record. Big Business were good, even. I was a huge Karp fan, and it does feature members of Karp, so what can you do?

There were lots of other things I was going to write, but they are eluding me at the moment and I need a shower. Just assume that they were witty, or something to that effect. I hope all is well.

I'll Drink To That, etc.

2004-11-15T20:12:00.000-05:00

I've gotten several angry letters regarding the fact that nothing has been posted here as of late. My response, obviously, was that Kevin Shea was off galavanting in the Orient and thus we were sort of on hiatus. Taking a break, as it were. Considering the number of shows we've played in the last six months, I think that's pretty fair. He had a good time, if you're wondering. We did have a reunion of sorts on Saturday evening, however.

November 13, 2004 -- Office Ops, Brooklyn
This show was booked quite some time ago, and then I proceeded to hear nothing at all about it until I saw a listing on Tuesday. I noticed that Tunnel Of Love, Breaker! Breaker!, Pterodactyl, La Otracina, and Puttin' On The Ritz were playing on Saturday. Since we were listed (much to my surprise), I figured we had a show to play, despite the fact that I had not seen or spoken to Kevin for almost three weeks. We were seriously considering just giving the show a miss, since we hadn't practiced and I wanted to have some new songs for the next show we played. After some soul searching, I realized that it would be bad form to cancel the show. It is a dangerous precedent, to be frank I've never cancelled a show in my entire life. Not a one. I wasn't about to start here. We turned up to a mostly empty house, and played to one as well. Kevin and I can play to each other and still have fun, so we did. No really, we really did have fun playing. I think sometimes we turn in better sets when no one is around then when we're playing to a full house. Go figure. We were told we were getting a twelve pack and then were handed five beers. I suppose that wasn't too big of a deal, since Kevin wasn't going to drink and I seriously doubt that I needed twelve beers to myself. I gave one to Kyle and drank the other four. Kevin got some money for us and we cut out pretty much right after we played. I felt a little guilty about that, as I know people in some of the other bands. They all admitted to me that they had seriously considered cancelling the show as well, but went through with it because they felt obligated to. I found out it was Todd's (the dude who booked the show) birthday, so I felt relieved that we hadn't bailed. He's been wanting to see us for a while and we would have been total assholes to not play for him on his birthday. While we might be assholes on occasion, we are most certainly not total assholes, despite our best efforts. I went to the show at Mighty Robot and then found myself riding around extensively whilst drunk in the cold quite late in the evening. I watched the sun come up from my new apartment and then passed out.

Someone commented to me recently that "Puttin' On The Ritz is not the sort of band that's going to get you laid." I wish I could remember who it was, as it does seem pretty true. I wonder why that is? Alas, apparently. On a vaguely related note, I think the main misconception people have about us is that we are performance artists. What does that mean, exactly? Are we eating shit on stage or vomiting on our friends or something? We have never gone completely nude, even if I have removed my blouse once or twice. We do play music, remember? I think we do it quite well, even. We are many things to many people. We are romantics, we are punk rockers; we are gentlemen, we are jazz theorists; we are enthusiasts, we are disco dancers. We firmly believe that it is time for another drink, no matter what time it might be.

The End Of An Era, etc.

2004-10-21T13:17:00.000-04:00

I apologize for the dearth of posts as of late, I'm sure there is some sort of good reason. There has not been a dearth of shows for us however, which I will currently attempt to update you on.

October 15, 2004 -- Free Radio Dumbo, Brooklyn
Tianna set up some sort of cockamamie microtransmitter for a pirate radio station that you could only hear in Dumbo, and only then if you happened to be standing in the right spot. Someone standing in front of the radio station itself was unable to tune it in, but supposedly other human beings could listen to it, if they wanted. We were asked to play and, as is our custom, we did. Kevin and I emerged from the subway a little disoriented, but we eventually found our way down to where the magic was happening. It was a large storefront, which had been painted by a bunch of hooligans, apparently. There was a party ending next door so we grabbed some people and forced them to enter a small room and watch us perform. Kevin had a snare a small cymbal. I was singing into a microphone, but the speakers were in another room. The original fifteen people quickly dwindled to two, and then one when Tianna went to the bathroom. So we were playing our hearts out to Suzie, who was holding a video camera. I was assured that it was actually running, but it is difficult to tell with these things sometimes. Regardless, we played a hell of a set, and we had fun doing it too. I think the small space and the intimacy of the performance was a bit too much for people's hearts; we most definitely succeeded in making them feel uncomfortable. After the show Kevin went on to make out with Suzie, despite his protestations. I assumed that they had intercourse as well but apparently Suzie was in his apartment for not five minutes before calling a car and retiring for the evening. I walked home and ate a sandwich.

October 17, 2004 -- Tommy's Tavern, Brooklyn
After many trials and tribulations, the lineup was finally resolved. Let me start out by saying that every band that played was fantastic. Lion Fever, in particular, were phenomenal, totally killer. We even managed to have a good time, believe it or not. I noted that all of the bands had to stick around and watch us because I had their money. It elicited a few titters, if memory serves me. There was of course the usual rolling around on the pool table and that sort of thing, we wouldn't want anyone to go home disappointed. There were exactly two bummers about this show, however. The first was that Joe from the Fugue kept pulling his penis out whilst they were playing. My shouts of "put it away!" went unheeded. The second was that the singer for Bellmer Dolls insisted on being a total primadonna dick. He was raving about how he just had to have a soundcheck (quite unsual for a band playing Tommy's), he complained about the club, the PA, the room, the people there, the pay, etc. I will note here that his band got paid $30 while The Fugue, the DJ, and Puttin' On The Ritz got approximately $0. This is not to disparage the entire band, as Dan and Anthony are very sweet, kind, killer dudes. Their band is actually quite good as well, but that fact is totally hindered by the singer acting like a spoiled brat if things don't go exactly his way. Despite these things, the show was super fun (in fact, Jennifer said it was the most fun Lion Fever show all tour), everyone there seemed to be enjoying themselves, and the touring bands got some (not a lot, but some) money. So there.

October 18, 2004 -- Knitting Factory Tap Bar, Manhattan
Brendan called me at 8:00pm to let me know that we were playing at 9:45pm. I busted ass down there after work, just in time to catch the first Touchdown show in who knows how long. Then, we got our chance to go nuts. I quickly downed a few drinks before we went on to help me get in the mood. You know how it is. There were people there, but for the most part they looked uninterested. We did have Brendan sitting right up front, rocking out the whole time. Since we played mostly because we wanted him to see us, we felt like our mission was accomplished. He later told me that we were the best band, like in, the best. The Barr, 1999, and Bobby Birdman trio or whatever got up next and totally brought the good times. 14k brought it on back down to close it out whilst I was sitting in the backstage area (a first for Puttin' On The Ritz) drinking beer I'd snuck in. We even got paid, which was a welcome change of pace. After the show Kevin and I took the train home, and we were discussing the show that night and the one before. Kevin gets bummed out about the money situation sometimes, which is understandable. I realized that something had been bothering me about the show on Sunday, but I couldn't quite figure out what is was. Then it dawned on me. A grand total of one friend of mine came to the show, and I had only called him a few hours before it started. Of the hundreds of people I had told about the show, and the many who claimed they were going to come, one turned up. I have no expectations of people coming out on even a semi-regular basis, but it would have been nice if a few people had turned up. It was just a bit of a bummer, that's all. I was entertaining friends from out of town after all, and I wanted them to have a good time. I found out later why at least some of them didn't come out.

October 20, 2004 -- Tommy's Tavern, Brooklyn
Prologue: We played not one, not two, but three sets. First, middle, and last. Kevin was feeling unwell, but he popped a bunch of cold medication and played through the pain. Apparently everyone was planning on coming to this show, which is why they didn't come on Sunday. I mean, we did play with Sleepy Doug Shaw, Blood On The Wall, Silver (who are apparently enormous in Norway), Vietnam (who just moved to rural Pennsylvania, for some reason), and Cheeseburger. Everyone gave stellar performances, and the place was packed. Brad and I congratulated each other on setting up a successful show.

1st set: We went on at 9:12pm, and there were approximately ten people in the bar. I kept saying "ladies and gentlemen," but amended it to "lady and gentlemen," as there was only one woman in the room. It was a bit more subdued, as we were sober and it was early. That is not to say that we did not try. We always try. We're not overly concerned with the sheer numbers, we play to whoever is actually in the room. We still, and always will, love you. People began filing in whilst we were performing, although I'm not sure that they were either ready for or understanding of the mayhem that was transpiring before their own eyes.

2nd set: We started our second set just after Silver finished. Well, it was a few moments after because Kevin decided that was the exact time he had to go pee. Regardless, this was our largest and least interested crowd of the evening. Sure, there were all sorts of people carrying on conversations and watching the baseball game, but not many paying attention to me standing on the pool table and chairs precariously placed on top of tables and screaming. People were sitting on the pool table trying to speak to each other so I jumped on it and rolled around next to them for a bit. Awesome.

3rd set: I don't even remember what time we went on. We got through a few songs, and people actually seemed to be enjoying it, much to our surprise. After what was to be the end of our set, people were hooting and hollering about something, but I couldn't really tell what. I decided that it would be a good time to play another ballad. People started throwing things at us and booing, so I informed them that if they wanted to throw anything, they should throw money. Then the barrage of change began. Since people were reacting so well, I decided to play another ballad. My funny valentine, indeed. People started grabbing the drums, knocking over the amp, unplugging the mic, etc. Debbie almost beat some girl up. I certainly shoved some people around. That was the funny part -- there were people attacking us and people defending us whilst we were singing about how silly love can be sometimes. Then someone finally unscrewed the mic and I thought it was broken and that was it. I later discovered it wasn't, which was good because at that point I was out for blood. You can fuck with us a little bit if you want, that's all in good fun and in the spirit of what we do. But you can't acutally intentionally break our shit or try to hurt us. There's nothing fun about that.

Epilpgue: I was informed by another person that we are their favorite band in New York. We were also told that we have a reputation, and that we are in fact notorious. What all this means, I am unsure. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that we played three sets that night, which doesn't seem out of character for us. I can say that no other band even approaches what we're doing right now, for better or worse. I suppose I'll let history be the judge, as I like to do so often.

So there you have it. We won't be playing for a little while because Kevin is going to Taiwan for some jazz thing and then is playing a solo set in Tokyo. Whatever. I will say that we are curious as to whom reads this thing, and what you might think about it. I honestly have no idea what sort of site traffic we're getting. So post a comment, send me an email, or fucking come to one of our shows and let us demonstrate how it is properly done. That will be all, I believe.

The Tower Of Babel, etc.

2004-10-07T20:24:00.000-04:00

This translation is courtesy of babelfish.altavista.com. It is unclear why all the characters are not being translated, but I suppose that is the way of these things. I do like that the article doesn't really seem to be about us at all. It is about Kevin being a crazy man. That, for the record, is absolutely true. Without further ado, here is what a Japanese dude had to say about us (as mentioned a few days ago):

SEXY THOUGHTS & PUTTING ON THE RITZ
Hitting the outrageous drum with storm & stress and copic light solo of る man KEVIN SHEA, it hits the drum with that style and the り which is sown the demonstration 3 of SEXY THOUGHTS which you talk romantic love talks, concerning the relation of the girl "CD from this person arrives at dlc. You can laugh in any case and it is dangerous! Way you can buy with next few days dlc and nat, the stripe shank.And that another band PUTTING ON THE RITZ which relates! This is strange rather, is. Link of video being to paste, by all means check!

Kevin release has done does also the り even from crouton of jon mueller of pele and on the October latter half the schedule which participates in Taiwan ジャズフェス. You see even in Japan and don't you think? the れれ it is highest.If storm & stress and coptic light the person you have heard perhaps, it is understood, is, but this person it is outrageous, it is with to an air the て.

Sexy Thoughts is Kevin's solo project, if you didn't know. Ta Ta!

Feel Free, etc.

2004-10-05T13:24:00.000-04:00

I will skip the pleasantries and simply get down to business.

October 2, 2004 -- Asterisk, Brooklyn
We neither asked nor were asked to play this show; we were merely informed that we would be performing. I arrived quite late so it is unclear how the other bands performed. My friend Sophie was celebrating her birthday, so I was getting drunk at a karaoke bar (warming up, as it were) and was unable to put in an appearance until 1:30am or so. Kevin was in rare form when I walked in, ranting and raving about how he had already played and lambasting me for bailing on certain activities that were transpiring at the party. Nevertheless, I turned up; I always turn up. You can probably well imagine what sort of show we put on, that is to say neither of us were quite in our right mind. Another thing I would like to mention is that this was our silver jubilee, our 25th show. I remember rolling around on the ground a lot and heckling the hecklers. It might be better said that I kept falling off the stage onto the ground and then proceeded to roll around once I was down there. Kevin kept trying to tell jokes in between songs but I don't think they made a whole lot of sense. The set ended with Kevin and I both playing the drums, one stick and one hand a piece, and his ridiculously tall (and hairy) friend Joe rapping (!) over the resulting ill beats. For some reason, I continued to drink more beer after the show, which might very well have been a mistake. My night ended when I got home, vomited, and watched Casualties of War, starring my good friend Michael J. Fox.

Puttin' On The Ritz HQ has been buzzing with rumors of Japanese tours, performances at brothels, and probably other things I've forgotten about. So far, these are all just rumors, but we sincerely hope that there will be some truth to them, someday. We did get a little press, however. If you speak Japanese, please tell me what this says:

http://blog.livedoor.jp/dotlinecircle/archives/7189554.html

Also, I thought it would be fun to create a myspace page for us. I'm still not sure if the fun has started yet, but as always, I'll let history be the judge. The upside is that it features some rough mixes of our latest recording, takes and tracks mostly picked at random. To listen, send us fan and/or hate mail, or simply ogle our hot bods, take a gander at:

http://www.myspace.com/puttinontheritz

Thank you all for your continued support, and we look forward to seeing you soon. Feel free to buy one or both of us a drink or ten.

The Revolution Will Occasionally Be Televised, etc.

2004-09-23T19:39:00.000-04:00

For those of you have been unwilling or unable to witness a proper Puttin' On The Ritz show, here is a link to a short clip of a few performances, filmed and assembled by one David Ahuja. He is a good friends of ours, so treat him well. There is much mayhem to come as well, so consider yourself warned.

http://www.amoebalabs.com/dev//mtv2/movs/potr.html

In other news, etc.

Is There A Doctor In The House, etc.

2004-09-19T13:22:00.000-04:00

Why yes hello, faithful readers. I know you’ve been waiting quite some time for this (perhaps for normal bands, it seems like a pretty acceptable amount of time), but you better believe we finally performed again. It was certainly not for an unseemly number of people, god forbid we have a large audience. Every time we’ve played for a large number of people the larger members threatened to kick our ass. As Kevin and I are not all that well built, perhaps it is better that we play in front of people who do not desire to do us bodily harm. Regardless, we actually did play another show.

September 16, 2004 -- Tommy’s Tavern, Brooklyn
I don’t even care to recall the details at this point. I’m still drunk, apparently. Arctic Universe ruled. Vaz ruled. Kevin forgot the $10 I gave him for a car at home, so somehow that made him even more tardy than he normally is. I was more than a little dismayed, but then we played. Somehow, we killed. I am still amazed at how we are regularly able to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat, when it seems like we are quite adept at doing the reverse, individually. I’ve been told that being in a band is supposed to increase the amount of action you get by at least 30%, but I will freely admit to not having had sexual intercourse one single time since Puttin’ On The Ritz began. You do the math. Maybe we suck, but I doubt it. I wholeheartedly believe that we continue to be the best band in the universe. We certainly proved it this evening by managing to not completely fuck up our new song, which might very well be a first. I know that I took the opportunity to sing quite directly to some of our audience members, whether they liked it or not. If you bother to stick around for us, you are sort of taking fate into your own hands. If memory serves me, I might have even wanted to kiss one of them, but I’m not saying whom. You can figure that one out for yourselves, if you have a slide rule handy or something. I’m sure whoever it was, wherever they are, knows. We here at Puttin’ On The Ritz love all of you, but I’m tired of having to tell you so. I would think that you could figure it out for yourselves by this point. Moreover, despite popular opinion, I am not Puttin’ On The Ritz. I don’t perform for quarters or without Kevin Shea. So stop asking me for advice and/or sympathy. Life really is hard for everyone, believe it or not. Lord knows the trouble I’ve seen, etc. If you want another anecdote you can ask, I’m sick of giving them away for free. I’ve already paid my dues, I’m ready to pay my rent. Thank you, goodnight.

PS Will I be quizzed on this later? Do we get to use our notes? Are you, the reader, really going to answer any of my questions? My sources say no, but I’m holding out for a reply that I actually want to hear. So it goes, etc.

Addendum: Upon examining this, illuminated by the sober light of morning, I realized that there are a few things I would like to comment on. First, to clarify (or more likely, obscure) the issue of the audience member that I wanted to kiss. Do not feel left out if you were not present, as there are other people I would like to kiss as well. That seems to be a common theme for Puttin’ On The Ritz; we are constantly adding to the list of women we would like to kiss, would like to kiss again, would like to continue to kiss (were there anyone we were currently kissing). This is not to diminish my particular instincts on that particular evening, either. What all this means, I am not exactly sure. I will let you, the reader, sort that one out. Secondly, also on the topic of women, despite the fact that Kevin and I are both single and not really enjoying much in the way of female comforts these days, this is not a call to arms in any sense. There is no real desperation -- we are not looking for pity or to get randomly sexed up by our rabid fans. Well, maybe Kevin is, I can’t speak for him but in my experience it seems like he might actually enjoy that sort of thing. So ladies, I suppose you can feel free to sex him up if you like. He’s certainly willing. My sexual desires and interests and hang-ups are far too intricate and/or complicated and I don’t really care to share them with you right now. Later, perhaps. Until then or next time or whenever, godspeed.

Hemlines, etc.

2004-09-10T02:43:00.000-04:00

We have a habit of remembering the failures more vividly than the successes, I’ve found. Perhaps remembering is not the word I’m looking for here. It might be better said that we dwell more on our demonstrations of incompetence, on our ill chosen words and/or actions, on our inability to grasp the moment. We are human, after all. Well, I am assuming that the reader is human, as there are currently no other literate species that I am aware of. Should you, in the far or even near future, be something other than human, hello. I would assume that you are less than perfect, as well. We certainly try our best, despite appearances. I digress, but only in the spirit of optimism. Perhaps this seems amusing, as so far there has been little of that displayed. I make no apologies. There are many things I am sorry for, but the fusing of two logically opposed registers has never been one of them. I will not be getting into the things I am sorry for, as I could write a book about the mistakes I’ve made. I should hope you can too. Where was I going with this again? It seems to have eluded me. Fear not, my friends. Enlightenment is at hand. Somewhere, over the rainbow, etc.

Chuck Dukowski, etc.

2004-08-31T12:00:00.000-04:00

Editor's Note: This was written under the influence of extreme exhaustion. Some minor changes have been made in terms of grammar and spelling (although perfection is far from guaranteed), but the general spirit and intention was left untouched. The opinions expressed here reflect those of the author and maybe a few of his friends or something like that. Actually, it doesn’t really matter and I didn't really edit it either.

I'm not sure what to believe anymore. This weekend was a tremendously long one, although I will admit I didn't spend any of in jail, unlike a few of our compatriots. Regardless, there are a few things we here at Puttin' On The Ritz have complete and utter faith in. We believe in having as much fun as possible. We fully believe that Jesus Christ may or may not have been our Lord and Savior, but to be honest we don't really think about it. We believe in throwing a bunch of shit on the wall and seeing what sticks. This weekend we threw a pretty good amount of shit on the wall, although it still remains to be seen what stuck.

August 27, 2004 -- Eat Records, Brooklyn
We thought we were going to play at like 9:30pm. We played a little before 11:00. Casey Block led us in with some sort of melodica solo, and then we started fucking around or whatever. We tried to turn in a low key set, what with whispering and quiet drums, but it is amazingly difficult for us to do that. It's weird to play shows at night sober somehow, it just doesn't feel the same. People seemed to like it, but it didn't feel like our best performance. There were maybe 10 people there (including us), but luckily for us the records store is a bit cramped so it didn't seem that empty. Not the best start for our tour, but I suppose it could have been worse. I might be forgetting something, but I'm a little hungover from the weekend so leave me alone.

August 27, 2004 -- Tommy's Tavern, Brooklyn
Kevin drank too much Wild Turkey 101 at Eat Records, so he was passing out by 12:30. We went on somewhere around 2. We got chastised for trying not to play last, but usurp a DJ set instead. All the employees and regulars at Tommy's love us, so playing there is always fun. Debbie brought her video camera, because she thinks her mother would really like us and she's a little too old to be hanging out at bars until all hours of the morning. She told me that after we're famous, she's going to use the video to prove that she knew us early on. I told her that no matter how popular our band is, we will always play at Tommy's Tavern. I think she might be more optimistic than us about the extent of our popular appeal. I suppose time will tell, but in the meantime I will not be holding my breath. We did play two encores, a new record.

August 28, 2004 -- Basement of 248 McKibbin Street 1J, Brooklyn
Again, we played last. We always have to play last. Shows always run late. We never get paid. Despite all these things, we had fun. Zeke was great, Fucking Lion was much younger than I expected, and I missed Fakers but I can't remember why. We went crazy and people were trying (rather poorly, I think) to heckle us. Yelling "Fuck You!" at a band isn't really as insulting or funny as people tend to think. Perhaps it would be better said that the people yelling such things find themselves much more amusing than they might actually be. But to be fair, I think I did ask for some sort of audience response, so it was all in good fun. It was quite hot in the basement and there were a bunch of other parties happening in a few of the neighboring lofts (it is sort of like a college dormitory there sometimes), so if you were there you got treated to a second set, just because we love you.

August 28, 2004 -- Garage of 248 McKibbin Street, Brooklyn
We took a snare and the music stand outside and went for it. The only difficult thing about playing unamplified is that it is not quite as easy to make clever asides, as they sort of have to be yelled and it's not quite as casual at I would like it to seem. Regardless, we got a bunch of people to come over and watch, and they all actually seemed to like it. I might need to get my jacket dry cleaned, as I've been rolling around on too many dirty floors, including the concrete one of this garage. The cops came shortly after our set and started cracking the whip on people drinking outside. Kevin was worried about getting arrested so we hurried his equipment into a car and got him out of there. I had to tell him three times that I wasn't going with him because my bicycle wouldn't fit in the car. When I finally got around to leaving the party, someone asked me if I was going to be allright getting home. I simply said "What difference does it make?" and rode off into the night.

August 29, 2004 -- Lyric Lounge, Brooklyn
Todd brought a bunch of vegan bbq goodies, which was nice. What wasn't so nice is that all the bands essentially played to each other. Luckily, we were all friends and whatnot, so we all actually watched each other and it ended up being fun. It was such a nice day outside, anyway. We played rather early, as Kevin had rehearsal at 6. We finished at 5:30, but Kevin didn't leave until 5:57 because he couldn't get enough vegan hot dogs. Kevin operates on his own schedule, I suppose. We were lucky to play with Zeke Healy, Benji Cossa, and Parenthetical Girls (who killed, by the way). Actually, everyone killed. I'm sorry you weren't there.

August 29,2004 -- The Tank, Manhattan
This was operating as some sort of post RNC protest party, or something like that anyway. Tianna was a little jumpy from having spent 30 hours in jail, which I suppose is understandable. We got Parenthetical Girls on the show as well, which was nice because their friends the Infernal Noise Brigade were playing as well (who were fucking great in a crazy, fucked up, marching band sort of way. It was intense, at least), unbeknownst to all of us. Somehow Tianna ended up sitting in with us again, which was a surprise to us all, somehow. Not an unpleasant one, of course. I think Kevin was using my shoe as a drum for a bit, he might have used my beer can as well. I was lying on Kevin's lap whilst he was playing the drums and I thought he kept playing my stomach (which hurt, by the way), but it turned out it was Tianna whacking me with her bow. Her pickup broke, which I gave her hell for because it seemed like the right thing to do. We're supposed to antagonize each other. I ended up talking a lot during this set, even more than usual. I think quite a bit of it may have been garbage, but I was so bold as to declare "Are we protesting yet? Have we started? If so, I have a list of grievances against Kevin Shea..."

There you have it. Our tour of New York City, six shows in approximately 48 hours. Fuck I'm tired. I feel like this band is starting to take over my life. I need at least three days to not even think about it, but I'm probably not going to get it. Alas. I will say that without telling you, we were holding a contest this weekend. The winner was the person who was at the most shows. Can you guess who that was? That's right, Zeke Healy! I mean, he was performing at several at them, but he actually watched three of our six sets, which he didn't have to do. For his generous contribution, he wins a free copy of all of our releases (whether he wants them or not) for life! He also gets an all expenses paid trip for two to a show of his choice! Well, what that really means is that we'll put him +1 on the list for any show he wants, but he has to make his own way there. Thank you, goodnight.

Erratum: People have been telling me that my comment about the overly aggressive girl at the Asterisk show was a bit cruel. I will admit that perhaps I exaggerated for effect, we here at Puttin' On The Ritz cannot be nice to everyone, all the time. We're cynics and bastards on occasion as well. Please take note, however, of what I actually said. I did not call her ugly. I did not say she was obese (which she wasn't). I said she was unattractive, with ridiculously thrown in because it seemed like a good idea at the time. I was not at all attracted to her at first, and then when she repeatedly tried to make out with me and got overly aggressive I became ridiculously not attracted to her. I think that's fair. People don't get better looking when they're making you feel uncomfortable. So I'm sorry if you were offended or think I'm a jerk, but that's what happened. I'm sure you all think my apology is heartfelt, and I'm sure now everyone is back to thinking I'm a nice guy. I'm not convinced that things work that way, and I'm sure this little erratum is having the opposite effect I intended. Oh well. What are intentions worth these days, anyway? What is my motivation? Where's lunch?

Radio Free Tribeca, etc.

2004-08-26T20:04:00.000-04:00

So last night I was sitting at work, getting ready to close up and go home. Kevin Shea telephones at 8:45pm to alert me that rather than rehearsing, we will be performing for Tianna Kennedy and her cohorts somewhere in Tribeca.

August 25, 2004 -- 40 Worth Street, Manhattan
I arrive to discover that while there will be all of several people in the room whilst we are playing, the reality is that we are playing the inaugural broadcast of the August Sound Coalition, who are streaming news about all the people trying to stick it to the man here in New York City whilst the Grand Old Party is in town. I know we're not all that politically motivated, but we do love to fuck shit up. Kevin turned up with the drum he used in the ocean; I turned up with a 40 and a 22. It was unfortunately the first informal Puttin' On The Ritz set, as neither of us had the opportunity to acquire suits or ties before the performance. Oh well, I suppose no one in radioland could see us anyway. I did my best to speak to all the listeners, despite that in all likelihood the only people listening were sitting in the room with us. We performed a new song, "Strangers In The Night", despite not really having practiced it. I think it went well, regardless. Tianna cut us off after five songs, but we decided we weren't done yet so we went into the other room and continued playing. The first song just for Tianna, but the second we actually stuck our heads out the window and played for the entire city. I was too busy making eyes at the skyscrapers to notice a few peoples' lights being turned on, most likely because I was screaming out the window with only a drum for accompaniment and they had previous to that been sleeping soundly. Alas. Tianna apologized for shutting us down, but then went on to say that they were planning to rebroadcast our performance when people were actually listening. Are we famous yet?

I have a call to arms for all you Puttin' On The Ritz fans out there. You see, my recollection of our performances is often a bit hazy due to the large amounts of alcohol I tend to consume at such events. Perhaps yours is a bit less hazy. If so (actually, it doesn't really matter one way or another, as long as you have at least a vague memory of the show), please feel free to post a comment about it, preferably under the entry that it pertains to. This is to further enhance the depth and sophistication of this blog, although I'm not actually sure how much being sophisticated is all that pertinent or even desired. Regardless, I hope to hear from you soon, you my dearest friends and acquaintances and perhaps even total strangers. Hugs and kisses, godspeed, whatever.

Psychotropic Explorations, etc.

2004-08-23T20:01:00.000-04:00

Last night is a bit of a blur, but I'm going to do my best. Please bear with me, etc.

August 22, 2004 -- Asterisk, Brooklyn
If memory serves me, I had a ridiculous amount to drink. It would seem that Kevin did as well, although I doubt that he was doing absinthe shots. Alas. Kevin telephoned me at 11:30 (we were supposed to go on at 11:00) to inform me that I had neglected to call and give him directions. Thus, he arrived 45 minutes later already having hit the sauce a bit at his previous gig. We were supposed to play outside on the patio, but as we were setting up one of the residents notified us that it was a bad idea, at least as far as the dwelling was concerned. So we set up in the back room, where the DJs were trying to get people to dance and weird dudes were rapping poorly. When we were finally ready to play, some dude playing a sampler told us that he had just started his set and we would have to wait. We had no interest in waiting, we'd already waited long enough, thank you. Thus, we found ourselves playing in the hallway again. It was a little more successful this time, as there were less people walking around and unplugging the microphone. The one hitch was that someone had stolen all of my lyrics, but I surprised myself by knowing all the words to seven songs. I did demand that they be returned to me, or I would punch the perpetrator in the nuts or the tits, depending on the gender. It was very, very hot. Apparently people were a little nonplussed when they had to step over me rolling around on the ground to get to back room and/or outside. People kept handing me beer, I didn't even have to demand it as I am so prone to doing. It appeared to be a total success. Kevin and I even did a duet of sorts (although I can't really remember what song it was); that is to say that I was standing on top of my amp on top of a table and kept leaning down to and sticking the microphone in his face so he could scream some obscenity. Some ridiculously unattractive girl kept trying to make out with me, but I declined. Her response was to shove me around whilst we were playing and then grab my balls. She sure showed me. We got offered a show at some lame Manhattan club, but we accepted as it sounded like a good idea at the time and we might actually get paid for once. That is always the dream, isn't it?

We're trying to set up a tour of New York City this weekend. We only have one show confirmed, but we're going to try to play as many as humanly possible. We might even get arrested, god willing.

Puttin'-On-The-Ritz-Endorsed Standard

2004-08-17T11:55:00.000-04:00

Where Or When

Lyrics by: Lorenz Hart. Music by: Richard Rodgers. From the Show: Babes In Arms (1937).

When you're awake, the things you think Come from the dream you dream. Thought has wings, and lots of things Are seldom what they seem. Sometimes you think you've lived before All that you live today. Things you do come back to you As though they knew the way -- Oh the tricks your mind can play.

It seems we stood and talked like this before. We looked at each other in the same way then. But I can’t remember where or when. The clothes you’re wearing are the clothes you wore. The smile you are smiling you were smiling then. But I can’t remember where or when. Some things that happen for the first time Seem to be happening again. And so it seems that we have met before, And laughed before, and loved before. But who knows where or when.

If Wishes Were Horses, etc.

2004-08-14T13:05:00.000-04:00

It’s that time again, kids. We’ve been busy, and we hope that you’ve been busying yourself with all sorts of good times as well. We will be performing again on August 22 at Asterisk, and August 28 somewhere in Williamsburg, although I cannot recall quite where or with whom.

August 13, 2004 -- Free 103.9, Brooklyn
We returned to the scene of the crime, so to speak. It seems like things have been cyclical for us as of late, our performance at 502 Warren Street went down literally in the same spot where the idea for this band was born. In any event, this show happened on a special day for me, as it was the 26th anniversary of my birth. I know, very exciting. You know how things go wrong just about every day of the year? And how, on your birthday, just for that one day, you want everything to go as planned, to exceed your wildest expectations? Well, that didn’t happen. Perhaps it was because it was Friday the thirteenth, it is unclear. The sound board blew out. Touring bands took their sweet time setting up. The cops showed up, and while they didn’t shut down the show, they did scare people off. Regardless, rather than going on around 12 or 12:30 (or whatever time we were supposed to play, but the show was supposed to be done by 1am sharp), we went on a little closer to 2am, a full two hours after my birthday had expired. Of course, most of my friends who had came to see us were long gone by that time, so instead of the 100 to 150 people who were there at some point, we played to approximately 20. These things happen, I suppose. I will admit to being put in a bit of a foul mood by all of this, however. It didn’t help that my father failed to telephone me, either. Cry me a river, I know. If you’re curious, Thirty Pack, Child Abuse, Nada Surf, and the Power-Ups all opened up for us. I wanted this show to be a bit different, a bit special, as it was my birthday and all. As a result, we recruited our good friend and confidant Tianna Kennedy to sit in with us on the cello. I figured a cello was the least intuitive instrument we could add to our little ragtag ensemble. It would have been anticlimactic, what with the show being a bit problematic, except we fucking ruled it. I subscribe to the Black Flag school of thought, that you play your fucking heart out no matter how many or how few people are there. We certainly did. I believe the music stand got thrown about more than a little (occasionally it was even thrown at me by one Tianna Kennedy, when she wasn’t busy bowing with it), but I think it actually lasted through the evening. There was much rolling around on the floor, screaming, and removing of shirts. It seemed like a good idea at the time, although I suppose I’ll have to let history be the judge. As it happened, the show was documented by Joly, who I’m sure will eventually put a clip on his website or something. So it would seem that you can be the judge as well, should you so desire. We played the longest set of our lives, although at this point I’m hard pressed to remember just what songs we played. I even threw one in that we hadn’t rehearsed with Tianna, just because I was drunk and it seemed like a good idea. I did drink a pint of bourbon and a few beers to boot, which was probably more than sufficient. So suffice it to say that despite our humble beginnings that night, we had maximum fun and everyone who stuck around did too. I suppose in the final analysis, if you weren’t there, you’re already regretting it. Don’t bother apologizing, as hard as we try we cannot turn back the clock. It’s futile to even try, I’ve found. There’s always next year.

Agnostic Prayers, etc.

2004-08-11T19:57:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wonder how us modern citizens, the godless masses, are supposed to atone for our sins. I have more than once found myself looking for salvation at the bottom of a bottle of bourbon, and I am sure that I am not alone in that. Somehow, it just never seems to be there, however much temporary comfort the soothing brown liquid might bring. Perhaps faith is the answer, perhaps the Christians have had it right all along. Just to believe in a better world is enough for it to exist; to believe is enough to save us all. Perhaps it is a mistake to confuse credulity with weakness, a mistake to confuse cynicism with strength. I suppose it all depends on what you have faith in, these days. There are many roads to heaven or salvation or enlightenment; Puttin' On The Ritz is but one of them. We are neither cynics nor saints, but we already died for your sins and we're still wondering who will absolve us of our own.

On Humean Feeling

2004-08-10T21:53:00.000-04:00

In an effort to understand society, I was just thinking about the thread of dominance in mysticism through the lens of Max Weber’s three basic legitimacy types of domination.

1) Traditional domination: belief in age-old rules/values; “eternal yesterday”; born into...habit to conform; patriarchialism[as a council of elders]/patrimonialism[as based on inheritance].

2) Charismatic domination: belief in an authority due to their charisma, devotion, and confidence -- a heroic leadership.

3) Legal/Rational domination: modern society is based upon impersonal methods as found in bureaucracy; people follow as it is assumed to be in the general interest of self/society.

Weber describes obedience to legitimacy types as based on our motivations of fear (fear of authoritative power) and hope (hope of good for oneself). This makes me think of Hume’s analysis of human feeling (why we believe in it in the first place) and Kant’s reaction to it -- how Kant reacted to Hume’s skeptical epistemological conclusion that there is no foundation for knowledge through induction, and therefore that there is no true knowledge. For Hume, one cannot experience the truth because there is no necessary relation between what is perceived and an actual thing out there a posteriori. But in the Critique…, Kant attacks Hume’s belief that observable reality is based on speculation by asserting that Hume’s method of reason confines itself to not knowing through empiricism (the world imposes upon us). Kant undermined Cartesianism and Hume’s belief that there is no proof to an objective, external world outside of our own mind and that therefore induction is irrational. For Hume, we can’t rely on existence because it is temporary and illusory. Kant revitalized science, and possibly mere pragmatism, but this brings up a whole new can of worms: to try and naturalize epistemology through neurobiology and psychology (Quine). This process of naturalization was begun by Marx in the 19th century and perpetuated the behaviorists and pragmatists such as John Dewey. Science might bring us back to Hume, in spirit anyway (direct synaptical correlations aren’t a necessary causality to venerated feeling).

In Puttin’ on the Ritz we are like you: our lust is to know/express final thoughts.

Everything (Including The Kitchen Sink), etc.

2004-08-04T18:57:00.000-04:00

Guess what guys?

August 4, 2004 -- 502 Warren Street, Brooklyn
I love playing here. The two previous shows I played here rank among the best I've ever played. There was quite a crowd (although we lost a few before we went on), and it was quite nice outside. We were supposed to play in the kitchen but it was too hot and stuffy in there, so we opted to play in the backyard. Currituck County brought it, and it was nice to watch Zeke Healy play a Casiotone For The Painfully Alone song with Owen sitting right there. I of course was the one who requested it, but I like to watch people squirm. Owen was great, playing in Aron's bedroom. Our set went quite nicely, thank you very much. People sat and watched us, and seemed to enjoy it, at least. There was some moderate clapping. Kevin's cymbal kept falling over and he kept doing weird things with the snare. When he would go off on one of his avant tangents, I would sit in a chair next to him and examine my wrist (where my watch would be, were I to wear a watch). I kept announcing that we weren't doing comedy and Kevin kept giving me rimshots. I kind of prefer the stripped down set sometimes, just a snare, maybe a cymbal, and me projecting to the best of my ability. I feel like it keeps us honest, somehow. I guess we did allright, we got offered three shows immediately following our performance. And I was worried that we didn't have any more booked.

Furthermore, I feel like we need to just keep playing and playing and playing every night, every fucking second. Like people are going to forget about us if we go a week without playing or something. I guess I'm just really neurotic. You would be too if you were me, etc.

Queries, Answers, Pleas, etc.

2004-08-03T10:38:00.000-04:00

Hello again. It would appear that we played another show, although it's taken me a few days to get around to commenting on it. I apologize for my tardiness.

July 31, 2004 -- Rooftop of 338 Berry Street, Brooklyn
Alice went through quite a bit of trouble to set this show up, but it was definitely worth it. Linda Haygood opened up, but I had to work so I missed it. In fact, I got several hours of sleep and then was quite dismayed with my alarm went off at 8:00am. Immediately after working I met up with Todd Patrick who gave me a ride to pick up tuxedos and top hats from David Ahuja, who was nice enough to show up later and film up whilst performing. We booked over to the show, just in time to see the beginning of Hot Nilla and Liquid Stars' set. They were fantastic. I was quite amazed when I got to the roof, although it was a six or seven or some amount of floor climb. Trees, rosebushes, a coy pond, a view of Manhattan, etc. Brilliant. Kevin was reputedly incummunicado in New Jersey, although he did manage to turn up in time for our set. This Invitation proved a tough act to follow, despite our top hats. We soldiered on. The wind was blowing the words around so as to make them unreadable (it eventually blew the music stand over completely); Lita was nice enough to sit and hold them for me. All I really needed was to read to Portuguese from The Girl From Ipanema, the rest of the set she sat there whilst I ignored the lyric sheets. It was a nice touch, I though. Immediately upon starting I got so many rocks in my shoes that I was forced to remove them. I'm not sure if that was a nice touch or not, wearing tails and wandered around in just my socks. People were a little less positive than I thought they'd be, as this was a fun, laid back, free rooftop party. I suppose I have to remember that just because people aren't watching you intently doesn't mean they aren't enjoying it. Lynn, who resides in the building, asked us to come back and play some art shows she's planning on having up there. We eagerly accepted. I managed to drink 62 ounces of beer in the two or so hours I was there, which while not all that prodigious, managed to get me quite drunk and then quite sleepy. Kevin was sober, having just come from hanging out with his young niece.

We're playing again tonight as well, at 502 Warren Street with a bunch of our friends. We try to mix it up, playing in front of hostile crowds as well as friendly ones. You can't do too much of either, it gets demoralizing playing in front of people who don't like you and you get soft playing in front of just your friends all the time. We haven't mixed our recording yet, I've barely even listened to it. I think I want to make videos for every song and add all our live footage and release a digital video disc rather than a mere compact disc. More expensive, but probably more fun too. We might need financial backing sometime soon, neither of us have any money to speak of. Do you?

Tertiary Thoughts, etc.

2004-07-28T19:54:00.000-04:00

Occasionally I have misgivings about this band. I mean, are we earnest about the joke or are we joking about being earnest? Why am I putting so much time and energy into a band that doesn't write its own songs? Upon further inspection, I can sometimes see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is this -- this is a super fun band to be in. We're much more concerned with the theatricality and the performance, although I doubt we will ever have the budget to bring it to Yes-size proportions. We do our best, nonetheless. Moreover, it is all about having a fucked up idea and seeing it through to fruition. To taking the ball and running with it, so to speak. Puttin' On The Ritz is all about follow through, we're all about making life as fun as humanly possible. It is nice to remind myself of these things once in a while, it is difficult to always stay focused on the goal. So come rejoice with us Saturday, as we will be playing an afternoon rooftop party in Williamsburg. Many of our friends, including This Invitation and Hot Nilla & Liquid Stars, will also be performing. It is of course, complimentary. 338 Berry between South 4th and South 5th, 4pm-8pm. We will be performing last, as always. We hope to see you there, and remember that we still love you, whatever your sins might be.

Finding Your Voice, etc.

2004-07-25T04:13:00.000-04:00

Why yes, hello. We here at Puttin’ On The Ritz have been quite busy, apparently. Perhaps you do not believe me. What have you been up to? We’ve been practicing a bunch, honing our craft, etc. We spent the vast majority of our day hidden from view, our perhaps it might be better said that we were recording. We did a bunch of different takes of our tunes, trying to get as far out there and fun and fucked up as humanly possible. We did this all for you, despite the fact that you might not have been paying very close attention. If it makes any difference, I’m quite drunk right now and have not slept since any of this happened. I’m trying to make it as authentic as possible for you, the reader. Time might heal all wounds, but it also distances you from the experience, so to speak. Regardless, hello. We had a blast today, and we hope you did too. Our good friend J Ellis recorded our songs for posterity, and for your listening pleasure even. He managed to bring out quite a bit of the good stuff in us without really trying, apparently. So there. Anyway, we had a riotous time recording, even though I was losing my voice through most of it. People forget (or fail to notice) just how punk rock we are, on occasion. My biggest influences for this band include Flipper and Throbbing Gristle, even if you can’t hear it. I’ve even been hugged for saying so. We played an amazing show tonight, which I’m just about to tell you all about, if I can only say about a few more times this sentence (please say it with a Canadian accent, as if you were all about the house, etc.).

July 24, 2004 -- Tommy’s Tavern, Brooklyn
Having the home field advantage never seemed so hostile. We were setting up and some dude was giving Kevin a hard time, saying that he “picked a bad place to play, son”. Kevin was a little scared, but I believe it was those dudes who left, not us. Moreover, people were mad that we even played. I believe I was told that someone wanted to “punch me in the face”. I add the quotation marks merely because it seemed appropriate. Someone from the Tall Boys also complained about the idea of us even getting paid, despite the fact that at least as many people came out to see us as them. I suppose we weren’t officially advertised, but we’ve never let that stop us. Dan Melchior didn’t say anything to me about it, and The Broke Revue performed as well. I chatted with Bruno from the Homosexuals (who I was actually pretty stoked to play with) for a bit later in the evening, and he advised me to try and start a band that Frank Sinatra would be doing now if he were twenty. I told him that that is exactly what we are doing. We get wasted, we’re pretty indulgent, we piss people off, and we don’t write our own songs. Oh yeah, we’re occasionally pretty decent musicians, too. I also learned that I have a copy of one of his records that he doesn’t even own. Nerdy nostalgia, etc. This was the only show that I was actually taunted at. There were some people who loved us, but there were also many people who hated our guts. I would like to thank the people who loved us, we’re here for you. I’d also like to thank the people that hated us, because you’re obviously doing really fun and interesting things with your life. We’re not here to make friends, we’re here to have a good time. You can feel the love or the hate in room, and it generally makes you want to be even more obscene, to be more fucked up and obnoxious. You want them to hate you or love you all the more for it. We want to be infamous. Why not? What do we have to lose? We have no credibility or money to speak of. We’re currently creating our own reputation. We make no apologies. We are hedonists; we try and have as much fucking fun as humanly possible. We also work really hard. But most of all, we truly do love each and every one of you. Whatever your reaction is, you make our lives all the more rich for it, you supply us with stories to tell. We feed on emotion, which we’ve managed to evoke, one way or another. Guess what? Thank you, goodnight.

Burlesque Dancing, etc.

2004-07-23T13:07:00.000-04:00

Now that Kevin is posting here my comments seem a bit pedestrian, don't they? I suppose I'll let you be the judge. We here at Puttin' On The Ritz have been quite busy, and continue to be so for the forseeable future. We have a show tomorrow night at our home away from home, Tommy's Tavern. We will be performing with the legendary Homosexuals, but of course we will be closing out the night. We like to let the big bands open for us. We will be spending the entirety of the daylight hours in an underground bunker transmitting our tunes to tape, or in all likelihood to some sort of digital medium. Look out. Oh yeah, we played another show.

July 21, 2004 -- Tommy's Tavern, Brooklyn
Todd called me at 7:30pm and asked me if we wanted to play after our friends from Ohio, The Party Of Helicopters. I consented, as I was planning on going to the show anyway (actually, I was supposed to work the door but I got out of it). We had to borrow their kit which meant running with it from the back room to the front room before the crowd dispersed. We lost a few, but to make an omelette you have to break some eggs, etc. Kevin wasn't nearly loud enough for some reason, and me repeatedly yelling at him to play louder seemed to have no effect. All I could hear was the sound of my own voice, which is an occasionally disconcerting experience. I mean, I know I have a great voice, I'm just not used to singing unaccompanied in front of people. To add to the theatricality, Peter had asked me before the show to do at least some of my singing from the bar; so somehow I found myself jumping up and down on it, trying not to fall off and kill myself whilst people were slipping money in my trousers. I guess you can say we made $2, as that was the only payment we received that evening.

Inspiration from early tantricism, etc.

2004-07-22T22:04:00.000-04:00

FYI, etc: Puttin' on the Ritz takes some inspiration from early tantricism, etc. Well, what i mean is that there were two main branches of Buddhism in India, Mahayana and Hinayana, until the fourth century A.D. when Buddhism began to lose ground in India during its second great empire, which emphasized Hinduism over Buddhism. By the 6th century, The Hinayana School had almost disappeared and a new branch, “The Vehicle of the Thunderbolt (Vajrayana)” was now the main competition with Mahayana. Vajrayana was an aspect of Tantricism, or a school that was devoted to magic power and the supernatural, based on the Tantras literature, which illustrated spells, formulas and magic rites. Tantricism had mostly feminine divinities and encouraged yoga, meditation, the chanting of mantras.
“Adepts who had learned the secrets of Vajrayana at the feet of a spiritual guru would meet together, usually at night, in small groups to perform their secret ceremonies.”[i] “But the tantric groups also followed more questionable methods of gaining salvation. It was believed that once the adept had reached a certain degree of spiritual attainment the normal rules of moral behavior were no longer valid for him, and that their deliberate breach, if committed in an odor of sanctity, would actually help him on the upward path.”[ii] “All things were legitimate to those who fully know the truth is already to be found in specific texts…at a certain stage of self-development, to give way to the passions, especially the sexual passions, is a positive help along the upward path.”[iii] “Thus, drunkenness, meat-eating, and sexual promiscuity were often indulged in, as well as such repulsive psychopathic practices as eating ordure and ritual murder.”[iv]

These practices were carried out because they facilitated a “final bliss: the union of the phenomenal world with the noumenal full consciousness of the emptiness of all things.”[v] “It is understood to be highly dangerous to the participant’s welfare (karmic position) if pleasure is sought.”[vi] The aim was to “come face to face with the elemental forces in the world and to transcend the desires aroused by them,”[vii] or to have “such tight control over the senses as to rise above pleasure to a complete non-dualistic union with natural force, ultimately with the purpose of riding the back of this ‘tiger’ into Nirvana.”[viii]
“So, with all one’s might, one should do
Whatever fools condemn,
And, since one’s mind is pure,
Dwell in union with one’s divinity.

The mystics, pure of mind,
Dally with lovely girls,
Infatuated with the poisonous flame of passion,
That they may be set free from desire.

When he has developed a mind of wisdom
And has set his heart on enlightenment
There is nothing he may not do
To uproot the world (from his mind).

The mystic duly dwells
On the manifold merits of his divinity,
He delights in thoughts of passion,
And by the enjoyment of passion is set free.
From the Tantric poem, Disquisition on the Purification of the Intellect[ix]
[i] The Buddhist Tradition In India, China and Japan. p. 113.
[ii] The Buddhist Tradition In India, China and Japan. p. 114.
[iii] The Buddhist Tradition In India, China and Japan. p. 118.
[iv] The Buddhist Tradition In India, China and Japan. p. 114.
[v] The Buddhist Tradition In India, China and Japan. p. 114.
[vi] Noss, David S. A History of the World’s Religions – 10th Edition. Upper Saddle River: Prentice Hall, 1999, p. 129.
[vii] A History of the World’s Religions – 10th Edition. p. 205.
[viii] A History of the World’s Religions – 10th Edition. p. 129.
[ix] The Buddhist Tradition In India, China and Japan. p. 118.

Tantricism has given we of Puttin' on the Ritz a practical means to escaping our emotions. Using the Tantric methodology for overcoming our desires (the "dallying with lovely girls" part, etc, though it doesn't seem to be working at the moment, etc), we devour the dominant human regime from the inside – first ideologically (as with rational capitalism) and secondly corporeally by using our supernatural skills, skills like flying, invisibility and sobriety.
Tootaloo.

Gatecrashing, etc.

2004-07-19T11:14:00.000-04:00

So this weekend we played not one, not two, but three shows that we hadn't really been invited to play. They all went pretty well, considering.

July 17, 2004 -- In Front Of The Cyclone, Coney Island
Yes, we really did play Siren Fest. I guess you can say we played with Death Cab For Cutie, Blonde Readhead, Trail Of Dead, Mission Of Burma, Har Mar Superstar, TV On The Radio, Electric Six, The Fiery Furnaces, The Fever, Constantines, Vue, The Thermals, The Ponys, and Your Enemies Friends if you want. We felt like the Village Voice had simply forgotten to invite us, so we invited ourselves. We managed to convince our friend David to come down and document it as well, so the event would not be lost to history. I felt nervous and weird about this first set, as there were police officers and other hostile humans standing around. We played four songs, which went surprsingly well. Some dude stood next to Kevin for a while, snapping his fingers and bobbing his head. The people who stopped to watch us all seemed pretty stoked.    The police did not bother us. I guess it was just me singing into thin air and Kevin playing a drum he found on the street with brushes, so we weren't really all that loud anyway. We almost cancelled this set due to lack of interest, but then were talked into playing it anyway.

July 17, 2004 -- The Atlantic Ocean, Coney Island
Yes, we really did play in the ocean. I ran into a friend a few hours before the show and he remarked that although the show hadn't even happened yet, it was already legendary in his mind. Perhaps the most ridiculous show I have ever played. Totally worth it. We wore our suits and ties even. Every few minutes Kevin would simply jump into the water, whether during a drum solo or whilst I was in the middle of a verse. Some of our friends came, and then everyone sitting on the beach walked over, and then people saw people watching something and came over. By the end of the set we had around 100 people watching us. It was quite cinematic, I'm told. Our friend Betsy waded out in the water with us with Kevin's minidisc player so we could get better audio than just off the camera. She looked scared and confused for most of it, but I think she had fun.  People wanted an encore, but the music stand had been knocked over by waves so many times that all the lyrics had washed away and I couldn't remember any more songs. Immediately after playing someone asked if they could show the footage at a party, and someone else wanted to air it on their public access show. Apparently fame and fortune are just around the corner.

July 18, 2004 -- Shout!, Manhattan
Our friends Diamonds were playing, and Morgan remarked that it was too bad that Kevin wasn't around so we could play a few songs. I called him up and somehow it became another Puttin' On The Ritz show.  Immediately after their set he introduced us, and we got in Fly Me To The Moon before the DJ started playing records and some dude came over and repeatedly told me to "be cool". Everyone looked really confused for that one song. Our first show in Manhattan, and we get the plug pulled. Oddly fitting for a band that doesn't need power. We contemplated playing on the roof, but figured we would probably be ejected immediately. It's difficult to crash parties that have big bouncer types who hate you. Perhaps we need to work on being more light on our feet.

So as you can see, we've been staying busy. We're playing with the Homosexuals on Saturday, after spending all day recording. We're sort of becoming the Tommy's Tavern house band, but what can you do. They love us there, so how can we say no?  Until next time, godspeed, etc.

Cold Feet, etc.

2004-07-16T17:08:00.000-04:00

So we're playing Siren Fest tomorrow, apparently. It seemed like a really good idea at first, but now that we're actually going through with it I feel more than a bit nervous. Singing into nothing whilst Kevin bangs on a snare might not be as great as we initially thought. There is the slight risk we'll get a ticket (or a stern talking to), but I'm not really too concerned with that. Playing in front of (or better said, near) all sorts of hostile strangers might be problematic. I guess you won't be able to hear us all that well unless you're standing right next to us, so it shouldn't matter. I'm less concerned with the set in the water, that's ridiculous enough to work anyway. Our revised outfit has us actually performing in suits, for some reason. Well, at least it will be cinematic, if anyone gets around to filming it. So it goes.

Origins, Early Histories, etc.

2004-07-11T19:11:00.000-04:00

Why yes, hello. Welcome to the official blog of Puttin’ On The Ritz. There are no unofficial ones that I know of, by the way. We plan to use this space to update you on our various exploits, so you can know where to be, and more importantly, when. The right time and the right place, etc. You might also be subjected to various rants from Kevin or myself, depending on our mood. Regardless, a good place to start might be the beginning. A brief history of Puttin’ On The Ritz, if you will. Our band was conceived one evening (April 4, 2004) at 502 Warren Street, which was playing host to several bands (Aa and Japanther among others, if memory serves me). Kevin Shea and myself were outside, chatting about something or another (consuming copious amounts of alcohol, in all likelihood), when we began singing songs to each other. For some reason, we were singing standards to each other, but we were singing them as a sailor might, so to speak. Then it occurred to him that his friend Tianna was looking for some sort of lounge band to perform some party, and that perhaps we should start a band with him drumming and me singing our dirty songs. Tianna happened to be there, and agreed to let us perform. Some time passed, and about a week before the show we finally got together to pick out the songs we were going to play. We chose six, but we decided that rather than change the lyrics we would just perform them straight, me crooning much as Sinatra might and him drumming. We had two practices, which we recorded straight to minidisc so we would have compact discs to sell at our show. Somehow we booked another show for the following week, actually before we had ever practiced. I was nervous, I had no idea if we were going to suck or not. Everything was happening so fast.

May 8, 2004 -- Free 103.9, Brooklyn
We thought there were going to be other bands, but there was not. We played at 12:30 or 1 or something like that, I cannot recall. It was a cocktail party, everyone was dressed up and they were making martinis and manhattans and what not for everyone. We were quite drunk, if memory serves me. We went through our six songs, and much to our surprise people didn’t walk out on us. We had a pile of our CDs on one of the monitors, and people were actually taking them and leaving money in their place. The set ended with me rolling around on the floor, scatting. This has become a regular occurrence. We got paid twenty bucks, which we promptly went and spent at a bar.

May 14, 2004 -- North 6 Basement, Brooklyn
We played with Barry London and Kid Millions, Friendly Bears, and Sabers. We debuted our practice of playing last, in front of the exit. Kevin played a set at Tommy’s Tavern, then at Pete’s Candy Store before he even arrived. I didn’t see much of the other bands, I was quite busy getting drunk. When Kevin arrived I busied myself getting him drunk as well. By the time we went on we were thoroughly soused. I vaguely remember knocking the music stand over a bunch and fucking up just about every song. I know these are songs everyone is supposed to know, but try singing them with only drums for accompaniment. Whilst intoxicated. After only two practices. You start to catch my drift. People didn’t walk out, but that might have been because we were playing in front of the door.

May 14, 2004 -- Tommy’s Tavern, Brooklyn
A few bands played earlier, but they had all long finished by the time we arrived. I guess you can say we played with them, but I have no idea who played and it doesn’t really matter that much anyway. Todd asked us to come play after our show at North 6, which for some reason we thought would be a great idea. We arrived at around 2am, and there were maybe twenty or thirty people still there. We set up in front, right next to the bar. I had broken the music stand earlier in the evening, which we hastily taped back together. Todd fed us shots and beers for some reason, which we certainly did not require. I decided somewhere in the set that it would be a good idea to take my shirt off. Then I started rolling around on the pool table, whilst people were shooting pool. Apparently they were not pleased. Some local dude sitting at the bar really liked us and bought us more beer, which we really did not need by that time. Immediately after performing I walked across the street and vomited under a tree. Kevin was so drunk he could not successfully hail a cab, which Todd had to do for him. I later learned that there were extensive photos taken at that show, and some German dude filmed it. Of course, being German, his camera was in the PAL format, which is almost useless for us. The rest of the weekend people kept coming up to me and telling me how great we were, despite the fact that I had no recollection of them being at the show. Kevin got alcohol poisoning for his troubles.

May 29, 2004 -- Asterisk, Brooklyn
This show was originally supposed to be at Volume, but they were shut down by the fire marshal, so it was moved at the last minute to a loft space in Bushwick. We played with Japanther, Aa, Dreamhouse, Talibam, Au Revoir Simone, Aqui, Lucky Dragons, and maybe some others. We were originally going to perform in the bathroom, but the facilities at the new space were not quite as spacious. Thus, we decided to perform in the long, narrow hallway. A fist fight was breaking out as I plugged in the microphone. People kept getting tangled up in the mic cord, and it kept coming unplugged. Not our best effort. Everyone seemed baffled and hostile, except for a few who seemed to love us. I was told later that people spent the rest of the night asking about us and talking about how much they liked it. I saw no evidence of that, but I was rolling around on the floor at the time.

June 11, 2004 -- The Cave, Queens
I put a tremendous amount of work into this show. We performed with Free Blood, Japanther, Nightmerica, Zeke Healy, Sleepy Doug Shaw, and Andersonic. A $2 punk show, if you will. Zeke and Doug played acoustic outside. We of course went on last, at like 2:30am or something. The police showed up in the middle of our set, and the owner told us we had to stop. The DJs began playing records at a volume considerably louder than our own, which I told the owner (who had spent most of the rest of the night kissing my ass because they had never, ever, had anywhere even approaching the number of the people there that my show brought in). He said he didn’t care, we had to stop. We are unflappable. We grabbed a snare and went out to the street corner and resumed playing. He came out and told us to just finish inside. We did. We lost a number of our audience members, but it just goes to show that you cannot stop the rock, apparently.

June 26, 2004 -- The Nest, Brooklyn
This was not actually a proper Puttin’ On The Ritz show. It was a Puttin’ On the Talibananacondom show, apparently. It consisted of me, Kevin and Matt (Talibam), and some other dudes whose names I promptly forgot. I agreed to do this last minute, and it was a mess. I walked in just in time to play, somewhere around 2am. I had no idea what to do, so I jumped around and screamed into the microphone. Someone started throwing bean bag chairs at me. The sax player grabbed a microphone stand and ran into the crowd knocking peoples’ drinks out of their hands. The plug was pulled, and we were asked to leave. Somehow Matt got paid on the way out, although I’m still not sure how.

June 27, 2004 -- Lyric Lounge, Brooklyn
Talibam was playing again, and I showed up for moral support. At one point someone asked if we were playing. Kevin looked at me and asked “Do you want to?” I agreed, for lack of anything better to do. This was a poorly booked and/or promoted show, as the only people there were the bands and their girlfriends. Todd turned up because in the middle of the set because I said we were playing. It was supposed to be at Tommy’s but Matt failed to actually tell them that. When they showed up they were informed that they would not be allowed to play. I was telephoned for assistance, and Todd has already suggested they call the Lyric Lounge, which I passed along to them. Honestly, it was mostly a waste of time. I guess they can’t all be winners.

June 30, 2004 -- Tommy’s Tavern, Brooklyn
We got to play with all our friends. Japanther (already our third show with them), Nightmerica, White Oni (Rop and Tim and Kokie’s debut), and some hardcore band called Drinker’s Purgatory that was on tour or something. We played a little earlier than usual, around 1:30am. Far and away our best show. We went on immediately after Japanther in the front room. Everyone stopped and watched on their way out. Moreover, they hooted, they hollered, they danced, etc. It actually looked like we knew the songs. Kevin got a standing ovation for one of his drum solos. I rolled around on the pool table again, but people knew it was coming so they weren’t playing pool. We sold all four compact discs on our persons immediately following the performance. It looked like we were actually becoming a decent band, more than just being extreme and crazy and ridiculous, etc.

That’s it so far. Seven shows (eight of you count the nest, which I don’t really), four practices (unless you count getting together to pick out songs and make CDs, which I don’t really). We were supposed to play last night, but Kevin never turned up. His phone died and his other show didn’t end until almost 3am. Oh well. I got drunk without him. Our next show is Siren Fest, although we were not invited to play. We will be playing two sets, one at 6pm near the Cyclone, and another at 8pm in the Atlantic Ocean. It works simply because we do not require power, so we can do whatever we want. We always wanted to play with Mission of Burma, Blonde Redhead, etc. It seemed like an easy enough way to do so. We’re recording with our from J Ellis on the 24th, and I hope to put out a real CD with the results. We’re talking to Aa about booking a tour together, and we have all sorts of other clever schemes, harebrained or otherwise, in mind. Keep checking in for more details.

For Archival Purposes, etc.

2004-07-01T00:00:00.032-04:00

001. 05/08/04 -- Free 103.9; Brooklyn, NY

002. 05/14/04 -- North 6 Basement; Brooklyn, NY w/ Barry London & Kid Millions, Friendly Bears, Sabers

003. 05/14/04 -- Tommy's Tavern; Brooklyn, NY

004. 05/29/04 -- Asterisk; Brooklyn, NY w/ Japanther, Aa, Dreamhouse, Aqui, Lucky Dragons, Talibam!, Au Revoir Simone

005. 06/11/04 -- The Cave; Queens, NY w/ Free Blood, Japanther, Nightmerica, Zeke Healy, Sleepy Doug Shaw, Andersonic

006. 06/27/04 -- Lyric Lounge; Brooklyn, NY w/ Talibam!

007. 06/30/04 -- Tommy's Tavern; Brooklyn NY w/ Japanther, Nightmerica, White Oni, Drinker's Purgatory

008. 07/17/04 -- In Front of the Cyclone (Coney Island); Brooklyn, NY w/ Death Cab for Cutie, Blonde Redhead, Trail of Dead, Mission of Burma, Har Mar Superstar, TV on the Radio, Electric Six, The Fiery Furnaces, The Fever, Constantines, Vue, The Thermals, The Ponys, Your Enemies Friends

009. 07/17/04 -- The Atlantic Ocean (Coney Island); Brooklyn, NY

010. 07/18/04 -- Shout!; Manhattan, NY w/ Diamonds

011. 07/21/04 -- Tommy's Tavern; Brooklyn, NY w/ Party of Helicopters

012. 07/24/04 -- Tommy's Tavern; Brooklyn, NY w/ The Homosexuals, The Broke Revue, Tallboys

013. 07/31/04 -- 338 Berry Street; Brooklyn, NY w/ Hot Nilla & Liquid Stars, This Invitation

014. 08/04/04 -- 502 Warren Street; Brooklyn, NY w/ Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, Currituck County, Zeke Healy, Aphid Ant Construction

015. 08/13/04 -- Free 103.9; Brooklyn, NY w/ Nada Surf, The Power-Ups, Child Abuse, Thirty Pack

016. 08/22/04 -- Asterisk; Brooklyn, NY w/ Aa, Guns Fire Mayhem, Langhorne Slim, Danger Boy & the Road Vultures, Eddie Berrigan, Andersonic

017. 08/25/04 -- 40 Worth Street; Manhattan, NY (Live on the Radio)

018. 08/27/04 -- Eat Records; Brooklyn, NY

019. 08/27/04 -- Tommy's Tavern; Brooklyn, NY w/ 2000 Million 10

020. 08/28/04 -- 248 McKibbin Street 1J; Brooklyn, NY w/ The Fakers, Zeke Healy, Fxxxing Lion

021. 08/29/04 -- Lyric Lounge; Brooklyn, NY w/ Parenthetical Girls, Zeke Healy, Benji Cossa

022. 08/29/04 -- The Tank; Manhattan, NY w/ Infernal Noise Brigade, Parenthetical Girls

023. 09/16/04 -- Tommy's Tavern; Brooklyn, NY w/ Vaz, Arctic Universe

024. 10/02/04 -- Asterisk; Brooklyn, NY

025. 10/15/04 -- Free Radio Dumbo; Brooklyn, NY (Live on the Radio)

026. 10/17/04 -- Tommy's Tavern; Brooklyn, NY w/ Lion Fever, Bellmer Dolls, Princess, The Fugue

027. 10/18/04 -- Knitting Factory Tap Bar; Manhattan, NY w/ Barr, 1999, Bobby Birdman, Touchdown, 14K

028. 10/20/04 -- Tommy's Tavern; Brooklyn, NY w/ Cheeseburger, Vietnam, Blood on the Wall, Silver, Sleepy Doug Shaw

029. 11/13/04 -- Office Ops; Brooklyn, NY w/ Tunnel of Love, Pterodactyl, La Otracina, Breaker! Breaker!

030. 11/20/04 -- Asterisk; Brooklyn, NY w/ Warbler, Diamond Nights, Cheeseburger

031. 11/28/04 -- Knitting Factory; Manhattan, NY w/ Big Business, Kylesa, Cop on Fire

032. 11/30/04 -- Trash; Brooklyn, NY w/ Big Business, Kylesa, Cheeseburger, Cop on Fire

033. 12/04/04 -- The Tank Annex; Manhattan, NY w/ Lucky Dragons, Lasereye Stingray

034. 12/10/04 -- Free 103.9; Brooklyn, NY

035. 12/18/04 -- 904 Bedford Avenue 6A; Brooklyn, NY

036. 12/20/04 -- Tommy's Tavern; Brooklyn, NY w/ Hope and Anchor, The Weeds

037. 01/21/05 -- Llano Estacado; Brooklyn, NY w/ Parts & Labor, Aa, Big Bear, Dirty Projectors

038. 02/12/05 -- Llano Estacado; Brooklyn, NY w/ No Things, Narchitect, Deerhunter, Child Abuse, Bloody Panda, Younger

039. 02/14/05 -- St. Marks Church; Manhattan, NY w/ Rebecca Moore

040. 02/18/05 -- 381 Hooper Street; Brooklyn, NY w/ Battletorn, Cop on Fire, HIV+

041. 03/11/05 -- Asterisk; Brooklyn, NY w/ Diamond Nights, Cheeseburger, Aa, Lucky Dragons, Telepathe, Benji Cossa

042. 03/19/05 -- Eat Records; Brooklyn, NY

043. 03/22/05 -- Glasshouse; Brooklyn, NY w/ Birds of Delay

044. 03/28/05 -- Trash; Brooklyn, NY w/ The Coolies, Nakatomi Plaza, We Vs. The Shark, FACE!

045. 04/02/05 -- Asterisk; Brooklyn, NY w/ Lightning Bolt, DMBQ, Drama Queens, Shellshag

046. 04/15/05 -- Juvie Hall; Manhattan, NY (Live on the Midnight Kalan talk show)

047. 04/19/05 -- Glasshouse; Brooklyn, NY w/ USAisamonster, Gang Wizard, Hi-Red Center, Child Abuse

048. 05/05/05 -- In a car; The Taconic Parkway, NY

049. 05/07/05 -- Asterisk; Brooklyn, NY w/ People, Stay Fucked, Dynasty, Lycaon Pictus

050. 05/08/05 -- Prospect Park Peninsula; Brooklyn, NY w/ Currituck County, Zeke Healy, This Invitation, Trevor Healy, Benji Cossa, Mike Wexler, Hisham Bharoocha & Andy Macleod, Necking, Miguel Mendez, Alice Cohen, Joel Saladino, TK Webb, Joe Bradley

051. 06/09/05 -- Cakeshop; Manhattan, NY w/ Knife Skills, The Good Good, More Teeth

052. 06/27/05 -- Glasshouse; Brooklyn, NY w/ The Good Good, Castles, Birdbrain

053. 07/07/05 -- Tommy's Tavern; Brooklyn, NY w/ Necking, Hell's Hills, Love of Diagrams, Retconned, Recompas

054. 07/20/05 -- Glasshouse; Brooklyn, NY w/ Ill Ease, Bent Outta Shape, 50 Million, Nick Flanagan

055. 07/23/05 -- Parking Lot in Long Island City; Queens, NY w/ Lightning Bolt, Afrirampo, Japanther, Free Blood, USAisamonster, Aa, Parts & Labor, Growing, Eloe Omoe, Matt & Kim, Necking, Talibam!

056. 08/03/05 -- Glasshouse; Brooklyn, NY w/ Chinese Stars, Wives, Bird Names, Scalpels

057. 08/04/05 -- Free 103.9; Brooklyn, NY (Live on The Citizens' Radio Music Show)

058. 08/13/05 -- East Village Radio; Manhattan, NY (Live on the Gay Beach radio show)

059. 08/13/05 -- 904 Bedford Avenue 6A; Brooklyn, NY w/ More Teeth, Zeke Healy

060. 08/16/05 -- Delancey Lounge; Manhattan, NY w/ Vaz, Child Abuse, Zeke Healy

061. 08/20/05 -- Galapagos; Brooklyn, NY

062. 10/04/05 -- Redd's; Brooklyn, NY w/ Zeke Healy, Pearl

063. 10/06/05 -- Cakeshop; Manhattan, NY w/ The Places

064. 10/13/05 -- Red & Black; Brooklyn, NY w/ Manuel & Catalina, Brendon Anderegg

065. 10/16/05 -- Pachyderm Haus; Brooklyn, NY w/ First Lady of Country and the Cunts, Sam Jayne, Miguel Mendez, Bloodweiser, Silent City

066. 10/31/05 -- Tecate; Brooklyn, NY w/ Hella, Old Time Relijun, Japanther, Calvin Johnson, Tender Forever

067. 11/7/05 -- Club Exit; Brooklyn, NY w/ Death from Above 1979, Japanther, No Dynamics, Meneguar, Child Abuse, Matt & Kim

068. 11/18/05 -- Fireproof Gallery; Brooklyn, NY w/ Hell's Hills, Christy & Emily, Cakes of Light

069. 11/19/05 -- Matchless; Brooklyn, NY

070. 12/13/05 -- Delancey Lounge; Manhattan, NY

071. 12/17/05 -- Exit Art; Manhattan, NY w/ The Good Good, Lucky Dragons, This Invitation, Hell's Hills, Zs, Growing, Necking

072. 12/19/05 -- Scenic; Manhattan, NY (Eat Records Xmas Party)

073. 01/09/06 -- Knitting Factory Old Office; Manhattan, NY w/ Runny, Dead Radar

074. 01/14/06 -- 330 Melrose Street; Brooklyn, NY

075. 03/03/06 -- Our Lady Of Consolation Church Rec Center; Brooklyn, NY w/ Harry and the Potters, Uncle Monsterface

076. 03/22/06 -- Galapagos; Brooklyn, NY

077. 03/23/06 -- Glasshouse; Brooklyn, NY w/ Cortina, Love of Diagrams, Necking, Grey Daturas

078. 04/27/06 -- Union Pool; Brooklyn, NY (Microshow for Doolittle 33 1/3 Book Release)

079. 05/01/06 -- Syrup Room; Brooklyn, NY w/ The Microphones, Thanksgiving, Jason Anderson

080. 06/04/06 -- Roosevelt Island; Roosevelt Island, NY w/ Aa, Matt & Kim, Meneguar, Necking, Dirty Projectors, Stars Like Fleas, Zeke Healy, Tiagaa!

081. 07/13/06 -- Micheline's; Brooklyn, NY w/ PG Six, Pumice, Nick Castro & The Young Elders, Golden Animals

082. 07/14/06 -- The Woodser; Brooklyn, NY w/ Mahogany, The Beat Buttons, The Metric Mile

083. 07/16/06 -- The East River; Brooklyn, NY (shoot for Bar episode of The Burg)

084. 09/23/06 -- Contemporary Arts Center; North Adams, MA

085. 09/25/06 -- Syrup Room; Brooklyn, NY w/ Vaz, Ill Ease, Talibam!

086. 11/03/06 -- Asterisk; Brooklyn, NY w/ No Age, High Places, Hawnay Troof, Ill Ease, Pit Er Pat

087. 11/09/06 -- Uncle Paulie's; Brooklyn, NY w/ Thanksgiving, O'Death, Crude, Po Boy Johnson

088. 12/02/06 -- Lockinn; Brooklyn, NY (Marc Gilman's Surprise 30th Birthday Party)

089. 12/17/06 -- Union Pool; Brooklyn, NY w/ Taigaa!, Soldiers of Fortune, Mushroom Cloud, BJ Warshaw (Eat Records Xmas Party)

090. 02/15/07 -- Vassar College; Poughkeepsie, NY w/ Barr, Marnie Stern

091. 04/06/07 -- Gypsy Ballroom; Dallas, TX (BJ Rubin) w/ Love Of Diagrams, Ted Leo

092. 05/13/07 -- Chashama Gallery; Manhattan, NY w/ Moth (You Are Here Exhibit)

093. 05/14/07 -- Zebulon; Brooklyn, NY w/ Talibam!

094. 05/18/07 -- Chashama Gallery; Manhattan, NY w/ OhSees, Legends (You Are Here Exhibit)

095. 05/19/07 -- Dead Herring; Brooklyn, NY w/ Necking, Kirsten Ketsjer, Chen Santa Maria, Urxed, Pixel Panda

096. 07/02/07 -- Death By Audio; Brooklyn, NY w/ The Fugue, Die! Die! Die!, Knyfe Hyts

097. 07/05/07 -- Grog Shop; Cleveland, OH w/ Marnie Stern, Clan Of The Cave Bear, Dead Peasant Insurance

098. 07/06/07 -- Selam; Washington, DC w/ Edie Sedgwick, Shame Girl

099. 07/07/07 -- Don Pedro's; Brooklyn, NY w/ The Dead Science, Very Be Careful, Talibam!

100. 07/08/07 -- Knitting Factory; Manhattan, NY w/ Marnie Stern, Rocket Surgery

101. 07/09/07 -- T.T. The Bears Place; Cambridge, MA w/ Marnie Stern, Big Bear

102. 08/07/07 -- Silent Barn; Brooklyn, NY w/ Ill Ease, Ninetynine, The Epochs, Vivian Girls

103. 08/31/07 -- Death By Audio; Brooklyn, NY w/ Mika Miko, High Places, Numbers, Rah Dunes, Corpse Kisser, Sisters

104. 09/01/07 -- 68 Jay Street; Brooklyn, NY w/ Talibam! (shoot for This Is Now)

105. 09/09/07 -- Magda; Brooklyn, NY (Dave Freedlander's Surprise 30th Birthday Party)

106. 09/12/07 -- 68 Jay Street; Brooklyn, NY (shoot for This Is Now)

107. 10/21/07 -- Death By Audio; Brooklyn, NY w/ Mika Miko, Finally Punk, Veer Right Young Pastor

108. 11/16/07 -- Bar Fusion; Lincoln, England w/ Talibam!, Chops, The Mark 9’s

109. 11/17/07 -- Star & Shadow Cinema; Newcastle Upon Tyne, England w/ Talibam!, Chops (Best of the New York Underground Film Festival)

110. 11/18/07 -- Cargo; London, England w/ Jackie-O Motherfucker, Axolotl, Birds Of Delay, Talibam! (Upset The Rhythm Presents The Wire 25)

111. 11/19/07 -- The Windmill; London, England w/ Sukilove, I Love Sarah, Paul Hawkins, The Beat Maras

112. 11/20/07 -- 13th Note; Glasgow, Scotland w/ Chops, Cowtown

113. 11/21/07 -- The Racehorse; Northampton, England w/ Chops, Cowtown, I Love Sarah

114. 11/22/07 -- The Bodega Social Club; Nottingham, England w/ Chops, Cowtown, I Love Sarah

115. 11/23/07 -- Le Pub; Newport, Wales w/ Chops, Cowtown

116. 11/24/07 -- Rí-Rá; Dublin, Ireland

117. 11/25/07 -- The Old Blue Last; London, England w/ Chops, Cowtown

118. 02/14/08 -- Cakeshop; Manhattan, New York w/ These Are Powers, Knyfe Hyts, The Apes, Mixel Pixel

119. 03/07/08 -- Market Hotel; Brooklyn, NY w/ Fiasco, Pony Pants, Boy Crisis, Barking Spiders, Hospital Bombers, Amateur Party, LA Cross

120. 03/14/08 -- Eat Records; Brooklyn, NY w/ Ill Ease

121. 03/21/08 -- Berks Street Warehouse; Philadelphia, PA w/ Talibam!, Nate Scheible/Matthew Wascovich/Jack Wright Trio, Gun Muffs, Magnet City Kids

122. 04/12/08 -- Gowanus Studio Space; Brooklyn, NY (Triple Canopy Release Party)

123. 05/31/08 -- Goodbye Blue Monday; Brooklyn, NY w/ Knyfe Hyts, Aa, USAisamonster, Fiasco

124. 06/08/08 -- 502 Warren Street; Brooklyn, NY w/ Fleetwood MAacfee

125. 06/12/08 -- East Village Radio; Manhattan, NY (Live on the Blue & The Fish In The Morning radio show)

126. 06/13/08 -- Death By Audio; Brooklyn, NY w/ Pterodactyl, Fiasco (Zombie Party)

127. 06/20/08 -- 502 Warren Street; Brooklyn, NY

128. 06/22/08 -- East Village Radio; Manhattan, NY (Live on the Local Only radio show)

129. 06/27/08 -- Banana Factory; Bethlehem, PA w/ Mostly Other People Do The Killing

130. 06/28/08 -- Scarey Studios; Baltimore, MD

131. 06/29/08 -- Gojjo; Philadelphia, PA w/ Mostly Other People Do The Killing

132. 06/30/08 -- Lilypad; Boston, MA w/ Mostly Other People Do The Killing, Quartet Of Happiness

133. 07/01/08 -- Stairwell Gallery; Providence, RI w/ Mostly Other People Do The Killing

134. 07/02/08 -- Velvet Lounge; Washington, DC w/ Mostly Other People Do The Killing, Little Howlin' Wolf, Thee Ultimate Vag

135. 07/03/08 -- Dead Herring; Brooklyn, NY w/ Mostly Other People Do The Killing, Brasilia, Necking, Hard Bop

136. 08/19/08 -- The Tank; Manhattan, NY w/ Best Friends Forever, Screaming Females, Acht(en)

137. 09/06/08 -- The Bruedenell Social Club; Leeds, England w/ Indica Ritual, Cowtown, The Uprights

138. 09/07/08 -- Hand And Heart Gallery; Nottingham, England w/ Apalusa, Patch & Kevin Shea duo

139. 09/08/08 -- The MacBeth; London, England w/ Haunted Fucking, Cleckhuddersfax

140. 09/10/08 -- County Sports Club; Bristol, England w/ The Rick Jensen Trio, Gunbatte

141. 09/11/08 -- Amersham Arms; London, England w/ Indica Ritual, Cowtown, Cleckhuddersfax

142. 09/12/08 -- The Dome; London, England w/ Deerhunter, Starving Weirdos, Seabear

143. 09/13/08 -- Bar Pixi; Paris, France w/ Arnaud Riviere, Salmigondis

144. 04/20/09 -- Monster Island Basement; Brooklyn, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ Knyfe Hyts

145. 04/25/09 -- The Shank; Brooklyn, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ Crystal Stilts, Wavves, These Are Powers

146. 05/01/09 -- West Nile; Brooklyn, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ Teengirl Fantasy, Sewn Leather, DJ Dog Dick

147. 05/23/09 -- El Garage; Monterrey, Mexico (BJ Rubin) w/ White Ninja, Cannibal Party

148. 06/07/09 -- Bruar Falls; Brooklyn, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ Little Gold, Sun Cats, Cabinet of Natural Curiosities

149. 06/14/09 -- Ft. Tilden Beach; Queens, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ Hospitality, Extra Life, Kurt Vile, Aa, Talk Normal, Dinowalrus, Spectre Folk, The So So Glos, Necking, Pterodactyl, Little Gold, Taigaa, Knyfe Hyts, Beach Fossils, Mika Miko, Teengirl Fantasy, Christy & Emily, Fiasco, Broccoli Destroyer, Ponytail, Katie Eastburn, Coathangers, Metal Mountains, Real Estate, Liturgy, Xray Eyeballs, Ezekiel Healy, Hot Pink Carpet

150. 06/19/09 -- Silent Barn; Queens, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ Best Friends Forever

151. 06/24/09 -- Death By Audio; Brooklyn, NY (BJ Rubin)

152. 07/07/09 -- Open Books; Long Beach, CA (BJ Rubin) w/ Katie The Pest

153. 07/22/09 -- Monster Island Basement; Brooklyn, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ Sexy Thoughts, Jason Ross, Gretta Cohn, Elliott Kalan, Rane Moore (One Sophisticated Evening, etc.)

154. 08/01/09 -- Secret Project Robot; Brooklyn, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ These Are Powers, Mirror Mirror, Javelin

155. 08/07/09 -- E. Hazzard; Philadelphia, PA (BJ Rubin) w/ Peaking Lights, U.S. Girls

156. 08/22/09 -- PS1; Queens, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ Talibam!

157. 08/24/09 -- Koko; London, England (BJ Rubin) w/ Deerhunter, Health, Crystal Antlers

158. 08/25/09 -- The Windmill; London, England (BJ Rubin) w/ She Keeps Bees

159. 08/29/09 -- The Old Blue Last; London, England (BJ Rubin) w/ Nodzzz, Hands on Heads, Plug

160. 09/05/09 -- Meneer de Witt; Amsterdam, The Netherlands (BJ Rubin) w/ Teengirl Fantasy, The Moi Non Plus

161. 09/08/09 -- OCCII; Amsterdam, The Netherlands (BJ Rubin) w/ Blues Control, Tropa Macaca

162. 09/12/09 -- The Stag's Head; London, England (BJ Rubin) w/ Male Bonding, Cold Pumas, Veronica Falls

163. 09/18/09 -- Death By Audio; Brooklyn, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ Ty Segall, Katie Eastburn, The Mantles, The Holy Experiment (You Are Here -- The Maze)

164. 09/25/09 -- Death By Audio; Brooklyn, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ Electroputas (You Are Here -- The Maze)

165. 10/02/09 -- Death By Audio; Brooklyn, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ Zs, Mick Barr, Noveller, Excepter (You Are Here -- The Maze)

166. 10/19/09 -- Death By Audio; Brooklyn, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ Ruffeo Hearts Lil Snotty, Alaskas, MNDR

167. 10/20/09 -- Cakeshop; New York, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ Male Bonding, Surf City, Best Coast, The Moi Non Plus, Hospital Bombers, zZz, Blondes (Subbacultcha/Pukekos/Viva Radio CMJ Showcase)

168. 10/26/09 -- Don Pedro's; Brooklyn, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ France Has The Bomb, Loose Limbs

169. 10/30/09 -- Steve's Loft; Brooklyn, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ CSC Funk Band, Jimmy Cousin's Big Band, The Library is on Fire, Invisible Circle, Light Boys

170. 10/31/09 -- Secret Project Robot; Brooklyn, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ Knyfe Hyts 81, Try Cry Try, Sightings, Dirty Faces, Big Bear, Red Dawn II (Brahloween 5)

171. 11/07/09 -- Santos Party House; New York, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ Carsick Cars, Antimagic, PK14, Xiao He

172. 01/07/10 -- The Smell; Los Angeles, CA (BJ Rubin) w/ Sun Araw, The Urxed, Sean McCann, Garden State

173. 02/03/10 -- Death by Audio; Brooklyn, NY w/ BJ Rubin, Weasel Walter, Sarah Lipstate and Caroline Contillo, Sexy Thoughts, Odysseus, Tropical Thunder, Cat Tyc, Nondor Nevai, Tim Dahl, Matt Mottel

174. 04/01/10 -- Cakeshop; New York, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ Love Of Diagrams, Buckets Of Bile

175. 04/02/10 -- Santos Party House; New York, NY (BJ Rubin) w/ Love Of Diagrams

176. 06/10/10 -- Zebulon; Brooklyn, NY w/ Merle & The Haggards (White Light/White Heat release party)

177. 09/13/10 -- Otto's Shrunken Head; New York, NY (Kyle's Korner)