Puttin' On The Ritz

More sophisticated by the second, etc.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Crack You'll Take The Lead, etc.

Hear ye, hear ye. Or something like that. I know it has been a bit cold, but we've been busy warming the spirits with some pretty killer performances of your favorite, timeless, Christmas carols.

December 18, 2004 -- 904 Bedford Avenue 6A, Brooklyn
Well, that address actually corresponds to my home. For the lucky few who managed to turn up, we performed in what normally functions as my kitchen and living room. I was a little disappointed that more people did not come, but I was pretty psyched about the people that did. We played what was perhaps our longest set of all time. Actually, no perhaps. It was our longest set ever, and it might be the longest set we ever play. Who knows what the future holds? Rock stardom? Drug addiction? Girlfriends? It remains unclear, as of press time. In any event, Kevin showed up with Tianna and Jolie and a snare drum. He quickly requisitioned the use of my roommate's conga or whatever kind of drum it is (that was reputedly used on a grammy award winning record, although I cannot seem to recall which one) and we went to town. We have a bunch of weird musical instruments lying about, so people kept picking shit up and playing along with us. I believe there was even a brief cameo made by a french horn, but I could be wrong. We played some Christmas songs, then some of our nightclub bit. People kept screaming for more songs of the holiday variety, so we kept them coming. I think Todd put a cymbal on his head for a bit, I've seen humans used for many things outside their nominal purpose, but I don't think I'd ever witnessed a human cymbal stand. It was a night of many firsts, maybe. Kevin even got to sing a number, but I'm not sure even he knew what it was. It was nice playing in the comfort of my own home, I highly recommend it. One of the added bonuses was that the crowd was not terribly hostile, which was a nice change of pace. This is not to say that we generally play to universally hostile audiences, but there is usually an element of that. So we got a break from people wanting to beat us up. We put out six copies of our Christmas album which were all quickly snatched up by our adoring fans, if you can call them that. As soon as we finished everyone left save myself and my roommate, both being residents. Bill put on a Love and Rockets record and then threw up all over our bathroom. I made some rice and beans and then passed out, only to be awoken the next morning by a crushing hangover.

December 20, 2004 -- Tommy's Tavern, Brooklyn
We played with The Weeds and Hope and Anchor. Quiet time stuff, which we fit in with by sort of being acoustic. Maybe. We played first and last, because playing multiple sets makes sense, somehow.

1st set: When we started playing there were three people in the room. This is the back room, mind you, where we had never actually played before. We've played at Tommy's many, many times, but never back there. A few more people drifted in, and by the end of the set there were three people watching us, as they all drifted out again. We weren't what they were expecting, apparently. I love playing "Jingle Bells" so much, I don't know why. Maybe it is because the song has a ridiculous number of verses than no one really knows about, it is like they're some really well kept secret. We try to let that secret out as much as possible, although I think we are limited by the fact that not that many people tend to watch us very closely. It doesn't matter. I'm still rolling around on the ground and screaming, and Kevin is still going apeshit or whatever it is he does on the drums. Todd brought us, like, three shots each during our set. I think everyone in the room was impressed with our ability to drink, which is one of our strong suits. I decided before the set that Kevin was going to sing "Frosty the Snowman". He was a little rattled when I started playing the drumbeat for "We Will Rock You", but he made it through the song mostly unscathed. The set ended with Kevin carrying me around the room, upside down, while I was trying to inform people that despite appearances, we had CDs available.

2nd set: Right before we went on, I realized Kevin was drunk. I realized this because he kept making up fake gangs that were going to beat us up if we played. Why he did this, I have no real idea. Kevin Shea is an enigma even to himself, I think, sometimes. We set up in the front room, where we feel a bit more comfortable. We dispensed with the holiday charm in favor of screaming the hits, if you can call them that. Well, they were hits for someone, anyway. We did attempt to take people down to Brazil (that is to say, we performed our glorious interpretation of "Girl From Ipanema", which Kevin seemed confused about for a second), where it is summertime and not so fucking cold. So cold! Monday Night Football was distracting a few members of the audience, and one dude got tossed out for being too drunk by another drunken woman. People were cheering, and then we sang a song about preferring ugly women to attractive ones. What that means, exactly, I forget. I will say that there was not a dry eye in the house for our moving rendition of "Rainbow Connection", although my own eyes were closed for most of it so I can't really say for sure. Where were you, on that cold winter night? If you are not Stephanie Wakefield, Alice Cohen, Mollie Lauffer, or Todd Patrick, then I either don't really know you or you weren't there. Well, Bridget (last name omitted because I don't know it) was working the door and seemed to enjoy herself as well, I suppose. Tommy was floating around, somewhere. I never change names to protect the innocent or the guilty, what sort of protection are you looking for from us? We're a bunch of lunatics! Take that, evildoers!


  • At 2:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    wow. neat. i was in PA for xmas-y stuff, although i appreciated the invite.



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